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Confession is good for the soul
Written by Sean on Thursday, April 24, 2008
They say confession is good for the soul. I’m not the religious type, but I guess there’s some truth to that, because I wish I could talk about what’s going on in my head. I’d like to be able to talk to my partner, and I’d like to be able to tell many of my friends. Two different cases, yet, situations where I feel stifled, unable to say a thing.
I wish I could tell my partner how bad I’m doing. I wish I could share, just how difficult my coping is. The few times in the past where I was doing particularly bad, and I tried telling her about it, she quickly turned things around and made it about her. I shouldn’t have told her how bad it was for me, because it stressed her out and she had enough stress to handle as it was without having to worry about me. As a result, I hold it in. I don’t tell her how raw I am inside. And when she tell me that she’s having a bad time, I lend my ear, I make understanding noises, and I let her talk to me. All the while I’m thinking "yeah, well, I’m sorry but you’re not the only one in trouble".
The funny thing is, as I work hard to keep all that inside, sometimes it escapes. It manifests itself by a certain distance, perhaps aloofness. Or perhaps I get a little easier to annoy or get upset. At which point she tells me not to be grumpy, that she’s having a hard time. Once, she even asked me what was wrong, so I told her, and suddenly, it was again how I shouldn’t have told her. It’s a bit as if she’s allowed to be stressed and in pain, etc, but I’m not. I should be perfect, be unflapable, all the time. Nothing should touch me. I’m the man, I’m to take care of her, finanially, emotionally, and with every day-to-day thing.
And I just wish I could tell her simply, and honestly, just how fucking hard it is for me. A burden shared is a burden halved, is it not? And so I carry the BIID burden alone, and it’s hard. It’s hard. So hard.
As to friends… There are times when I wish I could tell my friends, some of them anyway, about BIID. I wish I could tell them I’m transabled. I hate lying to my friends, even if by omission. I don’t know what I’d gain by telling them, other than the ability of knowing I am honest with my friends. That is not a non-negligible factor. But they aren’t ready, I don’t think. The potential hurt they would feel at knowing outweighs the potential gain I’d make at telling them, and so I remain silent.
The weight of it all is wearing me down.
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1 On 24 April, 2008, Claire said:
I feel the same way, in fact just posted my own post on partners that I wrote quite a while ago, and have been keeping back, felt like now was the time to post it.
Yeah, they have their own lives, problems, worries…which we share with them. But why do they have to be so fucking selfish when it comes to our BIID? Can’t talk about it, and can’t do anything about it, not even wheel.
If our partners are out there listening…hear this and know it as truth…you are making it worse. And very often, we hate you for it.
There, I said it.