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For me there are far too many things that could go wrong. I could just as likely end up tetraplegic or with a brain injury or dead as with paraplegia.

Also, I couldn’t do it to my husband, I love him and I know that he loves me. I know that he’d stand by me if a genuine incident occured but I’m not going to put him through it on purpose.

I’m at a fairly early point in all this though, I’ve been aware of these feelings since I was 12 (well that’s the first time I wrote about it in my diary but I know I was feeling BIID before that.) I’ve owned a wheelchair (nice bromakin one) for 4 years. So far it’s been enough to know I can sit in it in the house whenever I want, to wheel in the house and 4 times outside (spread over 3 years). I can feel it getting stronger but I’m trying to slow it’s progress as much as possible by not wheeling any more than I really feel I need to.

What stops me is simple: There is no “safe” and “guaranteed” way to get what I need, paraplegia at L1/L2. It is the only thing stopping me. Were there a way that I could be sure do get the paralysis I need without doing more extensive damage, or doing damage without paralysis, I’d do it.

In a way, those of us needing an amputation are in better place than we are, it’s relatively simple (albeit not easy) to get a limb off.

That’s exactly it. I don’t think you can say “we all know there are ways”. We don’t know any ways that will do what we want without risking a whole lot more than we bargained for.

I tried something once, it was a disaster. I have a partially paralyzed foot and nerve pain that nearly drove me insane until I finally went and came clean to my GP who put me on pain medication.

Zoe, you are not the slightest bit unpopular! Difficult questions stimulate interesting discussion.

It has taken me a LONG time to get to my current psychological state. I have every intention of making myself paraplegic through skiing this season. Most likely it’s not going to happen, but I am going to try. It will involve very aggressive skiing on very challenging terrain. It will be the kind of skiing wherein sometimes people die. I have discussed this with my partner. I will indeed refrain from doing things that seem more likely to result in death than paraplegia. My partner would be devastated by my death. But she knows that I am going to put myself in danger; she understands why. BIID is relentlessly driving me out of my mind. Perhaps I am being very selfish, but I HAVE to do this. My first ski day of the season is tomorrow.

Zoe, yes I am scared.

Thanks guys for your replies, and for confirming what i thought was going to be the answer.

Yes, there might be many things we can do that will get us close to our goal, but nothing that will guarantee that the end result will be what we hope it will be.

So yes, i might do something that might, if the outcome was a given, bring me closer to where i want to be, but it equally might bring me so far off from where i need to be, and in a position where there is no coming back from.

So yes, in answer to my own question, there are just too many unknowns.

Chloe, whilst i hope u acheive the outcome you desire, i hope that you do not take unnecessary risks in order to get to the end goal. Please try to be safe.

Luv,
Z