I also think you do need psychological help – not necessarily to cure your condition, but just to help you stop thinking about it all the time so you can get on with living a comparatively normal life. I doubt becoming physically disabled would make any difference to your psychological condition. Good luck, and I hope you can find peace.

I totally respect the fact that you have tried psychotherapy and pharmacotherapy and am quite saddened to hear that none work.

I must say, the whole thing reminds me a bit of when I was kid and I was quite obsessed with the idea that I I might need braces, or a retainer. I used to use the metal hooks that hold christmas balls to trees and bend them to make retainers. It really excited me. I also tried to make glasses, but they looked awful. And finally, I was also obsessed with the idea that I needed to wear diapers when I was about 4 or 5. My mom used to put me in cloth diapers when I was a baby and so maybe it was foreign and therefore exciting to see plastic diapers? In any case, I used to steal them from relatives who had babies and it was super exciting to wear them (almost sexual?). It really was an obsession that went on for months and I could not get the relief I craved until I was wearing those diapers!

All of these obsessions/compulsions ended by about the age of 11 or 12 though. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to have carried these obsessions/compulsions into adulthood to the point where your entire identity is dependent upon needing these contraptions/devices in order to feel “normal” or complete or happy or whatever.

All I can say is, I hope that you can somehow feel happy with who you are, irrespective of whether you are in a wheel chair or not. I’d like to think that maybe there are other communities out there that you can relate to and feel connected with that don’t involve being handicapped. But then, I don’t pretend to completely understand your situation and know that it is obviously a lot more complicated than just “fitting in”.

In any case, I wish you well, and best of luck on this very difficult path called “life”.

I am so sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend’s struggle. I can’t begin to understand what you both must be going through. Please don’t presume to know what I have gone through.

I deeply wish I could transplant my spinal cord to your boyfriend. Perhaps you would not hate us so much if we could.

Jewel, I can’t explain what’s on my mind. I am ashamed of my wanting. And it’s annoying and complicated and it sucks and it’s taking a lot of strength from me. So where is the difference to a “real” para?

I do not want to scream at you or argue. I want you to try to understand that what we’re going through isn’t easy either. *It’s as little a choice as it was for your fiancee.* Please try to get a glimpse of the BIID world before judging us. There is enough pain in the world (physically and psychically) that we don’t need to add anything there.

But in case you *are* listening, I ask you: “WHAT help?”. You say “get help”, but there is NO help. Psychotherapy doesn’t work. Pharmacotherapy doesn’t work. I’ve been going down those avenues for a long time, 20++ years, to no avail.

If I could switch with your fiance, I would. Just like I would have switched with my late wife who was a para.

Compassion. That’s what is needed, more than prejudice and closed mindedness

Thanks for sharing your background. Helps understand why you are so involved in our little community. I know that you are the primary reason Dr First is going is studies into para and not just amps. I kind of look to you as one of the “leaders” of the community, someone I can respect and, with reading your writings, hopefully gain some insight into my own desires.

@Glory

Appreciate your input into the topic, especially since you don’t have BIID. However, I will say that since it is MY body I am uncomfortable with, I do have the right to amp, or give myself a SCI (if possible). If a women is not comfortable with the size of her breasts, she can get surgery. Liposuction, botox, nose jobs, face lifts. People get them done because they are not happy with their body, because they don’t want / need to look / feel the way they do. Same applies to us here. Yes, I know someone is going to say their is a HUGE difference between cosmetic surgery and amp / SCI, however, I’m drawing a parallel. Those people are not comfortable in their skin, and no one says anything to them about fixing the issue. No one tells them to “learn to deal with it.”

As for seeking “professional help”, I really, really, REALLY would like people to either stop suggesting that, or giving me the name of the mental health professional who can resolve my BIID. Because after over 20 years of doing psychotherapy (either with psychologists or psychiatrists), and prescribed pharmacotherapy, there is nothing that works. Not A Fucking Thing.

Not only that, but every time people with BIID go see mental health professionals, they open themselves to real risks. I can’t give details just now, but my latest interaction with the mental health professionals leaves me feeling very much like I was violated.

