Comments on: Partners are affected too

By: Ronald

Ronald — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 18:25:01 +0000

A big part of deciding when to bring a partner into the loop is trust. This would be the ultimate test of deciding on a life partner. I mean trust in terms of at least attempting to understand, of course not blabbing to the gossip community, and trust in that they will not appoint themself as a self styled expert and insist on what they know is right for you.

By: Claire

Claire — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 01:56:22 +0000

Well…going through this myself I will say this. If they ignore the issue, then they fail to provide you the support you need, all in the name of protecting *themselves* from something at your expense - putting themselves and their ego ahead of your needs and pain. That doesn’t give the *appearance* of uncaring, that just plain IS uncaring. Period.

By: Claire

Claire — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 13:06:42 +0000

If so then at what stage does one involve a partner?

The longer you keep it a secret, the harder it is to come out, and the harder it will be for your partner to accept. I would wait until I knew that the person will be a significant, long-term partner, though.

By: jen

jen — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 09:57:18 +0000

Also - another bit of practical advice… If you come out to your partner and he/she’s accepting of it, you both need to work out ground rules.

If you ‘pretend’ for therapy, work out what times you’ll want to do that, based on your partner’s acceptance of it.

Also, be consistent. If you’re blindsimming, you don’t get to pop out your opaque lenses or take off the shades because it’s convenient. If you’re going to live the life, however briefly, live it completely.

Just sayin.

By: Sean

Sean — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 05:55:55 +0000

It ain’t that simple Rorschach… It’s not so much BIID itself that is the problem, as much as the pain and suffering caused by BIID. Using a wheelchair only partially alleviate that.

By: Rorschach

Rorschach — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 04:46:25 +0000

From my point of what is happening is this…

Sean is living his life TA

Mrs. O’Connor feels badly when she is confronted with this.

It seems to me, that you are living your life in a way which is conducive with personal happiness (rightness even). Your wife, due to personal issues does not seem to be able to cope with this.

If this is true it appears to me that the “problem” is hers and not yours. As I understand them relationships involve a lot of give and take on both sides. While this is a major give on her part, and take on yours, it seems imperative to your mental health to be in a wheelchair.

It makes you happy, but makes her distraught. I can only assume that your wife would want you to be happy. It follows then that it would be good for her to learn to accept you as you feel you should be. She can’t change you, but she can adapt to you, just as you have adapted to BIID.

By: Ronald

Ronald — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 21:24:38 +0000

I told my wife, then fiance, about these feelings that I had. This was before I knew I was not the only person on the face of the Earth with these feelings. I did not fully understand my own self, but I knew these feelings would surface again during one of the cycles I seemed to have gone through. I made full disclosure, tried to explain as best I could. My wife thought it was a bizarre fetish, but seemed happy with this. I did not want this to take us by surprise, or have her feel that she married somebody she ultimately could not or did not really want to be with. Better to get this dealt with in private rather than the public forum of Civil court.

I have recently made peace with BIID and myself, for about the last 4 to 5 months. Again, I mention the BBC documenyaty, which my wife recently saw and now has a very complete understanding of this condition, and what I have gone through for the last 41 or 42 years. She has been quite supportive, thank God. She does not mind me being on crutches and even hinted that we might go out in public!

Had my wife not been so accepting, there would not have been a marriage. She was in no way deceived, mislead or defrauded.

I refer to BIID as a ‘condition’ and only that. I do not know if it is psychological, neurological, mental illness or a hardwiring problem of the brain. It is though, a legitimate medical condition that ultimately must be managed, in some cases with irreversable action.

Yes, partners are affcted too, and must be brought into the loop, perhaps gradually, or cold turkey. At this stage in my life, managing BIID the way I do is simply more important than being in a relationship. For me, thank God, I have the best of both worlds.

By: Sean

Sean — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 20:05:29 +0000

I don’t know if you can qualify it as “progressive”, but it seems that for a lot of us, the older we get, the harder we’re affected. I imagine it could be due to accumulating frustration and building pressure. As for when do you involve a partner… I think that you must involve them as soon as possible. They need to know about that aspect of you before they get involved with you. It’s hard, but, otherwise, they aren’t knowing the full you.

By: Simon Dowling

Simon Dowling — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 13:40:43 +0000

I wonder if anyone can tell me is BIID progressive (like say a form of MS)? If so then at what stage does one involve a partner?

By: jen

jen — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 10:28:28 +0000

There is another option. Care and accept it, as you would accept it if your partner were disabled by disease, accident, or simply age. There will always be times when there is pain from this, especially if there was a “before”, but that pain doesn’t have to be constant or even appear on a regular basis.

Were I involved with someone with a disability, I would resist all attempts to have me see “before” pictures. I would rather just deal with the “now”.