Blog > Thoughts > Other's Thoughts > Zoe's thoughts > I Don’t Think I Have The Guts
I Don’t Think I Have The Guts
Written by Zoe on Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I have posted in the past, and interacted quite intimitately with many of you, but i have to own up to something…. I am sitting here desperately wanting to become a paraplegic, desperately wanting my own chair so at least if I can’t achieve my ultimate goal, I will at least have something to show for all this heartache…
But I’m kind of wavering here – not because I’ve made a mistake, not because I dont want it, just because I’m not sure how I’m ever going to get it.
And we all know, that we can "treat" our BIID via ignorance, we know that we can put it aside if we choose to forego our deepest desires. I really don’t want to put it aside. I really feel such a great connection to you all and an acceptance that I never thought that I could ever feel.
But by the same token, I have so many things going on in my life, it seems my only option is to act selfishly and choose to put these thoughts out of my head.
It’s going to be the hardest thing I have ever done, and to be honest, I’m not sure how successful I will be. Probably you will log on to find me back here in a week or two… Because the thing is, all I have ever tried to be is myself, but I’ve also tried to hide myself in real life, I’ve tried to make myself likeable and acceptable according to the social norm, but you have all seen the real me, something I’ve let very few people see in my lifetime.
But I have so many stressors in my life, and this is the only one that I can give up, the only one which me putting aside would not mean entering into bankruptcy or ruining my marriage, or letting down my parents. And so, there are other goals that I have to focus on at the moment.
I’m sure I will still log on from time to time and keep track of how you’re all going, and as I said, I’m sure I’ll be back in the not to distant future because I know that choosing to put aside all this stuff is only a temporary solution, but its the one I need at the moment.
I wish you all the best.
Luv,
Z
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8 Comments
2 On 14 January, 2009, Sophie said:
Zoe I hope for your sake you’re able to do it but honestly I’ve learned that distracting myself will only work for a few weeks at most. I’m trying to do exactly what you want to do, there’s a reason why I still post at transabled.org despite the fact that I have to fake being “normal”.
Life is complicated. We are complicated. There is no easy way out. We each have to find our own path through this as best we can.
I support whatever you need to do, Zoe. Good luck, and thank you for enriching our lives.
5 On 15 January, 2009, Claire said:
Zoe, you’re right to do what you’re doing. Either it will work, or it won’t, but you won’t know that until you try. I have thought of doing this every day for…I don’t know how long. A long time. I did it once; it lasted 2 weeks. I will probably do it again.
I’ll just ask one thing, if you’re still reading this…if it DOES work, please come back in 6 months or a year or however long, and tell us what it’s been like for you, and how it’s worked, and why, and how that’s changed your life. For our sakes.
Well here i am – is it 6 months yet Claire? Close to it.
It didnt really work – i mean it did to the extent that i was able to convince myself that i shouldn’t act on the thoughts because i’d made a conscious decision to ignore them – but it didnt make any difference to whether the thoughts occured or didnt – because they still kept coming.
Nothing has really changed for me – i’m still the same person with the same concerns, the only thing is maybe i know that i might be able to control them just a little bit – not stop them from coming but just able to decide on a case by case basis how i’m going to deal with them.
In the end though, i still want the same thing i’ve always wanted. Apparently ignorance is not bliss – just a temporary illusion.
Zoe! I have to admit, my heart leapt with excitement when I saw you’d made a comment. I missed you! Thank you for letting us know how things have been.
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1 On 14 January, 2009, Ada said:
Zoe, I share these sentiments every, single day! Yet here I am, on this site posting comment.
We each have to choose what is the better decision for us in our lives, because we can’t choose the *best*. I’m finding I make these decisions several times a day.
Good luck to you! I hope you can find some peace in setting this aside. And if you don’t, well, we’ll be here :)