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Watch My Hands
Written by Sophie on Thursday, April 23, 2009
I would have written this last night, but I’m not sure I was in the right frame of mind to do so. I was feeling rather happy (as in not depressed, when Mum wasn’t in the room). We’d gone out to KFC for tea. To be honest as a Coeliac those places are all the same to me cuz all I can order is chips, a drink, and if I’m "really lucky" rabbit food.
Most people choose between KFC, Burger King and McDonalds because of their variety of burgers etc but to me they are all the same. Anyway, I was in a bit of a foul mood that my family had dragged me to KFC, the worst fast food outlet in my town, they were closed down at one point by the health inspectors and although they’re replaced all their equipment and given it a spruce up the general quality of the chips and drink aren’t that great. My younger brother and I spent half an hour standing at the end of the counter waiting to complain about our Mountain Dew (water) we’d been served.
My brothers and I had gone into town in a seperate car and we stopped via the liquor store on the way home, my brothers words "Woot Beer!" I normally never drink, I don’t like the thought of losing control and blurting out one of my many secrets. My little brother bought me a 4 pack of vodka and lemon (lolly water, I know) and I spent the next 3 hours or so in my bedroom drinking them. I didn’t get drunk, and I don’t think I got tipsy, but I did feel happy.
Later on that night before going to bed I was in the toilet and I suddenly thought to look at my hands. You see alcohol helps with familial tremors (although not recommended as it is "addictive" LOL!!!). My hands hadn’t stopped shaking completely but they were a lot more steady than they’d been in a long long time. I would have felt confident even to carry a cup of coffee or something. It got me thinking to compare it to BIID. We have various methods of managing our BIID. Some methods are more destructive than others but they all do even a small bit of harm. The problem never goes away, but the brief moment where it feels like it has makes it all feel worth it. We are lucky we aren’t delusional or out of control. I’m not gonna start drinking heavily just to stop my hands from shaking, and I know most of us aren’t going to try jumping off a cliff to make ourselves disabled… Well Chloe maybe, but she already knows we worry about her. You know I care about ya ;)
Am I making any sense?
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3 Comments
That’s an interesting analogy, Sophie. Everything we do to fix anything causes some kind of harm. I love those TV ads for pharmaceuticals where at the end somebody says very fast “Side effects may include convulsions, blindness, vomiting, anal leakage, blah blah blah”.
It’s very risky to be alive.
“It’s very risky to be alive”
… and life is a messy business more often than not, but we don’t have a choice. Wanting to do no harm is a good thing, but one also has to protect oneself from the harm the others can do.
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1 On 23 April, 2009, Suzanne said:
Yep you are making sense.
Did you know that Mcdonalds fries acutly have gluten in them?
I found that out the hard way.
Our KFC here had the same problem of been shut down for a time.