Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > Another Sombre Anniversary
Another Sombre Anniversary
Written by Sean on Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Gordo was writing about his sombre anniversary, and I realised I had my own rather unpleasant anniversary recently. 4 years ago last week, I attempted self-injury and missed.
I was left with nothing but nerve pain in my right leg for months afterwards. No paralysis, no nothing. Just nerve pain.
And that nerve pain paled compared to the emotional pain I was experiencing. I was pretty damn low to start with. Desperate enough to try one of my hare brained schemes. When that failed, well… There was nothing left.
I’m sitting here, writing a blog post. And my bare feet are rubbing against each other. Almost beyond my will. If I force them to stop, they stop, but when I stop thinking about it, they start again. Restless little buggers. They are restless indeed, expressing my inner turmoil. And the more I need to be paralysed, the more they get agitated.
And I’m thinking back to that time, four years ago, where I realised I’d missed. Empty. So empty inside. Empty then, empty now.
On one level, I’m glad I tried, even if I failed – too many people were accusing me of not having the conviction to go forth, they were saying to put money where my mouth was. I didn’t attempt it to prove anyone anything. I made the attempt to finally become paralysed. It didn’t work, but it did show me that I could do it. If only there was a way that was "sure" to work.
It also showed me that it’s bloody hard to act. The human species has a strong built-in instinct of self-protection. Turning that off is tricky at best.
So, here I am. It’s been 4 years since I failed. I hurt as much now as I did then. And I’ve been hurting that much for the last 4 years. At least 4 years. It’s a wonder there’s anything left of me.
Tags: Paralysed, Self Injury
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4 Comments
2 On 8 June, 2010, Sophie said:
It hurt me just as badly as it hurt you emotionally Sean
Dear Sean,
Its probably a dumb question that’s been asked before… But Im dealing with this right now personally, headed towards (30…eek) Seriously 30, Im not afraid of at all. Coming from my career, when you age you sincerely get better and in my case, more work… My great fear is not achieving what I want, period.
But I’m curious… Do you feel like the pain you’ve been going through these years will make you stronger when you achieve your goal? Maybe I’m just fooling myself, but after the bad days when its really bad…I feel like the emotion and the pain will make me more capable of handling my actual injury/surgery. I know the physical pain could be more intense with most of what we as a community want over the physical pain but… I just wonder if it has made me stronger.
Has your mental pain made you more ready to handle the physical?
Gee
4 On 9 June, 2010, Sean said:
@Gee, I believe that I wasn’t ready to be a para 20 years ago. I needed to live more, to understand myself better. I don’t know that it’s the “suffering” aspect that made me ready to be in the chair. And I don’t know that waiting 20 years with suffering in between is the way to go.
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1 On 8 June, 2010, Chloe said:
Yeah, I know what you mean about psyching yourself up for it. Adrenalin starts going, heart starts racing, you calm yourself down, cycle can repeat, can take a while. Then it seems that in an instant you totally accept the consequences and you just do it.
And then… you have to live with the disappointment. And wondering if you’d done things a little bit differently…
But as you say “it did show me that I could do it.” And that is a good thing to know about oneself.