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Pretending: therapy prescribed by psychologist
Written by Claire on Wednesday, April 18, 2007
I was asked recently on the Paradevo board why wheelchair use is so fulfilling. I have BIID, a mental illness. To me, using a wheelchair is therapy. In fact, my psychologist has told me to continue doing this (from time to time) because it is, well, therapeutic. So, for me, pretending is actually a therapy prescribed by a mental health professional.
The wheelchair is a tool that helps in role play. Role play is a common method of therapy for many kinds of psychological conditions and BIID is no different. It’s not really about the wheelchair, but the body image. In my case, my legs just feel wrong, there are times when their presence drives me nuts, they are supposed to be still and unmoving. Just like the transgendered person who believes they were born in the wrong body, or whose brain is telling them that they should be other than they physically are, my body also feels wrong. I’ve had this feeling since I was barely 5 years old, and for most transabled people the memories go back to early childhood. Now the why of that is a mystery to everyone. I don’t know. Some say it’s psychological. Some say it’s neurological. Some say it’s neuropsychological. It’s up for grabs.
But back to why wheelchair use feels so fulfilling: for one thing, using a wheelchair allows me to get around without using my legs, which in itself is a relief (in spite of the fact that wheeling is difficult, I have a shoulder injury, I am getting stuck in snow, access issues and all the other crap). But just sitting in it in my office had very little effect on me after the first couple weeks. It’s not enough to just sit there and wheel around a 12×12 space. That’s not role playing, that’s hiding. I wanted to get out, to wheel in wide-open spaces, to find out what it’s like to have to use a wheelchair in everyday situations. And yes, I know I’ll never really know. Ever. Not the tenth part. I don’t even know how much I’ll never know. But I do know that I’ll know much more by going out into the world than by sitting alone by myself in a room.
When I first brought up pretending to my psychologist, she said that she thought that it was an excellent idea. She said that’s very similar to what she tells the male patients who want to dress up as a woman. Go to a town where nobody knows you, do that, get some relief for a time. She also said that she thought it was necessary for me to do that to get a better idea of what I wanted, and that I would see how difficult it was to have to use a wheelchair, and that it would help me to change my mind about this. And act as a deterrent from self-injuring.
So I did it, and far from changing my mind, it only reinforced the fact that I felt better using a wheelchair than I did walking. It’s quite simple really. Instead of being plagued by constant obsessive thoughts and not being able to concentrate fully on what is going on around me, I simply live the experience and go about my daily life. The obsessive thoughts go away, the constant nagging and mental anguish disappear and I can just live and pay attention to what is going around me and enjoy myself, or even be totally freaking pissed off at accessibility issues but at least I’m not obsessing in some mentally ill way. I just feel mentally healthy when I wheel. I would much rather choose mental health over physical health and convenience! Who wouldn’t?
I came back and told my therapist this. She expected me to say "It was such an eye-opener, I hated it!" But I said "It was such an eye-opener, I loved it, I want more!" It’s a bit addictive, I will admit. And the day after I get home from a pretending trip, I experience a severe depression, a longing to return, a wishing that it didn’t ever have to stop. But after a day or two things reassert themselves and I find myself much better able to handle transabled thoughts and obsessions, I feel more "normal", more stable. It relieves the pressure. And when it starts to get bad again, then I have another trip to look forward to, and that too helps to manage things. So, with this in mind, my psychologist, her psychiatrist boss, and the psychotherapist that they work with and I have also talked to, are all of the opinion that I need to keep doing this, that it’s a good thing.
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10 Comments
2 On 18 April, 2007, Marie said:
Fascinating and completely spot on. Transsexuals who live a double life experience the same depression when they have to revert to the wrong mode of living.
Glad to see a shrink encouraging people to do things instead of guilting them into the closet.
3 On 19 April, 2007, Claire said:
Sean: thanks, you’re right, my use of the word “role play” was in no way intended to mean it was a game. It’s an accepted form of therapy.
Marie: I’m fascinated to know that transsexuals also experience what I call the “post-trip crash”. Somehow, that validates the whole experience for me. Thank you.
4 On 19 April, 2007, Hannah Price said:
Claire, I would love to speak with you directly about your experiences. Are you based in the UK?
I am writing from a television production company called Media Zoo. We are researching BIID, ‘pretending’ and associated issues for a new documentary on a terrestrial channel.
We are interested into speaking to anyone who suffers from this condition or is affected by it in any way.
I understand that BIID is a very sensitive issue. I assure you that any contact with us will be highly confidential. At this point we are just interested in people making contact with us, and there is no commitment to be part of the show.
Please contact Hannah for more information or for a chat on Hannah@mediazoo.tv or 0207 978 7667 as soon as possible.
This might be the best thing I’ve read on this site yet! (And there’s been a lot of good stuff, too!) In my case it is so true.
I moved back to Illinois, was severely depressed (suicidal)about my divorce and the direction of my life. My transabledness also one of the many factors. Since I got re-acclimated with freinds, family and work back here, I still had those bad thoughts. But, in February I knew the “lay-of-the-land” around here again and I began spending all day, every Sunday as a para. Being able to do that has helped those bad thoughts go away. I still have a lot of sadness, but with a full day a week in my wheelchair, suicide has not entered my mind. It is tremendous therapy for me, no matter what other professionals say!
