Blog > Thoughts > Other's Thoughts > Xavier's Thoughts > I am a Sith Lord
I am a Sith Lord
Written by Xavier on Thursday, January 12, 2012
Entire generations of people will suffer because of my presence on this planet. They will all voluntarily (or not) sacrifice their limbs to worship my altar. My lord, Darth BIID has commanded me to make it so. Darth Vader cut off the arm of his only son and my master will not be outdone. I will force all of my slaves to sacrifice the limbs of their firstborn to me. For every limb, the dark side grows more powerful.
[Note from Sean] - This is a satyrical piece and should be read with that in mind.
Right now, me and my fellow Sith are trying to recruit your precious little snowflakes into our armies. We will brainwash them into believing they want to chop their limbs off. We will have them cut of their limbs en masse in public places in terrifying displays of our power. And what lead me down this maniacal path?
I chose to use a wheelchair because it makes me feel better. Yes, the horror! Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Suffering leads to a wheelchair. Therefore, wheelchairs lead to the dark side!
“Know your wheelchair fiend. Your life may depend on it! You will not be able to see his eyes because of tea shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can’t find a victim to dismember.” – Fear and Loathing in Mos Eisley
Actually, I am playing Star Wars: The Old Republic. Great game, but that’s beside the point. The point of this satire is that people jump to some crazy conclusions about things they just don’t understand, like assuming we’re out to convince people to amputate limbs (or that we take pleasure in the suffering of people with disabilities). That we must be evil or possessed or crazy or whatever. We are NOT. If you read the posts on this site, we are in agreement, self injury is not the answer! We’re here trying to find ways to live happy, healthy lives by sharing our experiences. People with BIID are likely born with BIID (or somehow predisposed to it)… It’s bizarre and it’s rare, we’re not here using the jedi mind trick to influence anyone into being BIID, nor would that likely happen. It’s not a contagious disease, though it might have genetic factors. I wouldn’t wish this on my arch nemesis (Jar Jar Binks). Otherwise rational and intelligent people are willing to amputate/paralyze limbs because of this, what would drive you to do that? Ask yourself that, and that’s the kind of torture we live with.
Speaking of torture, the Dark Side calls.
– Darth Xavier
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12 Comments
@Chloe: I want you to destroy Mark and his benevolent people… they need to know the true power of the Sith. :)
@Chloe: Merciless killing and destruction will consume you from the inside and you will have an agonizing death. Join our side- we have donuts and cookies!
I pledge myself to Mark’s side….I like cookies. Unless Chloe has something better to offer….
These Jedi cookie mind tricks cut no ice with me. The Mark Side shall yield to the power of the Dark Side. Lord Xanthor’s rule commands that all those caught with their hand in the cookie jar shall lose both the hand and the cookie whether they like it or not.
[Note from Chloe] – This is not a satyrical comment and should be taken with the utmost gravity.
Argh! I blasphemed! I took the name of Gravity in vain and shall be condemned to live in an able body for all eternity…
HA! Chloe is made of stronger stuff! FETCH THE COMFY CHAIR! POKE HER WITH THE SOFT CUSHIONS!
But – but Chloe, they’re cookies! How can you resist the immense power of chocolate? :D
(I keep feeling like all this satire is going to invoke Stephen Colbert or something equally impossible. :P)
@Mark: It would be unwise to bring a pillow to a light saber duel… unless you want to end up a quadrupedal amputee.
@Shadow: You know all those prophecies about the world coming to an end in 2012? The Sith have been preparing for this day for centuries. Why do you think Colbert just announced he’s running for president? He’s one of my masters disciples… and has been subliminally brainwashing the youth for some time now. It will not be long now.
@Shadow: You forgot the donuts- Rich, chocolate frosted Entenmann’s donuts. Mmmmm….
@Xavier: But they’re nice soft fluffy cushions. Soft, absorbent, they muffle screams, absorb spilled coffee, and also absorb everything in the electromagnetic spectrum. HA! Your lightsaber will be as effective as a plastic spoon from a Chinese take-out restaurant against a Wildebeest.
Woe to you anyway- the Mayans are our allies- we have taken them to a planet in our 1,512th stellar system. They have agreed to our donut and cookie offer before they finished their calendar. You will be appearing on that Friday as all Chinese-manufactured PCs will go into blue screen general protection error, and nothing more…
Wait… Wait… You have chocolate? The unveiling of this new secret weapon changes the entire balance of power in the universe. The days of the Sith are numbered. No weapon can defy the power of the chocolate. I humbly offer my services to the Mark Side.
Umm… By the way… Hope you don’t mind me asking… Do you happen to have ice cream too?
Chloe, my favorite thing is to get one of those 1/2 gallon bricks of chocolate ice cream, cut a 3/4″ slab from the end, cover it with peanut butter, crumble a 5th Avenue (or Butterfinger) over that, and then drizzle chocolate syrup on top. Makes my moustache messy & sticky!
Did I ever mention that I’m diabetic? But for this, I ignore my glucose reading!
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1 On 12 January, 2012, Mark said:
That’s cruel and inhumane- such awful practices you perform. Your culture is oppressive and miserable
In our society, most of the males and some of the females undergo the “Ampu-Mitzvah” when they reach the age of accountability. We receive various amputations in order to fit into smaller spacecraft which are more manoeuverable in battle. Others chose the “Para-Mitzvah” and are trained to calculate orbital trajectories, interstellar routes, and flight path tracking.
After their tour of duty, those who have gone through “Ampu-Mitzvah” are fitted with tool-augmented prosthetics and are assigned manufacturing and maintenance jobs in the production of spacecraft and deep-space docking stations. After that, entry into public administration and society management are the usual course of action.
None of the rites of passage are compulsory, those who chose not to undergo them are free to enter the food production service or building and infrastructure construction trades.
Our society has thrived for more than 430,000 years and we have colonies in 28,592 stellar systems. We do •NOT• fear the Sith or their minions! We are a benevolent people- and this is our strength.
Now go wet your cornflakes with THAT!
( You •DO• know I’m kidding, right? )