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Reassessing Thoughts
Written by Sophie on Tuesday, January 23, 2007
You will have to forgive me for not posting much, I really can’t be bothered thinking. I’m simply trying to get by in life. It seems life is one big struggle to attain what you don’t have. Is anyone ever happy? Does anyone ever have what they want? Is my transabledness just a part of my struggle to be happy, not really meaning anything by itself but a part of one big picture. I know that my transabledness isn’t the only part of who I am, it’s a small part of who I am, sometimes a big part.
One must wonder what makes you most happy? Will I be happy if/when I get my SCI, I’d prefer to think I would be happy rather than never do it and regret it. I know in my heart I’m better off doing the deed and regretting it later than not doing the deed and regretting never taking that chance. I wonder should I just try and do the injection thing by myself. Should I throw myself in front of a bus (and get a whole heap of other nasty injuries. Should I jump off a roof, should I just throw in the towel? There are some aspects of my life that is improving. I find I’m able to open up to my little brother even more now than ever. He hates how I can’t tell my parents about the “good” things that are happening in my life. He’s so excited how he could have a website for his favourite comic (Zebra Girl). Sometimes these good aspects just seem to be swallowed up by this big longing to just get it all over and done with (no I’m not suicidal). But then I do wonder would I be better off dying trying to attain my ultimate goal than never try at all? Will I ever be happy?
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1 On 24 January, 2007, rorschach said:
I don’t intend to proselytize but this may come off that way.
The first thing anyone learns in Buddhism are the Four Noble Truths. If Buddhism is a building, it is the ground upon which that building stands.
The first noble truth states, we all desire happiness, but hardly any of us truly attain it. To put it succinctly, life is suffering.
The second states that desire is the root of all suffering. What happens in life is we exist in reality, however our consciousness is not in harmony with reality. We can not accept what is (the status quo), and because of this we suffer. Our ability, often seen as innately human, to imagine a better life for ourselves, is exactly what causes us so much pain to begin with.
The third states that there is a way out of suffering. Here though is where I end with the Buddhism, the fourth is their way out of suffering and that kind of loses a lot of the plain facts of existence, and becomes a bit more religion.
Anyway, what I’m getting at is that there are ways out of this pain you’re feeling that don’t involve a severed spinal cord, or a wheelchair, or any of that. They involve rigorous mental training. Cognitive behavioral therapy is gaining momentum as a new form of therapy which may assist in mental illness without the use of drugs.
You see, when you have a thought or focus on something it creates a neural pathway. When you think about it again, that pathway gets reinforced. The more you think that thought the easier it becomes for your brain to process it. It is much like walking down a trail, the more you do it, the more worn in it becomes, and easier to travel.
If you can find an open minded cognitive behavioral therapist they can work with you on mental exercises to help circumvent these feelings and break free from this painful path. Recently it was found that meditation (not Buddhist meditation, just general meditation [though they did do a lot of research on Buddhists]), is a great aid doing such tasks, and it is currently being investigated by cognitive behavioral therapists.
I’m not trying to say that being a pretender is a bad thing, but to be honest it isn’t easy. You don’t have to look far in our community to find stories of anguish over not being paralyzed or something similar. I’m trying to show you that there is a way out, you’re not alone, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I hope this helps.