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Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / A strange kind of peace.

A strange kind of peace.

Written by Sean on Thursday, August 25, 2005

Last night, a strange peace came over me. I decided that I was going to “do it”. I don’t know when, nor do I know the logistics of it, but I’ve decided to do it.

Up until now, I’ve been pretty much waffling back and forth: “would I, should I, could I?”. For a few months, I’ve also thought that given a safe chance, I would do it. But at the same time, I was thinking that since there’s no solution, no real safe way to do it, there was no point in making the decision to go ahead and self-injure (or find a surgeon, or whatever…). No point in torturing oneself with a decision that could not be effected.

I don’t feel anywhere as “relaxed” about it today as I did yesterday. Heck, I’m sure I’ll keep being pestered by the nasty thoughts. But at least, I know this will happen. I’d rather it happened sooner than later, I don’t care much for living many more years in this kind of torment. But it will happen, somehow.

Now, to figure out a “safe” way to go ahead with it…

And to my good para friend who told me: “no matter how much anyone thinks they are ready for this the reality is a zilion times worse”, I would like to say that I agree with you. At least, I will be embarking on this journey knowing I don’t know what it’s *really* like, yet safe in the knowledge that I’ve done as much as is humanly possible to prepare and be ready. Thank you for your sound advice, even if I don’t like hearing “Don’t do it”. :)