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Ramblings on self-injury
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Written by Sean on Wednesday, March 12, 2008
I’ve spoken to three people who have self-injured recently. Success varies. I must admit, I feel bitter-sweet about it. One managed to paralyse their ankles/feet, another did so much damage to his lower leg that he’ll be undergoing amputation surgery in the next few days, and the last one did not manage the desired paralysis, but is left with tremendous nerve pain.
Someone asked me if I was jealous of those who had achieved their expected result. I don’t think jealousy would be the right word. There is certainly a dose of envy. But it is not expressing itself negatively. I’m very happy for them. It’s great they have finally reached what they needed to be. I wish it were me, obviously, but I’m still very happy. I don’t like it when I know my friends suffer.
I am sorry for my friend who ended up with nerve pain instead of paralysis. I hope a solution can be found sooner rather than later. But I am also angry. Angry and frustrated. Not at my friend, but rather at the medical community. We are forced to harm ourselves, in methods that are unsafe, more often than not. In the words of my friend:
Enraged at the doctors who make it necessary for us to do these self-procedures because they offer no help whatsoever… Neither psychological nor surgical. And I can’t even go to them now for relief because I’m terrified I’ll be committed, even though there’s no chance I’ll try it again.
Not like committing them would change a thing. Psychotherapies do nothing for BIID. Medications do nothing for BIID.
So, I’m bitter-sweet. I wish it had been me. I wish I was *there*. But I’m not. I wish it was easier for everyone to get there. But I’m happy that a few of my friends are finding peace, finally. I’m angry at the medical community forcing us to risk more damage. It’s a turmoil of emotions.
It sucks to have BIID. It sucks not to be in the body you should be in. It is joyful to know a few people are getting there.
[tags]BIID, Surgery, Amputation, Paralysis, Nerve pain, Psychological, Medications[/tags]This entry appears in Sean's Thoughts, Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
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12 Comments
2 On 15 March, 2008, Sophie said:
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there are a lot of journalists and documentary makers that have come and gone, they are yet to prove that what they want to do will help us rather than make them money.
I do not feel comfortable blaming the medical profession when people take matters into their own hands.
Ethically, they can not give us what we want.
We can not blame them, nor should we expect somebody to sacrifice themselves professionally just to start blazing our trail.
4 On 16 March, 2008, Sean said:
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Ronald, the thing is, I don’t think that the ethical argument has a leg to stand on (pun intended). And I’m not the only one. Bayne & Levy, among others, agree.
And what of the “ethics” of providing repeated plastic surgeries to people who are “addicted” to them? The whole dialectic of plastic bodies/plastic surgery is an interesting one. Nikki Sullivan and John Jordan have written interesting stuff about that.
5 On 17 March, 2008, Eric said:
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I can understand the whole ethics thing, but what about the doctors who go out on a limb to help folks like me to obtain Sex Reassignment Surgery? Many of them take risks, and while transsexualism is much more well known, it is still not accepted widely enough to even be a covered service in 99.999% of insurance companies.
As a group, doctors can be —holes. As individuals, they can be great. Personally, I would invite my doctor to my home. But I doubt he would ever perform a surgical procedure on me to permanently paralyze me. He’s just too compassionate and he knows the bad things that happen from paralysis. I guess if I were a doctor, I would work hard to seek out experts to help me to help my patients as much as possible. I think this doesn’t happen with many doctors… too many.
Thank you, Sean. Very interesting reading.
I question myself, as I do not consider myself to “suffer” from or with BIID. I am fine with it, I accept it, I live with it. Hooray for me!
Obviously, I can not feel or know how another individual suffers, I certainly do not claim to be able to do so. If some individuals lives are a living hell, then yes, surgery, if the only cure available, should be made available. And, so what if it is irreversible. How many limbs were hacked off years ago that today are saved by drugs or advanced surgery, arterial grafts, etc. Nobody insisted these patients wait thirty years for medical breakthroughs.
It seems in the case of amputation, the medical profession views it only a last resort. There seems to be so many surgical options that MUST be tried, even if a person will require years of recovery and therapy to perhaps even approach normal use of a limb, rather than amputation and prosthetics.
I do question the ethics of repeated elective plastic surgery. When it is obsession driven, “No” should be the answer, and certainly not for teenagers. Is plastic surgery, breast augmentation really about how a person feels inside or is one simply trying to please others?
But, I do see the medical communities reluctance at this point, since there is so little understanding of BIID. Remember, if the medical community acts simply on the demands of a few based upon what is anecdotal evidence, will they not also be required to perform every whacko, off the wall procedure somebody heard or read about in some far off place that does not practice Western medecine?
7 On 20 March, 2008, Sean said:
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Hey Ronald,
I am also fine with BIID, and I accept it. So I guess I don’t suffer from BIID. I suffer from the fact that there is no recourse for me to align my body image to my physical body. So I suffer because society/the medical establishment won’t treat me for my BIID in the only way shown to work. It’s a subtle, but important difference. But also one that most people would miss completely. It is more efficient to say “I suffer from BIID”. {shrug}
I found something interesting. In the preamble to an article about amputation, the comment was made that an amputation is viewed as a medical failure, amputations are one of the oldest medical procedures, and quite often performed by the least experienced surgeons. The implication is of course that amputations are somewhere on the evolutionary scale of medicine with leaches. Seems like something that is to be avoided at all possible costs. I wonder if this rationale is getting in the way of treating BIID?
I knew a guy whose foot and ankle had been crushed in a motorcycle accident. The doctors did everything to keep from amputating. He didn’t want them to amputate. But in the end, nothing could cure his pain and the doctors were actually getting annoyed at him for continuing to be in pain.
When he finally decided on amputation, he was greatly relieved and it worked. The pain went away, but he suffered for years while the doctors tried to “save” his leg.
My point precisely. Even if surgery was considered as a prescribed treatment for BIID, I wonder how many years one would be required to suffer while other options are persued?
11 On 25 March, 2008, Sean said:
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Well, the thing is, if surgery is recognised as a viable treatment option, it means that no other options are currently working. I read an academic paper recently which said something to the effect that “it’s easier to fix the body than to fix the brain map” of transsexuals, and most transsexuals do have to go through a couple years of jumping through hoops before they can get surgery. But surgery *is* an option, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel (if you can afford it). We don’t even have *that* much. I would not feel so despondent if someone told me “in 24 months, you’ll get what you need, if you jump through the following hoops before then”. I’d jump through those hoops. Heck, I *have*. Therapy of all ilks, medication, “real life test”, I’ve done it all… I’m not the only one either. Ready as ever.
With reference to transexuals, while surgery is performed, the net result is still missing one thing, that is the ability to reproduce as a member of new gender. This is not an original thought from me, somebody else is due the credit. The result leaves something out, still a missing function but perfection is not the goal. I feel though, that the medical profession will have a hard time performing surgery of last resort as the primary treatment.
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1 On 12 March, 2008, Gordo said:
It’s situations like these when I wish BIID had more exposure to the public. If people are more aware of this, then there’d at least be some research done, allowing us to finally progress in our cause. Right now, we’re very obviously stuck in a rut. It’s too bad there isn’t a filmmaker or journalist amongst us, otherwise I can see some exposure via a documentary or some extended featured article.
The downside of publicity is there seems to be a tendency for people to use BIID as a “shock value” thing so they can make money (ie. for a movie). I wonder if that sentiment would ever go away though; I mean, even something widely known like self-harm (ie. cutting oneself to relieve emotional pain) is still being used for shock value in some films and TV shows.
Sigh… Yet another reason why my BIID novel-in-progress would have a slim chance of getting noticed outside the BIID community…