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So…What Are Your Goals?
Written by Sophie on Friday, April 30, 2010
I can honestly and happily say at this point that I have no goals beyond living an emotionally and spiritually stable life. There are so many bad habits, so many thoughts, so many things I have to work on changing (and allowing God to change) for the better that my life is pretty full right now.
I’m doing OK. My bedroom has been clean and tidy for over a week, what does that say about me? Some of you noticed a while ago on Twitter that I clean my room when I want to make a positive change in my life but up until now I’ve never made any efforts to keep it clean afterwards. I guess the state of my bedroom is a metaphor for my state of mind. I’ve also been doing my quiet time every night (Bible study, Prayer and Meditation) and I’ve never done that on a daily basis before now. It’s been good. Dad gave me a copy of Every Day With Jesus that talks about the Holy Spirit as a counsellor, teacher, comforter and it’s been good learning to lean on Him when I go through hard times. One interesting thing that’s come from it that’s stuck with me is that "God loves me for who I am, but he loves me enough not to let me stay that way". You could take that in many different ways and apply it to so many parts of your life but said to me (among other things) that God loves me enough not to leave me in the pain and anguish of BIID.
I’ve also started participating in the music team at my church every Sunday. That involves practice on Fridays as well. It’s been really good. I’ve been told one of my gifts is singing and I’d be inclined to agree because when I sing it makes me feel better as well as making others feel better. Singing was one of the few things I clung onto when I was going through dark times. I’ve been learning that although God gives us gifts at a young age, he often doesn’t ask us to use them until we’ve matured in life and in spirit…and I think I’ve matured a heck of a lot in life!
One thing my friends have noted is that I’m quite harsh on myself and I still have quite a bit of fear in my life, fear of being vulnerable again like I was when I was hurt. The lady (We’ll call her Gwen, I promised Lane that) had spent time helping me with job applications last week and she went home and told her husband "That Sophie is a bright cookie, she just needs encouragement to get it out". Sean often complains of the same issue, he says I’m more honest with him than I am with myself. He often has to ask me questions to get me to talk about things. I’ve thought about that and at this point I can only put it down to a lack of courage, the whole fear thing, and the idea that if I’m harsh on myself then others don’t need to be harsh about me. I know that’s a bit bizarre and it shows my "slight" lack of self esteem but it’s much easier and less painful for me to point out my shortcomings than to have others point them out. I’m trying to change that though, I’ve had prayer and I know God has healed me, but at the moment it’s a case of changing a lifetime of habits to match what’s happened to my spirit. On further reflection Chloe yes I know it sounds a bit like the way you were talking to yourself when you went hiking before I pointed it out… I feel so hypocritical now. And yeah some of my friends here tell me I’m incredibly open about what I go through here at TA.org but it’s easy to write to a website. Writing is a relief to me and I know in my heart that what I say here isn’t going to have any bad impact on my life outside the internet.
So I’ll just carry on having my quiet times, going to church, singing, keeping my room clean and I’ll see where that takes me. I know God has more in store for me but he isn’t going to lay it on me before I’m ready emotionally for it. I’ve come such a long way in the space of two weeks and although those daily actions seem small on their own it adds up to one heck of an inward change in me. I’ve told my parents I’m fine right now and asked them to give me space to work through things, Mum’s been…well Mum, Dad’s been really excited that I’m back at church and singing again. Gwen pointed out that with me going through such a big change of making myself open and vulnerable again I don’t need any added pressure. It is entirely possible that focussing on something as good as God’s love for me is helping to keep the BIID monster at bay.
Tags: "self esteem", BIID, Church, Confidence, Gifts, God, Prayer, Self-Image, Singing, Spirit
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7 Comments
Sophie your a wonderful person, even if you are hard on yourself.
I can be very hypocritical myself. One part about that which is what i’m hypocrical of the most – I’m a self injurer. I have been SIing since I was 6. And even so – I constantly tell my friends that they shouldnt do it. I tell them they shouldn’t think about Suicide even though its on my mind constantly. I tell them they should accept themselves even though I refuse to accept myself.
I’m very glad you have a strong faith in God. I’m -just- returning to my faith … I had a falling out period when I was 15. I turned to Satanism. I was very strong in my beliefs of Enki. I still would rather call him Enki than Satan as well.
I went as far as to sign a pact of dedication – signing it in my own blood.
Because of this, I dont feel like God can ever forgive me. Everyone constantly reassures me – he WILL forgive me. But how can he? I turned my back on him – Essentially signed away my life in blood. How can he honestly forgive me?
I am starting to feel what I am guessing his presence though. Its very heartwarming … I mean – I’ll feel really depressed and discouraged because of my past actions, and start thinking “How can you honestly forgive me Yaweh? After everything I’ve done!” And then I’ll just get this really chilling feeling – like .. A cold spot around me. And I’ll just feel relieved – secure. I dont know if this is God, or an angel reassuring me – but its very comforting.
*Hugs* All I can really say at this point is I have a long ways to go. Luckily – I have friend helping me (And kicking me haha. Godith <33) Every step of the way.
3 On 30 April, 2010, Sophie said:
Thanks Chloe, I’m glad that I’m of some help to others. It’s always hard when we go through dark times but God can always make something beautiful out of something yukky, even if we don’t see the good in it, it’s a bit hard to when your in the thick of things. I’ve received so much encouragement from my church family I know I’m finally headed in the right direction this time.
4 On 30 April, 2010, Sophie said:
Chloe check your email :)
5 On 30 April, 2010, Sophie said:
Rhayven the bible says the only unforgivable sin is Blaspheming the Holy Spirit and from what I’ve been taught that means completely and utterly denying his existence. God knew we couldn’t be good little children if left to our own devices and he loves you no matter what you’ve done in your life. He’s still waiting for you to come back to him with open arms.
6 On 30 April, 2010, Sophie said:
Rhayven, also remember Paul used to be called Saul. He was an enemy to Jesus and the church’s biggest fear before God forgave him and turned him into a force for God. God can see in you the potential of who you can become and he loves you enough not to let you stay where you are right now.
^^ Thanks Sophie.
Well – I’ve never denied his existence. Even when strongest in my Faith of Satanism – I never honestly denied his existence ..
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1 On 30 April, 2010, Chloe said:
Sophie, I don’t see anything hypocritical in you. It’s okay to give pep talks to both yourself and others, even if one can’t live up to it all the time. The reality is that your efforts to haul yourself out of a bad place have had a substantial positive impact on my own efforts to do the same, and I am very grateful for it. I see some analogy between our trajectories over the last year.
I would LOVE to hear you sing!