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Visiting the Nurse
Written by Sophie on Sunday, July 19, 2009
I had an appointment today with my GP’s nurse to enroll on a program to subsidise my doctors visits even more. To be elegible I had to have two or more problems and visit a doctor at least every three months… I qualified, yay :)
It was quite nice talking to her, she asked me about all the different appointments and referrals the GP had made for me over the last year or so and we ended up having a conversation over how most of that stuff wasn’t really of any help right now because of the destructive relationship I have with my Mother. She loves me and cares about me… But she’s ultimately doing more damage than good. The nurse didn’t give me her direct opinion on BIID but she agreed with my statement that no one can ever lose weight if they aren’t happy with their body, like it or not BIID has a big effect on my body image and my ability to lose weight. She told me she thought I was doing the right thing biding my time waiting til I can move out again and live life how I want to, she was completely amazed that I’ve managed to live under so much pressure so far.
It was really nice to have a fresh perspective give me validation that I’m not the worst daughter in the world. She seemed really happy with the fact that my parents aren’t the ones controlling my money and that my step uncle is capable of acting like a neutral third party with my money so it can be sorted faster. Oh and she also told me not to worry about when I sleep, that I should just treat my own hours as my own hours, my morning is when I wake up, my night time is when I go to bed.
Sorry this post seems a bit disjointed, I didn’t write it down right away when I got home and it isn’t fresh in my mind anymore.
Tags: BIID, Body Image, Doctor, Nurse
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5 Comments
2 On 19 July, 2009, Sophie said:
When I told one of my best friends about BIID once I told her “I am excited to wheel much much further than I was ever forced to walk when I am in my wheelchair” and that just blew her away as to how much of a positive thing my wheelchair was for me because she knew I’m not a physical person (I walked every year I was forced to do cross country as a form of protest).
I have no idea how I manage to live under the pressure, thinking about my situation makes me cry sometimes when I think about what I have lived with over the last two years.
I do have negative thoughts in association with my weight and a lot of that comes from my Mother offloading a lot of her mental/emotional problems onto me. I thought I was fat when I was eleven and if I’d known better I may not be as big as I am today.
BTW, I found my wheelchair in the shed today and it’s close to the door. Bitter-sweet news as there’s nothing I can do about this knowledge atm.
3 On 21 July, 2009, Phil said:
Sophie,
you might haven’t noticed, but you are strong; otherwise you would already have had a total breakdown. Just don’t try to ask yourself for too much in too short time.
Weight problem? So what? You might just need some extra armor around your heart because you are in danger of being hurt too much.
We all need to learn to find out what does us good and how to listen to our most inner self. That’s a process that never ends.
You’re on the way. Be nice to yourself, otherways you won’t hear your heart speaking. It’s easily scared.
When your mother tries to load things on your shoulders, can you think of ways to
(a) hinder her
(b) step aside so that her crap simply falls down on the earth
(c) unload yourself after a while?
Best wishes
@Phil “need some extra armor around your heart” - that’s very clever and sweet of you to say. We are all under assault from bad feelings thrust upon us during our lives, and we all seek shelter in one way or other. I know Sophie is doing very well with what she has to work with.
Oh yes - I know a lot more than I would wish about ‘extra armour’, Sophie. You are not alone in your struggle. Excess weight is inextricably linked with emotional turmoil and the longer that turmoil has been there the harder it is to shed your defensive armour. Don’t listen to the glib criticism of those who don’t understand - they have absolutely no idea.
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1 On 19 July, 2009, Chloe said:
I also am amazed that you manage to live under that pressure.
I do think that the connection between BIID and body weight is very interesting. BIID impacts us in all sorts of ways. It reminds me of some of my transsexual friends who have not really cared about their appearance until after they have transitioned to a gender presentation which matches their real gender.
Please don’t interpret that to mean that I view being overweight in a negative light. I don’t; not at all. However, you imply that you have negative feelings about yourself on that account. It makes perfect sense to me that it will be much easier for you align your body with the way you want it to be after you become a full time wheelchair user again.