Blog > Thoughts > Other's Thoughts > Zoe's thoughts > Back to the point…
Back to the point…
Written by Zoe on Monday, June 30, 2008
I’ve deviated from my primary topic in my last couple of posts, but its time to get back on track.
Another one of my theories about where these feelings come from is that perhaps i am unable to be grateful for what i’ve got, i mean, if it seems to good to be try, it probably is. So have i created a need in my mind which grew into an obsession, which keeps me from being completely happy about my life…
I dont think so. Perhaps that would make sense if i’d always been happy with my life, but i haven’t always been this happy, and yet these feelings are always with me. And, if this theory held true, then surely these feelings wouldnt have been with me since my early teens (adolescence, when absolutely no-one is happy with who they are).
Then again, my BIID thoughts do tend to wax and wane. So, is there some connection between my state of mind and the strength of my BIID symptoms? Again, i dont think so. I am currently being treated for depression (again, another thing those unbeleivers are going to try to hang this on). But i havent always been depressed, over the past 2 years i’ve been through a very difficult time personally, having my infertility positively confirmed and being involved in a family business that went sour – its been a very stressful time. And far from abating when i was prescribed anti-depressants, my BIID feelings are stronger than ever now that i’ve been able to put some of that other stuff behind me. So whilst the feelings might wax and wane, the feelings always return, and usually stronger than before and i’m not as yet able to determine whether there is a definitive trigger.
The other thing that i’ve realised now that i’m coming out of the depression, is that its possible to worry too much about what other people will think. I’ve realised that i owe it to myself, to be who i’m meant to be, and not feel that i have to aplogise to anyone for those feelings. I’ve realised that you cant always make everyone happy, and that perhaps as long as i’m happy, then those around me will be happy too.
Having said that, i’m still not certain that there isnt another answer to my problem… But that’s an discussion for another time.
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