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Accepting Yourself Helps Others Accepting You
Written by Sean on Monday, April 27, 2009
There’s a strange dynamic going on sometimes. We need to use a wheelchair to pacify the intensity of the BIID need. Being able to use the chair in front of our friends or loved ones is a big deal to us. But rarely do they accept it. Awkward doesn’t start to describe it.
When I came out to a girlfriend of 4 years, I told her that she didn’t have to worry, I’d never ask her to accompany me when I used my chair in public, nor at home. At the time, I was just discovering I was not alone with this weird need that is BIID. I was struggling with myself about my own identity. She was never comfortable with it, and I’m not too surprised, in retrospect. She never *did* see me in the chair. Once, as we were walking downtown, a woman in a wheelchair zoomed by us and I was feeling awkward because I didn’t know what my girlfriend was thinking, and she was blushing, obviously embarassed by *something*.
Shortly after the relationship with that person ended, I met a paraplegic woman. There was no romantic interest on either part, but curiousity - me about her paralysis, her about my need to be paralysed. I was still coming to grips with being comfortable with my own self. When I went to visit, I had my chair in my car. I asked her if she minded if I took the chair and used it. She told me it was entirely up to myself, that I wasn an adult and could make my own decisions.
I was seeking some form of acknowledgement that she was ok with me using the chair. Got none. Didn’t use the chair. I felt very awkward and somewhat embarassed. I can’t help but think that she could feel that vibe. She was the first paraplegic I’d met face to face and spoken to. I wanted to look and study how she transferred, but didn’t, turning my back to give her some sort of privacy. But did she perceive that as me being uncomfortable with her, her body and her way of doing things? I’ll probably never know (though if you find this blog and see it, I’d love to talk and revisit…)
By the time I met my late wife for the first time, I was much more comfortable with myself, and my use of a wheelchair. I was still nervous, very much so. But I was more comfortable with myself. We met, and I was afraid of not doing transfers properly, etc. She laughed at me, not in a mean way, in a good natured way. She told me I was doing just fine. She was comfortable with me and I with her.
And the more comfortable I was with myself, the more I accepted BIID and my need to wheel, the easier it was to tell people, and the more people accepted me.
It’s a strange circle, that. I need people to accept me to bolster my confidence, but they can only accepted me if I am confident.
Yeah, your spouse is going to be awkward around you when you tell them. Of course. They suddenly learn a HUGE thing about you, which is weird and unusual. If you are uncertain, awkward, embarassed, you’re giving the implied message that it’s something negative, and they will feel that negative vibe, it’ll be harder for them to accept. Yet you need them to accept you because you can’t accept yourself. It’s a viscious circle, a very strange dynamic indeed.
Tags: Accept, awkward, BIID, Paraplegic, Wheelchair
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8 Comments
I have said this myself many times and to a few people around. I am sure Claire will remember when I used to tell her that in the past. The sooner you get comfortable with yourself and accept yourself, the more confident you will become, and the more confident you become the more easy and comfortable you are around other people and the more comfortable you are being open about yourself and being proud to be who you are and showing who you are.
Well said Sean. I must admit a certain amount of envy how you are progressing down the BIID path. I am sure self acceptance is an important step that I have been unable to take to date, and hence have been unable to “come out”. However it seems clear to me that what ever path you choose, your fulltime wheeling or my secret pretending we all reach the same wall on our whatever path we choose or are comfortable taking. The wall I am talking about is of course the wall that seperates AB from real para desires. Until such times as a way is found over that wall we will all arrive at it in our own way and our depresion, anxiety and frustration will keep building over time. At the moment for me that wall seems to be a mile high. Last night I came as close as I have for many years to try and climb over that wall but couldn’t go through with it..too scared. I guess I am still battling self acceptance.
I’m not sure this is the best place to post this but here goes. I came out to my husband last night. I mean I told him everything and he was great about it. He insisted that I wasn’t wierd, just different and everyone is different in some way from everyone else or we’d all be boring.
He even offered to help me get what I need (paraplegia)!!!! Obviously there isn’t a safe way to do that, with or without his help.
I don’t know yet what this is going to mean for my lifestyle and how I present in more situations but I’m so unbelievably happy!
I didn’t even manage to sound self-accepting. I kept apologising for being wierd etc, and he was still fine with it.
wow
5 On 30 April, 2009, Sean said:
@Beth I’m so happy that you were able to tell your husband and that it went well. This is good stuff!!!
Do keep us up to date with what happens next :)
@Beth I know how incredibly hard it is to speak honestly about these things after training yourself to keep it secret for so long. Congratulations on having the courage to come out to your husband, and I am so glad to hear that your husband is supportive of you. Keep us updated.
Thank you guys. I was terrified and took ages to build up to actually being able to tell him but I’m so glad I did. I’ll keep you all informed of how things progress. Right now I’m still riding a massive wave of happiness.
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1 On 27 April, 2009, Chloe said:
It is important to get into a positive feedback cycle of acceptance.
Recently I’ve come to realise that I got extremely lucky with this on account of going to an intersex support group. I had discussed the idea of coming out to the group with Michael First. He thought it would be an excellent thing to do, and predicted I would find massive acceptance because intersexed people would be particularly likely to understand. He was absolutely correct.
Then, having had the acceptance of the intersex group, that led to greater self confidence and self acceptance. That in turn gave me a positive attitude towards telling others, and I’ve had extremely few problems with being accepted.
There is still one group of people I’ve been rather reticent with: my friends with disabilities. So far, my BIID is known to PWDs who are also part of the intersex group. No problems there at all.
I agree with Sean that the trick is to project self confidence instead of insecurity; though there’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable when appropriate.