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Accidentally On Purpose
Written by Sylvie on Friday, June 25, 2010
Nearly three months ago, I had a bad spill off my bike. I was at a corner and the situation was such that I could not go backward or forward. I could only choose which way to fall.
I chose to fall on my left side.
Ignoring my injuries because I gave into the momentary insanity of a jock mentality, I went on to ride ten more miles that day. It was a big mistake. I was bruised and battered and I tried to scoff off the pain. ("You’re such a big hypochondriac!" I told myself.)
A month later, I was getting ready for a Big Ride. In fact, I was on my way to it and I realized there was no way I was going to be able to finish the ride. I came home, changed clothes, and went to the doctor.
Xrays were taken. A physician’s assistant didn’t even bring them in for me to look at. "Looks like you bruised your hip and oh yeah, there are some ruptured disks. T-12, L-1. Oh, and L-5, looks like."
I was astounded. I almost blurted out, "But how did you know that was what I – "
My hip and back still hurt. My doctor prescribed an MRI. I still haven’t gotten one because they cost between $500 – $1600 and my medical insurance won’t reimburse me for it.
I read up a little on why my hip hurts, researched a couple of different things.
One thing I came across was the suggestion for rest. This is not so easy for me to do. I have responsibilities at home and no one but me to see to them. Besides, I thought, how do you rest a hip?
I have a long commute to work. Usually by the time I get there, I’ve been sitting in the same position for nearly an hour and a half. Getting out of the car is slow and painful.
This morning, I looked at the back seat of my car and saw a pair of crutches. Perfect, I thought.
I still have my temporary disability tag from last year’s accident to my left leg. It’s beat up, so I just folded the expiration date and parked in one of the company’s many, many, many disability spaces. I was taking a spot from no one and I also knew that there was no way I was going to be able to walk from the third floor of the parking deck, down the stairs (no lift in the parking deck), and across the green to my building.
I picked up my crutch and off I went to work.
During the day, a couple of my co-workers asked what had happened. "Bike accident," I said. One came into the office I share, to talk to my office mate, and she started playing with my crutch. "Oh, this is so funny," she said in a little girl voice that meant "this is so weird". For some reason, it bothered me that she started playing with the crutch. Would I go into her cubicle and start playing with, say, her hand bag? Or her shoes?
It wasn’t until I got home tonight that I realized using a crutch at work because of an accident will have to be a constant thing for at least the next month.
Did I pick up the crutch this morning, knowing that in the back of my mind? Was it an accident or was it on purpose?
Tags: Accident, Crutch, Wheelchair
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4 Comments
2 On 25 June, 2010, Sophie said:
I tend to worry we’re over sensitive to physical problems because we’re transabled.
@Sophie: What you say rings true with regard to my own introspection. I put it by Alicia, and she concurred that I am this way. It does not go so far as hypochondiasis, and we both agreed it is not a matter to merit any concern. It is a question of heightened awareness, which in of itself is neither good nor bad.
An example from a few days ago is that I was wiping my glasses with a handkerchief, which was hanging down to accidentally tickle the inside of my left thigh. The ticking sensation was translocated up to my hip though. Clearly it is something entirely trivial that I might not have paid the slightest attention to had it not been for BIID. It caught my interest though because it is the first time I have come across a sensory translocation going up instead of down. It seems this would be completely irrelevant to me without BIID.
4 On 27 June, 2010, Sophie said:
I tend to talk about issues but never do anything about it. Friends and family often have to drag me to the doctors “kicking and screaming” to get me to sort things.
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1 On 25 June, 2010, Chloe said:
It seems to me that your injuries are permanent. It seems to me that you may need to use a crutch for the forseeable future. It seems to me that your back pain will require that you use a wheelchair; again, for the forseeable future. It worked for me anyway.
I tend to think that accidents are the universe’s way of showing you what is supposed to happen. It is interesting that quite a few of us have accidentally hurt our legs and/or backs. There are rational explanations for this. I’m not necessarily implying a deep mysticism here.