Thanks, Claire!
6 On 20 April, 2007, Claire said:
Thanks Jim, I appreciate that. :o)
Hannah, thanks for stopping by, as you know I’ve emailed you privately.
7 On 27 April, 2007, Eric said:
I am a transsexual man, and have had “transabled” feelings for as long as I have had transsexual feelings. I see this like being in the closet about being gay or lesbian or transsexually identified. I have been living as a male since January 13, 2003. I have had one surgery so far and I look forward to my final surgery soon. I cannot describe what life is like to come out of the closet and finally be myself. I would never look back. But I have never told anyone about my transabled feelings. I just found information on it earlier this year, and almost everytime I am alone and online, I am looking at sites. I just found this one now, and it has changed some of my thinking. However, I found a story written by an MD about how there are a lot of people who have transabled feelings who are also transsexual. I have no idea where his statistic came from, but I don’t know what to think of this. I wonder if any of you readers have thoughts on this. I can relate to being transsexual but have always been confused about feeling transabled, and I think this is because there is a local GLBT organization that affirms, there are slowly more rights and protections for GLBT people, but there is nothing out there about this that isn’t either porn or just junk. Please write… I am curious to know your thoughts. I’m glad to know I’m not alone. It makes me feel like I’m not crazy.
8 On 27 April, 2007, Sean said:
Hello Eric,
You’re welcome to “hang around” here. While I think there are several similarities between GID and BIID, and I know many transabled individuals who are also transsexuals, I don’t know if the ratio is so big. Where did you find that story by an MD? Do you have a link? I’d be interested in seeing it. The one statistical study that was done showed (from memory) only one or two transsexuals out of over 50 study participants.
9 On 11 October, 2007, Something shocking and creepy, deaf wannabes, pretenders and others - AllDeaf.com said:
[...] Hello all. I would like to make a few points that seem to be lost somewhere in this discussion. Body Identity Integrity Disorder is a real illness. It’s not Munchausen’s (nor by Proxy) and it’s not hypochondria. It’s an inexplicable desire for disability that in the vast majority of cases goes back to very young childhood. (see http:/www.biid-info.org ) Someone asked what the medical community "thinks" of BIID and what resources there are. To be quite frank, there are NO resources available to sufferers of BIID because it is so rare that the vast majority of doctors and mental health professionals haven’t heard of it. A lot of people have said "those people are mentally ill, that’s disgusting (or creepy, or whatever other derogatory term used), they should go get help." I agree, we are mentally ill. However, mental illness is not "disgusting." I have a real condition. Having any kind of mental condition (be it BIID, or schizophrenia, or Alzheimers, or depression) doesn’t make a person any more disgusting or creepy than you are for being deaf. We all have our issues. I have mine. You have yours. How is one person’s health issue "better" than someone else’s? Do you subscribe to the disability heiriarchy? It’s ok to be deaf, but it’s not okay to have some rare neuropsychological condition? Seems hypocritical to me. Secondly, the vast majority of us have seen shrinks. The three that I’ve seen had never heard of BIID and basically all told me "I can’t help you, there’s no treatment protocol for that." That’s not just my experience, that’s basically the response we all get when we try to get help. It’s not that we’re not trying to get help. It’s there there’s no help available. We’ve exhausted all our resources. That leaves us in a very difficult place. Feared and reviled and called creepy and disgusting, but nobody can help us. We live with demons in our head and the only way we have to still them is to pretend, or actually try to accomplish our desired disability. Do a little research online and you’ll find that BIID sufferers who have actually acheived their goal are in the vast majority very satisfied with the results and the obsession goes away, allowing them to get on with life. Those of us who don’t want to or can’t go that route are left with pretending as the only way to deal with the obsession and feel somewhat mentally normal. I am still in therapy, and my psychologist is very supportive of my pretending. For those of you who have said we should "get help"…I did get help, and the help I got was for my therapist to encourage and support the only way I have ever found to deal with BIID…to use a wheelchair. Pretending: therapy prescribed by psychologist » transabled.org » Blogging about BIID [...]
10 On 20 October, 2007, Something shocking and creepy, deaf wannabes, pretenders and others - Page 2 - AllDeaf.com said:
[...] to encourage and support the only way I have ever found to deal with BIID…to use a wheelchair. Pretending: therapy prescribed by psychologist » transabled.org » Blogging about BIID BIID is not diagnosable by DSM IV-TR criterion. That is not to say that you do not have a mental [...]
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1 On 18 April, 2007, Sean said:
Thank you for this. I find it fascinating that some therapist finally start to recognise the value of “pretending”.
I think it’s important to make a distinction between “role-play”, as a form of therapy, or as a way to appease the internal emotional turmoil we go through, and the idea that ‘play’ is synonym with ‘game’.
For the vast majority of transabled individuals, using a wheelchair, or tying a leg behind one’s back is not a game, and while it is an enjoyable experience, it’s not done just for the sake of having fun.