transabled.org

Dear Sean, I don’t know you well enough and I don’t have to offer any advice.

Just in my own life it has often turned out that it was better to show my wounds instead of trying to to hide them or “repair” them with a scaffolding.

This scaffolding may look helpful, but in the end it sucks more energy. Energy you need for yourself. Only when you have some energy, you can really relate to others, including your partner.

And being deflated like a balloon also means being relaxed, being on the bottom from where no deeper fall is possible. There you can collect and let grow some energies.

Being deflated like a balloon in some religions and spiritual practices is an aim*. Don’t make yourself down for being down.

You and I, we have a disability of the soul. It is not good to try and hide it. I know that in my job I can’t show all of my woes. But at home I can, and I slowly learn how important it is and how good it is for the both of us, my partner and me.

Truth really heals and hiding sucks energy. You don’t have to hide how you really feel. In fact, one canNOT hide it at all to somebody who really is close. And women have a very good intuition and empathy, generally.

* Goethe:
“Und so lang du das nicht hast,
Dieses: Stirb und werde!
Bist du nur ein trüber Gast
Auf der dunklen Erde.”

[And as long you don't have this,
This: die and become!
You are just a dreary guest
On the dark earth.]

Another question or aspect:

When we had our altered body form and function, wouldn’t we also often face frustration, barriers, disappointment?

As a legless man, I would be less attractive for many/most men (I am gay). I already have noticed how quickly people look away – they look me much shorter in the eyes when I wheel than when I walk. Even if I feel better in the wheelchair.

The world is full of barriers for wheelers.

And Sean, particularly as a paraplegic, wouldn’t there easily be sexual frustration, too?

That’s what I find so mean in this BIID: Whatever we do, there will be frustration, problems, barriers, reduced range of action… The best option, if it was existing, would be another kind of therapy, taking away (or reducing) our BIID and letting us enjoy our fully equipped and functional bodies.

For some of us, mild depression is a constant companion. We live with it and it doesn’t bother us. But it might bother others who are not accustomed to it. Personally, I don’t see any point sharing it even with my husband because that it my OK day. I might be truthful on bad days because those are much harder to hide and also might explain my apathy or my excessive sleeping. And I don’t want to worry others needlessly.
But I think every one of us handles it differently. I pick my battles – do I want to share my feelings and then have to deal with worries of loved ones or do I not share and let my downs be and then have them go away?

@Phil: I think life is a balancing act. There will always be frustrations and barriers. Even with a partner, we don’t chose the perfect partner. We chose the one whose positives we appreciate very much and his negatives we can handle. Same goes for BIID – what can I handle better: physically fit life with mental torture or physically impaired life with more peace in mind. And the answer will be different for each of us.
Sure, having both fit body and peaceful mind would be best but until that is an option, I need to chose my balancing act.

@Phil: How do you know that you would be less attractive legless? It is obvious to me that I have become far more sexually attractive to both men and women since taking to a wheelchair. It is easier for me to make friends too; perhaps because *I* am more friendly.

I voluntarily gave up orgasms more than three years ago. I like it better that way. Perhaps that’s easier for women?

@Phil

Life will always be a balancing act – one way or another. Rather have it be happy with the possibility of BIID being fully tame – than miserable.

And, while not everyone approves (Honestly, I dont >.> I’d rather have someone love me for *me* not because I would be confined to a wheelchair >.>) There *are* devotees.

And even if you dont take that option – there are plenty of wonderful people out there that would love you for who you are.

Yes, it might take a little longer to find – but isn’t it honestly worth it? To find that special someone that would stick by you – legs or not?

@Sean

As far as living with depression goes – its become fairly normal for me *shrugs*

You did explain that well. I never honestly thought of it that way.

As for what you said about your partner – I know its hard to think “Why would so and so stick it by with me even though I cause him/her so much grief”

I’ve had that worry soo many times.

And, while I dont have a partner, I feel myself burdeninng my friends with my problems.

Some of them run away – they’d rather not be there to catch me when I fall – or if things get too stressful and I do something stupid.

But thats the brilliant thing. There are ones that stick it out even if they are barely able to stand on their own two feet.

Honestly – finding these types friends (Or partners) is well worth it. To know they’ll be there through the good and the bad, no matter how frequently each period lasts, is astronomical if you ask me :3

The fact that she does stick it out means she loves you a lot. And – While it may be hard to understand, or see (I know I’ve questioned my fair share of times why someone sticks it out with me) She is willing to stick it out with you. To me – thats amazing <33 Not everyone is willing to do that.