transabled.org

my house pays $60 per month for 20g of data (uploads and downloads) on a copper phone line :(

20Gb seams like a ton of data…but then once I think about my own usage and try to think about multiplying it by a house hold of people, I guess it does seam kinda of limited.

Considering that in my life I rarely ever never remember my dreams, that when I actually do, it’s usually an totally powerful amazing dream. Most of those nights I wake up and just have to write them down as best I can remember them. Usually they are pritty powerful and meaningful dreams. Makes me wish I could remember my dreams more often.

Most of my stories, which I still write by the way, are all fictional cooked up in my mind by day dreaming or by just letting my thoughts flow as if they were a movie. Writting has always been an art for me, and the world of fiction has always been as warm as a cabin in the mountains with a nice wood stove. I rarely ever do anything with my stories anymore, I write them and I greatly enjoy that. I might share them with a friend or two, but as for posting them anywhere, i kind of stopped that for a time, too many people just wern’t intrested and I just couldn’t handle the critics of harsh judgement rather than people enjoying the story.

-Wheelman

“some pretty horrifying stuff like beatings, attacks, and sometimes even rape. How that stuff gets into my head…I don’t know, and frankly I don’t wanna know why, who would? I do all my best thinking at night and I’ve had a lot of stuff go through my head that I would never write down and show you guys, the content would embarrass me too much. I sit there in bed and think to myself “girl, why would you even try to think this stuff up? You’re sick!”

I don’t think any of those situations are sick, Sophia. Yes, it’s different and unusual. Now that I think about it (I have had the same thoughts a few times in the past), the interpretation I have is of self-worth. If we are in bad interpersonal relationships (friends, family), do we view ourselves as being a rape victim or worse? Do we feel we deserve to be in that position, that we are not good enough? If we are in a giving, caring, and loving relationships with many people, do we still have those dark fantasies, or will our internal perspectives change? When we feel loved and needed, we begin to feel better about ourselves. It’s something to think about.

You are not alone in thinking about those things. Sometimes the thoughts are exciting, while other times I think, “I should not be thinking this way.” I have had thoughts of rape, being chained down, handcuffed, beaten, gagged, (other things may be shocking to some people…).

Well, I’m glad I’m not alone in having such thoughts. I frequently think about being raped, murdered and, especially, tortured. My psychotherapist has commented that I have a deeply masochistic personality (in a general sense, rather than limited to sexuality).

I’ve been explicit with Sean about some of this stuff, and he thought some people might find it a bit disturbing to read about on this site.

When I was severely depressed (ie hospitalised), I used to have dreams in which I was emotionally abusive to loved ones and physically abusive too. Then I’d wake up and feel that I had acted this out in reality because the feelings and memories of the dream were so intense. Not a good place to be.
The more disturbed we are the more terrifying and often unacceptable our subconscious thoguths and fears tend to become. So Sophie don’t beat yourself up about this – it’s probably because these things feel unacceptable to you that you dwell on them more, like trying not to think about pink elephants.

I had the wierdest dream last night. I dreamed I was a character in a Thomas Hardy novel (probably Jude the Obscure). I was some kind of urchin hanging about Oxford colleges in the 19th century suffering all kinds of Dickensian horrors from college scouts and others,and trying to scrape a living.
Very odd indeed. And very long. Actually it was more like a Dickens novel now I come to think of it, albeit set in Oxford not London. I have had other similar ‘historic’ dreams set in London too. I have absolutely no idea what they signify, if anything. But If I could catch them accurately I’m certain there’d be at least one Oscar winning film in there, they are so realistic.

I don’t think about that stuff at night like you do, Sophie, but I do think about stuff like that (sorta)…
It’s weird. Like, whenever I pick up a sharp knife (which is quite often since it’s my job to unload the dishwasher) I think about how I could stab myself with it (either in the heart or the back) and how I could stab my mom or my dog if they are near me, and then I freak out and put it down as quickly as possible.
Also, when I see a car passing while I’m waiting to cross the street, I’ll just think “I could jump in front of this car, right now” and then not do it.
…Anyone else do that?

@Tora. Whenever I pick up any kind of chopper or saw, it is impossible for me not to think of cutting off my left hand… I read what I write, and I can’t help but think I must be a bit nuts ;)

Regarding cars: I used to walk between the bumpers of two idling cars on the offchance that somebody’s foot will slip and my legs will get crushed.

Hey Sophie for what it matters, these aren’t all that rare, it’s just people don’t talk about them. My ex used to have a lot of feelings like this and it tore her up inside. Keep your chin up, and know you are not alone, not by a long shot.

Sophie, thank you for your story “Beaten” on ahiruzone. You had me gripped with every word. You are absolutely not alone in thinking of such things. You expressed it far more creatively than I could have though.

Thank you Chloe, I was rather hesitant to post that story and the lack of feedback on it had me worried as to whether posting it was the right choice.

My Dad reckons part of the reason why my mind is so active at night time (I didn’t tell him what I think of) is because if I don’t keep my mind challenged enough mentally it starts wandering off to think of things on it’s own. I know I’m not the only person who thinks of such things, and it’s good to know I’m not alone, but I think the logical part of me still struggles to see such thoughts as anything better than sick and wrong. I try to lean myself towards the “your not alone” side of the argument than the self hatred side but we all know that doesn’t always work.

well…I know this sounds completely false, but medically it has been proven that our minds are actually much more active at night than any other time of the day which is why we have such vivid dreams at night when we sleep and why some find it hard to sleep at night.