Perhaps we should learn to deal with this problem, yes. That said, I believe that the very condition we have, BIID, causes a barrier to that.

Having read through both sides of the story (from Sea and Marinus) … and being an non-BID person… I can only conclude that people with BID need ‘help’ – and I dont mean this with any disrespect (really).

I admire this website and respect everyone’s thought process here … and I’m not here to pass any judgement. Whatever I say or try to condone cannot alter anyone’s thought process.. but I simply must put it for the record – being disabled is not a ‘good’ thing. There are a lot of disabled people out there that curse their luck day in and day out. There should not be any reason why anyone should crave for an amputation – irrespective of one’s childhood fetishes or upbringing.

This is akin to someone growing up and developing a fetish to strangulating people !… Now one may crave for that and there could be a reason for that..but its not RIGHT …. and such people need help.

The same applies for those with BID. You require professional help and while I agree that the help u’ve sought is usually ineffective but that still does not give u the right to amputate yourself.

There are all sorts of people in this world and with all sorts of problems. One should learn to deal with them and do something meaningful with one’s life.

Once again, I’m truly sorry if I hurt anyone’s feelings. I didnt have any such intentions.

Its just that I wanted my views to be known.

Please understand that the last thing I want to do is to disrespect or trivialize the struggle that persons with disabilities experience, nor do I presume to understand it. I am simply trying to figure my way through this unusual situation I am in. I know that living with an impairment is often painful, difficult, and limiting but I need to weigh that against the mental benefits of feeling at home in my body. I can only judge my options by talking to people with BIID that have gone through with surgeries. They seem to agree that their lives are improved afterwards. I am a real person out here in the world, and like anyone else, I just want to live my life, be as happy as I can be, and do as little harm as I can in the process.

Besides, there are too many people with BIID who had great parents and good childhood to make bad parenting a reasonable cause of BIID.

And I have heard similar things about the mothers of other BIID people, too.

It would also be a clear and simple explanation: BIID as a symbol – your mother paralyzed you in your development, my mother cut off my freedom and own life (particularly of the soul), and so I developed the desire that my legs would come off and you that you are paralyzed.

I think this question should be included in a questionnaire to be filled out by as many persons with BIID as possible. The University of Lübeck, Germany, is just preparing such a survey. I hope you all will participate!

Thanks, Sean, both for the great site here and for telling us your story.

As for getting mental help soon. I wrote about that recently. The fact is, psychotherapy does NOT help, nor does pharmacotherapy. Despite having trying for over 20 years just about everything psychologists and psychiatrists suggested, I am no better. Yet, I still try, and am currently in discussions with yet another psychiatrist.

I’m *tired* of being told to go seek mental help. Because I have, over and over, and it’s like slamming my head in a brick wall. It hurts and has no effect whatsoever.

To be honest, I cannot see how ANYONE would WANT to be disabled! As a person with a disability that can walk with crutches, living in South Africa, the dimensions of my physcial has shrunk to a very unsatisfying size.

You probably hear it all the time, but life is there to be lived! Being an ablebodied person, it is a shame that you do not feel the need to live your life to the fullest with a HEALTHY body!

I do not know with how many paraplegics you have come into contact with, but let me tell you your health is dependent on an able body. Not being to get exercise drives your body to ill health. That is a fact!

My advice to you, as a person with paraplegia, is to go out and find the help you need. This mental disability you have is NOT has hard as the physical disability you long to have. Get MENTAL help, soon!

From my experience, being a para possibly intimidates a partner. That fear of taking care of a person is always going to be there. The way I view my disability is: I am the one who has to face myself in the mirror each day. I am the one who has overcome barriers and challenges. I am the one who has to live my life as a para. I have lived on my own. I have paid my rent and bills at the beginning of every month. I have friends who don\’t see me only as a para but as a person.

Please don\’t let anyone make you feel as less of a person due to BIID. I know that is easier to type than to believe. What makes a person is what beats inside.