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Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / December 7, 1997

December 7, 1997

Written by Sean on Sunday, December 7, 1997

I wonder how other people decide on what to do and how to be when they wheel in public, or in private. Are you concerned with only the image of the "correct" para, or are you mostly after what it would feel like, limp legs, incontinence, loss of feelings, spasms, pain in legs and back and so on. Or again, are you really interested in what it is like to be paralyzed, with all aspects involved. I guess what I wonder is if we approach it from a shallow point, or if we delve into all possible aspects.

Because if we use the chair “just for the kicks of it”, if we go and act, then it’s only pretending… I hate this word/label… I’m not a pretender… I’m a wheeler. I may not be a para, I may at times aspire to be a para, but then, in my mind, when I’m in the chair, I am a para, just as much as any person that suffered an SCI. I’m not out there pretending to be, I’m just there, being… But what about you?

Are you concerned about getting it right? And what *is* getting it right? In a recent Thought of the moment, I talked about making sure that when you wheel in public you be careful of what you do, since you are representing the disabled community at large, wetter you want it or not. What’s right, what’s not? I know it’s hard to decide… Rambling here…

In a recent chat with someone, I was asked what felt so right about wheeling for me… I couldn’t really answer in only one way. I mean, I don’t get aroused at the thought of being a para; I don’t get off on the thought of dead-weight legs; incontinence isn’t much of an attraction per say. For me, the comfort I find in wheeling is much more emotional than not… It doesn’t mean I don’t wonder what it physically would be like, I do, often, but all in all, it’s not a physical reaction I’m after, it’s an emotional healing I’m after.

I think there are a lot of similarities between the frustrations we, as wannabe have, compared to the frustrations paras have. Similar, and yet so very different… How do we get to see what’s alike and what’s not??? The only way is to actually go out there, and meet people and talk with them… Not suck information, just to excite one’s little world, but exchange. Talk to a para about what it’s like to be a wannabe, inquire about what it’s like to be paralyzed. Like that you both will learn and grow.

{mospagebreak}

Over the years and several chats with many people, I’ve seen a tendency to use the chair more when we feel down. A little as if we were administering self-therapy, we use the chair when we really go down and hurt deep inside. What need is filled by using the chair though? I know not for sure, do you? Tell me, share with me, let’s explore what we have in common and learn…

{mospagebreak}

Another thing I’ve thought about lately is that my parents are extremely demanding, expecting so much out of me… While they are generally supportive, I still have a hard time to please them. Perhaps one of the reason I feel so good when I use the chair is that in a way I’m allowing myself to not be so perfect, my mind is searching for an excuse to not have to perform, to excel… After all, who can demand anything from a para, right? Of course, that thought is not quite right, it’s not because you have a disability that you are less, or less able to do stuff, but as a kid, as society usually views things, that’s one of the thoughts that may have stuck. One can’t be certain, it’s just all conjectures, but from one insight to the other idea, one builds a broader picture.