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Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / Can’t speak about it

Can’t speak about it

Written by Sean on Wednesday, November 23, 2005

In a relationship, you’re supposed to be able to discuss the things that are bothering you. I think it’s fair to say that my transabled feelings are bothering me, but I dont’ feel I’m able to open up and share that with my partner. It’s hard enough for me to talk face to face about heavy topics, but feeling reticence on the other party’s side, that just makes it plain impossible for me.

I must admit to feeling rather frustrated about it. On the one hand, she tells me she’s ok with it (and she must be to some extent since I can use my chair "at will"). On the other, the signals are very clear that she doesn’t want to talk about it.

About 18 months ago, I told her I was writing a journal of sorts, trying to put my wannabe feelings down on "paper". She made some noises about looking at it later, and never did ask for it. Sometimes it’s not so much what is said as how it’s said, and it was clearly said in a dismissive manner. I took the hint and haven’t mentionned it again.

She’s also told me that she sometimes felt invaded by all these "other me", the transabled part, the crossdressing part, and that she resented that. She wanted to have more time with just "Sean". But the thing is, there is no "Sean" without all the parts that make me who and what I am. And she knew that ahead of time. She knew that long before we even met for the first time.

To be fair, it can’t be easy living with someone who is transabled, but that’s not something I can help. Or rather, I try to help, mostly by keeping things inside. Where it can fester at will.

And as little as I mention it, it does leak out once in a while. And as little as I mention it, it’s too much for her. If only she knew just how much it’s invading my thoughts…