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Post-trip crash
Written by Claire on Friday, January 26, 2007
I have been in good spirits in the week since my pretending trip. The one exception is the day after I returned, I had what I now call a post-trip crash. This happened to me after my first trip as well, although I didn’t write about it at the time. This time, I think it’s something that needs to be looked at. Another pretender has told me he experiences the same thing. Any would-be pretender contemplating getting his or her first chair should know what kinds of things can happen.
They day after I returned, I felt depressed and hopeless. I wanted nothing but to go back, and be that person that I become when I’m pretending. Even when it sucks, it’s still RIGHT. Nothing’s wrong with my head, then. I just feel normal. I feel mentally healthy. I feel like ME. And here at home, able-bodied, I was just lonely, and depressed, and obsessed, unfulfilled and mentally ill.
When I got home, I wanted to talk to someone so badly! Face to face! I tried to talk to my husband about my trip on the night I arrived home, and talk about being transabled, and what I felt like, and he told me straight out "if you want to talk, that’s fine, but talk about something else." So I went online, the only place I can truly talk about it.
I wrote the following to a friend. I don’t feel so much like this now, so I’ll present it as an example of the frame of mind I was in at the time:
I want it so, so, so bad. I want to talk to someone so badly! Face to face! I tried to talk to JF last night when I got home, I wanted to talk about my trip, and being transabled, and what I felt like, and he told me straight out "if you want to talk, that’s fine, but talk about something else." So I look for friends on chat, and no one’s there. And I look for friends on discussion groups, and no one’s there. And I have so much to say, and no one to say it to, and I could write a blog post, but, I don’t want to write to the masses, I just want to write to SOMEONE. And even then, if you were on chat, or Mathilda was on chat, or someone else who understands, I’d just be saying the SAME DAMN THING anyway! I want to be in a wheelchair, I want to be paralyzed, I’m depressed, I’m lonely, I want to be in a wheelchair, what am I going to do? Nothing new there, so who really wants to hear it? What point is there to saying it? It just sits inside, eating away at me, and I think, there used to be more to me than this, and little by little, it takes up more and more space, and eats up whatever else was inside of me until only that’s left.
I also had thoughts of purging everything. I wanted to run away, far away, sell my chair, get rid of every reminder that I’m transabled and a devotee, and yes, this even includes the friends I’ve made. Nine years ago I did purge everything, except that in the end, I was never able to say goodbye to my truly special friends. Those are still here, and I’m glad of that now. I am told by someone who once did purge everything that it’s not an answer, because the feelings stay, except then you don’t have your chair (or your friends?) to help you manage the feelings, so you’re back to square one.
Something about these trips really gets to me. Both times, upon returning, it hit me very hard that I needed to be in a wheelchair. The contrast between the way I felt while living my life in a chair, and the way I feel in my "real" life, was too much. Some might ask: Why even go, then?
Well, I need that breath of fresh air. While I’m there, I feel better than I do anywhere. Yes, I get tired, I get stuck, and I get frustrated, but the thing is, it’s normal fatigue, normal difficulties, and normal frustration. I feel healthy. I can focus on what I need to do without half my mind in some fantasy world somewhere. Regardless of how I end up feeling immediately upon my return, I need that breath of fresh air.
And the day after the post-trip crash, I felt better than I have in weeks. Last weekend, my kids had a sports event and I actually enjoyed myself. I played a game with my youngest and had a good time. I haven’t felt good enough to enjoy my family in a long, long time. So in the end, these trips are good, and I’m still looking forward to the next one.
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