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Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > Routines, and therapy

Routines, and therapy

Written by Sean on Monday, September 11, 2006

I was talking with my partner recently, and she mockingly said that I was "a finicky old man set in my ways", and said that I was too stuck in some of my routines. She was half serious, half joking. It is true I have developed some routines. But I’m not completely set in my ways. Flexibility is possible. :)

Today in therapy, I was speaking about depression and how it tends to affect me. I was discussing the possibility of a new "project", and how it would greatly impact on my available time to "have a life". I explained how depression sometimes makes me feel thoroughly unmotivated about some things, and how easy it is to just miss deadlines when I’m depressed. Of course, the closer I get to a deadline, the more pressure I get, and the least able am I to get things done. Vicious circle indeed. Because of this, I have developed some routines.

And I realised that most of the routines I have throughout my days are in fact meant to assist me in making sure things happen. In making sure I don’t have to exhaust my brains in thinking about what needs to be done next, and not to worry that I haven’t done something I should have done.

Oh, it’s not an obsessive kind of routine following, and not likely to ever develop into obsession. But my routines do serve a purpose. It’s not just the creation of a "finicky old man set in his ways".

I had never verbalised that in so many words. I knew I had routines. I knew they were helpful, but I didn’t know just how helpful it was.

And so it is that once more, I had a Eureka moment in therapy. It often amazes me how I am unconvinced that I’m getting anything out of therapy before going to a session, and how afterwards I get one or two fairly significant insights. It usually makes it worth it for me to keep going to therapy, despite an occasional lack of motivation.

The discussion today was also somewhat disjointed, like last week. Scattered is the word I used last week. Today wasn’t so scattered, but we did discuss different topics, and I explained a bit more the interaction between some of the major aspects in my life, such as depression, BIID, relationship and problems related to it, etc. I explained how difficult it gets to have to hide my "working" legs, and how limiting it sometimes is. Like having to hide the wheelchair from my GP, yet wheel everywhere else. How it used to be that I had to hide my wheelchair, but now I’m hiding my legs. How this means I must tell stories about why I’m in the chair rather than being fortright about it, and how my partner is also stuck in that situation, in fact I’m imposing a need for her to be dishonest with people if they ask her why I’m using the chair. I won’t (nor could) recap everything that went on in that session, just know it feels like a lot of ground was covered, even if it’s "old ground" for me.

[tags]Therapy, Transabled, Wheelchair, Routine, Eureka, Obsesion, Depression[/tags]

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