Finding a way to stop. Trust. Start trusting your friends. Believe. Believe they aren’t lying to you. Accept. Accept yourselves. Courage. Have courage to jump into the unknown, where you may be fightened without familiar (though negative) emotions.

I seek out opportunities for people to attack me in some twisted attempt to punish myself for what I can’t help but see as my own failings. I lash out or refuse to believe anyone who validates me. I know my behavior is toxic but I do it anyway because my self worth has been entirely eroded by a lifetime of self judgement. I need to find a way to stop myself, for my own sake and for the sake of those people around me.

Wow. I could have written that myself, although not so well!

A number of things have helped greatly. Transabled.org has been a big help. Knowing you are all out there with pretty much the same feelings definitely reduces my guilt and shame about this.

My partner has been wonderful. Not that it hasn’t caused problems between us, but she accepts who I am and never tries to make me feel ashamed about it.

Psychotherapy has helped a LOT. My psychotherapist has made it clear that he doesn’t see anything to feel guilty or ashamed about. He encouraged me to just be myself and accept who I am. He has said that if anybody has a problem with it (my BIID) that is THEIR problem, not mine.

It has helped me to talk about it with friends and family. Being accepted has the effect of dissipating guilt and shame. Only two people out of the ~60 I have told so far have had any significant problem with this.

Getting used to presenting as disabled in public helps. No stranger is ever going to imagine that you have BIID. You just get treated as any other PWD would be.

Talking to my GP about it has helped too. She recognises that I have a genuine need to use a wheelchair.

So, this evening I’m going to a concert where I have wheelchair seating. I guarantee that I will be feeling no guilt, no shame, no embarrassment, no self consciousness. I will simply be enjoying Dvorak’s Cello Concerto the way it’s supposed to be enjoyed; in a wheelchair.

@Sasha. I DO understand where you are coming from. It IS possible to work through those feelings. You don’t have to suffer like that forever.

Am I really TOTALLY helpless? I know that I can partially “control” my feelings and thoughts, with or without manipulating, in the better case by awareness and like in meditation. But up to now I haven’t succeeded much in controlling BIID.

On the other hand, an alcoholic stays an alcoholic all his life, and only his will can keep him from drinking. Interestingly, the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) start with accepting how powerless they are. From there they can start to see themselves with realism and find out when and why they drink. Not judging, but just being aware.

Whatever cause BIID has, and whatever ways we go to live with it or overcome it, shame and guilt keep us from growing and from getting on.

Shame and guilt have diminished for me; but other feelings have grown a lot: the sadness that I can’t go on with my life as I had hoped to, the sadness that I can’t overcome BIID, the sadness that I cannot “just live” as I am. I have to say good-bye to illusions, hopes, and a lot of wishes. Maybe that’s normal in my age (mid-40s), but BIID seems to add a big challenge to it.