Home / Thoughts / Protect me from people who live in la-la-land
Protect me from people who live in la-la-land
Written by Sean on Sunday, April 6, 2008
I’ve been IM’ed by someone recently that is after something entirely different than I am. This person obviously wants to just talk about fantasy and make-belief. At first, I was told he wanted to be a paraplegic. Then he told me he wanted to be a DAK. Then he went on to tell me about his wife helping him back in his wheelchair when he "fell" out of it. Quite frankly, this kind of talk is fine if it works for you, but I have no time for it. These are the kind of people who, in my opinion, give transabled people a bad name. They don’t live in the real world, they are not interested in the reality of having a disability - fantasy land is where they’re at.
Me, it’s never been something that I was particularly into. Oh, sure, I like to read a good fictional story (or write them occasionaly). I have nothing against fantasy per se, it’s good for the soul once in a while. But it isn’t what it’s all about either. The fact is, for those of us with BIID, our need for an impairment is real. We know and understand what is involved in the condition we are seeking. It’s not airy-fairy stuff. It’s not about "oh, but I’d look so good and I’d be so sexy" (although to be fair, Dr. First’s study shows that for a minor percentage of people sexuality is part of their need/desire).
It seems to me to be quite immature. The kind of things I’d have been thinking about when I was 12, before I had any real chance to think about my need and research my required condition. But I think even at the "ripe old age of 12", I was more mature than that (even if I say so myself).
These people live in la-la-land. They are more in love with the idea of being disabled than they really need to be disabled. The "glamour" (such as they think it is) is what attracts them. I think that if they were faced with someone that told them "ok, I’ll give you surgery right here, right now", they’d shy away from it and would in fact run away from the opportunity as fast as they could. They do not need to be disabled. In fact, they do not even *want* to be disabled. They just like to talk about how great it would be to be disabled. Ignoring reality in the process.
No wonder people with disabilities are upset at us. These attitudes are exactly what gets under one’s skin. If these people have BIID, something I would argue against, they give us a bad reputation. And even if they don’t "technically" have BIID, most people aren’t aware of the subtlety of our condition and won’t see the difference. It is unfortunate, both for people with disabilities and for those of us who have BIID.
A sampe chat
Please note that I changed the guy’s name to protect his identity. After re-reading this, I’m thinking that some people are a serious waste of air, and I wonder “why do I bother?“.
la-la-land: hi
la-la-land: how r u
la-la-land: im 26 male ina wheelchair
la-la-land: ima pretender
la-la-land: wanna chat??
la-la-land: ???????
la-la-land just sent you a Buzz!
Sean: patience
Sean: if it says I’m away, it’s probably because I’m not at my computer
Sean: sure, I’ll chat. what do you want to chat about?
la-la-land: i never gotta thing saying u were away
Sean: my status is set as "away"
la-la-land: oh
la-la-land: sorry
Sean: anyway, I wasn’t at the computer ;)
la-la-land: ok
Sean: what would you like to chat about?
la-la-land: anything
Sean: why do you pretend?
Sean: and how do you know of me?
la-la-land: found u in wheelchair pretenders
Sean: ah
Sean: I’m a bit all over the place ;)
Sean: have you seen my sites?
la-la-land: dont think so
Sean: http://transabled.org is my blog
Sean: http://biid-info.org is my resource website for BIID
la-la-land: oh
la-la-land: ok
la-la-land: im in my chair
la-la-land: now
la-la-land: u
Sean: no. I’m comfortably in my recliner
Sean: I live 100% of my public life as a wheelchair
user, and have done so for over a decade now
la-la-land: thats kool
la-la-land: where r u from
Sean: sorry, I don’t say where I’m from
Sean: why do you use a wheelchair?
la-la-land: ima pretender
Sean: ok, but why do you pretend?
la-la-land: i like chairs
Sean: why?
la-la-land: dont know
la-la-land: always have
Sean: do you want to be paralysed?
la-la-land: yea
Sean: ok
la-la-land: i always thought people in chairs were cool
Sean: what level of paralysis do you want?
la-la-land: paraplegia
Sean: what level of paraplegia?
la-la-land: t12
Sean: I see
la-la-land: cause id have alot of trunk function
Sean: you realise that if you are a T12, you can’t feel
your dick, you have bladder and bowel incontinence (you pee and shit
yourself), yes?
la-la-land: or a quad
Sean: what about quad?
