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Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > Email discussion

Email discussion

Written by Sean on Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Someone wrote me with some very good and valid points, and I thought that you might wonder the same things, so I put their comments (the stuff that’s indented) as well as my answers up here :)

I can’t stop you but do advise to think with your head and not just emotions.

Ahhh, yes, I agree. And I appreciate the advice :) But the thing is, I *am* looking at it logically and with a fairly detached emotional level. Yes, I’m having some dark feelings and emotions, but that "decision" to go ahead if I can find a "safe" way was reached in a very intellectual manner, very thought-out.

I’ve been living with this for over 30 years now. I’ve been doing serious thinking about what it means to me and how it impacts on my life for nearly 20 of those years, including a decade of psycho-therapy. My conclusion is that becoming a para may not "make" me happy, but would most probably allow me to be happier. There is a risk of hating it, but that is a calculated risk. I really don’t believe I can be any less happy or content than I am at the moment.

However, the extreme danger of the complications facing all too many people with SCI will stop me from ever doing this. I will live and find a way to live without achieving that desire.

I do believe in the greater scheme of things the better option would indeed be to find a way to live without realising our desire. Yes, being a para involves untold possible complications, on many levels (physical, emotional, financial, etc). But to me, it comes down to a question of Quality of Life.

Right now, I have nearly no Quality of Life. All my thinking leads me to believe that I would have an excellent chance to improve my Quality of Life. I honestly prefer to take the risk of a shorter life with a higher Quality of Life than a longer life that sucks!

Hope that this isn’t too negative

Nah, it’s good to have people give you a reality check ;)

life can go on without getting one’s desire

At what price though? The emotional burden has gotten too high a price for me to pay. Others handle it better than me, and I lift my hat off to them. I tried that avenue, and thought I’d be able to handle it properly, but it’s not working out that way.

and sometimes (as you have eloquently put it in a story or two) one’s deepest desires can also become nightmares.

Yes, you are of course correct. There really is no way to tell in advance just *what* will happen. It’s a bit of a gamble. In fact, it’s a huge gamble. But to me, at this point in my life, with all the soul searching, the therapy, the people I’ve spoken to, and all the rest, to me, the biggest gamble would be to NOT do it and risk continuing to live in this mental agony.

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