Don’t worry, I’m not after injuring myself, but rather after finding a way out of the “trap” (=biid). I assume you’ve read my other post “Causes”. I have eventually understood how I got caught into the trap. But anyway, like most of us, sooner or later I get to a state where the only way out seems to try to realize the body modification out of despair, and not knowing if it would solve my problem. Actually, when I’m not in despair, I can see clearly that becoming disabled wouldn’t solve anything for me. But I have never managed to remain in that state for long.

>I wish i knew the answer for all of us…

So do I! I hope every one of us can find his/her way out of this nightmare. And what we are doing here, sharing, is certainly an excellent thing. This site really is a source of hope and human warmth to me. I connect in the morning when I get up, I connect in the evening when I return home… I must be turning into an internet freak :)

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I look forward to seeing your future posts.

You have hit the nail on the head so much for me - i could only repeat the points you have already made by commenting further.

The only thing i can say, is that I beleive that you can find the support you need here - with others who understand.

I’m not suggesting that you will find the support to self harm, but at least that you will find the support you need to accept your feelings.

I wish i knew the answer for all of us, i wish i knew how to make it better, but as long as we try to find the way together, i really beleive that we will find something that works in the long run.

With Love,
Z

Chloe, you’re right about the multilayer thing. I have always thought there was more to my “funny” desire than what it appeared to be at first sight and I’ve tried hard to dig it in. More about this in an upcoming post.

What suddenly got to me was the typing. I have always used only my right hand for typing. Several people have commented on this over the years, and I’ve always explained that it’s just the way I type.

When I was a kid, left alone in the house for the day, mostly I would pretend that there was something wrong with my legs. However, I would not infrequently make a fist with my left hand (always the left) and bandage it tight for the day to simulate amputation.

It’s hard for me to figure this out. I don’t actually have any desire for my hand to be amputated. However, neither does the thought upset me. Is it possible to have two BIIDs at once? One severe (paraplegia in my case) and one that does not take up much brain space.

A complicating factor is that my left arm has been in constant pain from fibromyalgia for the last two decades. This gives me another motivation for only using my right arm and hand whenever possible.

Thanks for giving so much food for thought, Tom!

Thank you for sharing this!