la-la-land: oh yes i knew that
Sean: ok
la-la-land: didnt know about the bowel incontinence
Sean: ya
la-la-land: would i be on a bowel program
Sean: probably
la-la-land: howd that work
Sean: just eat regularly, and empty your bowels at a
regular time each day, and pray to hell you won’t have problems
in-between
la-la-land: would i have to wear a adult diaper
Sean: not necessarily
la-la-land: ok
la-la-land: then what
Sean: then what?
la-la-land: what would i do
Sean: whatever you need to! LOL
Sean: just saying… it’s not just all fun and games
la-la-land: whats one where id have more control
Sean: well… all spinal cord injuries mess with the
bladder and bowels
la-la-land: so id always crap myself
Sean: pretty much
Sean: I’m surprised you haven’t done the research to
learn more about what you want
la-la-land: i want a lap belt
Sean: why?
la-la-land: to look more disabled
la-la-land: i have an a4 chair
la-la-land: suprcore stimulite cushion
la-la-land: contour cushion
And it went on with more of the same, on three or four different occasions…
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8 Comments
I think you get about a million karma points for even talking to this person. I’ve had similar IM conversations directed my way, but not for a couple of years now, for which I am very grateful. They all seemed to come from the same mold, much like La-la’s.
Eesh.
3 On 7 April, 2008, Sophie said:
I used to get stuck talking to people like that online all the time. It’s why I’m never online, or if I am I’m either away or invisible.
Whoa, Claire… That guy actually creeps me out. There’s asking questions out of curiosity and there’s…THAT.
I’m impressed at how you and Sean have handled those situations. I wonder if I’d be able to handle it so well (I’m guessing not).
Sean and Claire, you have far more patience than I would. Two million karma points at least!
While I often agree with most of what is said between Sean/Claire on this website, I feel that this post directly contradicts another post where Sean calls for inclusion in the BIID/Amp and related communities….. Whilst I would agree and say that this individual is not of the utmost ’smarts’ when it comes to knowing what he wants…. I don’t fully know what I want either. of course I would like to be able to still get erect and have minimal bowl issues, but would I REALLY care if I had damage in the lumbar vs T-range? No. Do i even CARE enough to think about it? No - ive got more important things in my life. I find the conversation rather a riot as it appears to be all over the place (ie: i want a lap belt…. - okkkk?) BUt i dont think hes giving us a bad rap, and although I am much more shy then say Sean or Claire about using my chari in public, I at least am far more open about telling people…. I think you should be a little more considerate before ‘dissing’ people in the same/similar boat as you, even if they are ‘inferior’ and slightly dramatic/BS.
8 On 20 April, 2008, Sean said:
Greg, I’m sorry to have disappointed you. The problem is not so much “not wanting what he wants”, as much as appearing to utterly superficial. Plus there were several flags throughout the conversation (and subsequent ones) that made me think he wasn’t completely honest with me.
I don’t see a problem if someone wants to have a conversation of fantasy and make-belief, as this guy clearly wanted. But, if you do so without ensuring that the person you’re talking to is on the same page, you are liable to cause problems for others. I have NO interest in pretenses. I’m interested in meaningful conversations. Doesn’t mean that I’m “dissing” those who like the pretense.
As for being in the same boat as I am, I actually don’t believe for a moment that this guy is in the same boat I am. As I said, he’s more enraptured at the *idea* of wanting to be disabled than he really does need to be disabled. He’s not the first character like that I’ve encountered. And if my assessment is wrong, he has my most abject apologies.
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1 On 6 April, 2008, ahab said:
I think these people like this mate you just met can make our lives more difficult than necessary. I see the problem that research will sooner or later have the problem to make a clear distinction who really suffers from BIID and who does not or who does suffer from other conditions.
I think it is not enough to say, having BIID means to need to be impaired. BIID is something different. To an outsider and to some researchers BIID is about the need to be impaired. Actually, I think BIID is more and is something different. This mate you met may have the need to be disabled only on his mind. To some doctors this already may be some mild form of BIID.
But I think this seems to more some kind of artificial disorder, also known as Munchhausen’s syndrome. These people seek for attention and the phantasy of being disabled may promise them to get this attention. But, this is not BIID. And there is a big danger, these people will be confused with “real” BIID sufferers. The best way to prevent any confusion would be to finally make clear what BIID really is about. We need a clear and tight definition of the nature of BIID. Unless there is such a clear definition of BIID we will have to face the danger of being confused with people like this guy for a very long time.