Thank you Lane, I don’t think it’s an OCD problem. I think it’s more the frustration of my current situation and not being able to act on my transabledness (pretending etc) leaking out other holes in my mind.

@sophie
rape aund other such phantasies are not unnormal, in the 70s (?) there was a book Nancy Friday, Mý secret garden, about sexual fantasies, there was a lot of these in there.

Hi Sophie and All,

this is an important issue which you have brought up. Thanks!

Normally I think (and feel it even in my body) that I just desire to have two thigh stumps.

But then I have read quite a few stories (fantasies) about people who become multiple amputees, and I found them more than interesting, I found them hot.

This disturbed me. If I really only need one defined form of my body – why do I get off on such extreme stories? (For example, I once read one about a man who had been amputated all four limbs, blinded and made deaf, and it was horrifying and at the same time arousing and hot, fascinating.) Is it like a pot on the oven which boils over or foams over, because the pressure has become too big? Or is it more, is there a “masochist” tendency, a tendency to desire being punished, crippled, raped? A friend of mine used the word “Angstlust” in German, which I think can be understood also in English, can’t it?

I still have no answer to this question.

But when it’s about what we think all day, it is worth simply watching how these thoughts come up, link to each other, vanish again, this “stream of consciousness”.

Normally I would only post the URL here, but the text change every week, so I hope it’s okay if I post a longer text which I find helpful:

“Enjoying the Mind

Step 1: Let the Mind Do Its Thing
Don’t try to stop [the mind]. It is very natural to you; you will go crazy if you try to stop it.

It will be like a tree trying to stop its leaves; the tree will go mad.

The leaves are very natural to it. You are a mind person. If you try to become a heart person you will create so much trouble for yourself, and unnecessarily, because there is a way which goes from the mind itself. There is no need to change yourself into a heart person. That will be against your intrinsic nature.

To be utterly in tune with your nature, to follow your nature, always listen. To be natural is to be religious, and to be utterly in tune with your nature is all that is needed. So the first thing: don’t try to stop your thinking; it’s perfectly good.

Step 2: Enjoy the Mind Doing Its Thing!
Just not stopping [the mind] will not be enough — enjoy it. Play with it! It is a beautiful game. Playing with it, enjoying it, welcoming it, you will start becoming more alert about it, more aware of it.

Start enjoying the thought process. Just see the nuances of thoughts: how they run together, how one thing leads to another, how they get hooked with each other. It is really a miracle to watch. Just a small thought can take you to the farthest end, and if you look you don’t see any connection.

A dog starts barking and your thought process is triggered. The dog is forgotten; you remember a friend who had a beautiful dog. Now you are off! Then the friend is forgotten; you remember the friend’s wife who is beautiful, and so you go on, and then other women.… Where you will end, nobody knows; and it all started with a dog barking! Just watch and see the association of thought — how thoughts are linked, chained together.

Go on easily, take it easy. Awareness will come to you but it will come indirectly. It will not be an effort to become aware. [Directed to those who want to learn to meditate:] That’s what you have been doing: you are trying to become aware. Then the mind distracts you and you become angry at it. You feel that this is an ugly mind and it is constantly chattering; you want to be silent and it doesn’t allow you. So you start feeling inimical towards the mind. That’s not good; that is dividing yourself into two. Then you and the mind become two and conflict and friction starts.

All friction is suicidal because it is your energy being wasted unnecessarily. We don’t have that much energy to waste in fighting with ourselves. The same energy has to be used in joy.

To fight is to destroy yourself. There is no need to fight — love! All fighting energy has to be transformed into love energy. Just enjoy it, and soon things will start changing.”

(Osho: Don’t Bite My Finger, Look Where I’m Pointing, #20″, source: http://www.osho.com/Main.cfm?Area=Meditation&Language=English)

You don’t have to like Osho or believe him. I just have found that he knows a few very good paths.

Best wishes (and sorry for the overllong posting)
Phil

Just to clarify: I did not find Sophie’s story sexually arousing. Identifying with the protagonist appealed to my deep masochism, but not in a sexual way.

Hi Chloe,

do you think that your BIID could have to do with this “masochism” you also feel?

Greetings from Germany
Phil

Hi Phil,

Last year my psychotherapist made the observation “You have a deeply masochistic personality”. I hadn’t thought of things in exactly that way before, but I certainly couldn’t deny it. We went on to explore possible connections with BIID.

Yes, there are connections. I think it might have to do with my desire to experience the accident, experience the pain, physical and emotional, that goes along with becoming paraplegic. However, I don’t believe there is a causal relationship with the need for paraplegia itself. The BIID exists independently.

Moreover, for example, there is nothing remotely masochistic about my wearing a leg brace to work. To the contrary, it feels completely comfortable and natural; no elements of physical or emotional pain associated with it.

I don’t mean to imply that I have all these things figured out for myself; far from it. But I do think it’s worthwhile to make the attempt.

Good luck
~ Chloe