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Psycho Visit #2
Written by Sophie on Thursday, February 12, 2009
I had another appointment today with my Psychologist. I think today was really just an overview of things now that we’d gotten the initial emotional introductions and explanations out of the way.
He confirmed the fact that he’d made an appointment for me with the psychiatrist to decide what cocktail of drugs I should be tried on, that appointment is in April. That’s going to be fun!
We talked about how full time pretending helped me. He asked if I noticed any loss in muscle tone while I was pretending full time and I pointed out to him that my body wouldn’t allow me to simply not move my legs for six months, and my flat wasn’t accessible so in private I had to bear weight on my legs to do things like get into the bathroom. I told him that pretending full time wasn’t the solution to my problems, but it helped me to think more clearly about things. It also helped me to be a better part of society taking part in festivals, going to the library, talking to friends, simply because it helped that I was portraying the body image I feel inside me.
He also asked today about where my BIID could have come from. I told him what we’d already been mulling over here, that BIID isn’t really a learned behaviour as I had had no exposure to wheelchair users and that my hopes to see people with SCIs on TV was merely me hoping I would see someone that I could associate with. I was honest with him and said I couldn’t imagine living any other way and although it would be nice to not be transabled I have had to learn to accept the fact that my mind is the way it is. Growing up in a christian home made this journey a little harder but I eventually came to the conclusion that God made me who I am and he loves me regardless. It doesn’t necessarily means he doesn’t want me to change, but it also means I’ve come to a place where I can better accept the fact that I need to be a paraplegic without feeling like some evil demonic thing.
He was interested to know about the BIID conference in Germany and asked me to email him the link we were all sent on the Yahoo groups. I’ll be sending it to him in a second. He also asked me to write down how he could find the BBC video with Dr Smith etc in it. Both of us are interested in how the conference turns out and I think he’s particularly interested in it to try and read a new approach to helping me.
He then went on to talk about steps forward we could take. He’d mentioned it at the last appointment but he spent a little more time talking about the fact that he was considering Eye Movement Desensitization and Reproducing therapy (EMDR). As far as I can tell at the moment the point of it is to try and reprogram your mind to accept a one thing as a better thing than what your thinking about at the moment. It’s typically used for people involved in trauma but he’s thinking we could try it in the hopes that it would help me live with the fact that I’m not a paraplegic. He needs to talk to other people in the Mental Health department before going ahead with any of it (it’s still experimental). We would have to each sign an agreement for it. He wants me to research it myself and I’ve already started but I thought it would help if we could discuss it here. What are you guys thoughts on this? He told me that he would respect my decision if I ultimately decided this wasn’t the right step forward for me but I want to make sure I make an informed decision.
For some reason this morning I didn’t want to go to the appointment. I’m feeling a lot more optimistic about it now that I’ve had the appointment. I’m starting to see the open-mindedness you guys saw now.
Tags: BIID, EMDR, Mental Health, Paraplegic, Psychologist
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6 Comments
I’m glad you’re finding sympathetic help and wish you well in trying the treatment.
Have you told him that you have found people with experiences very much like yours here?
Sophie, I know you’re trying hard to address these issues. At the same time, you do realize, don’t you, that you’re subjecting yourself to someone who is trying to fundamentally change who you are and is not working on helping you cope. I am wary of this because it sounds experimental and because it also sounds like previous results have been no more helpful than cognitive therapy. It also deals with a specific trauma instead of a day to day burden.
Keep your mind open but keep your eyes open, too.
I think it is a good idea to try it and a ray of hope anyway. Anyone of us changes during his life, until the day of your death you do not stop changing. It is normal and it is part of your life. we are meant to learn and to change. And if a bit of change is the price for getting some relief of this day to day burden, I would be only too willing to pay it.
5 On 13 February, 2009, Claire said:
I had the same thought as Becs. But I refrained from saying it because I realized that in the end, Katie is probably right.
Personally I find myself somewhat resistant to change. If curing me of BIID means I have to give up wheeling…that’s a really difficult thing to contemplate. The whole idea makes me very uncomfortable. And yet, if it were possible, I’d have to go for it, wouldn’t I?
I asked a psychotherapist friend about the EMDR idea. She thought it was possible that some cases of BIID may be linked with a traumatic event, in which case this might be helpful. Indeed some of us have expressed the thought that our BIID may be linked to a traumatic event(s). I don’t recall you saying such a thing, Sophie, in which case my friend thought it would be clutching at straws. It’s not likely to do you harm though.
BIID becomes so much a part of one’s personality that it’s hard to imagine exactly what a cure would mean.
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1 On 12 February, 2009, Claire said:
I think it’s worth trying these new treatments. If nothing else, it shows that we’re willing to keep trying new therapies. It’s really important to keep showing your willingness to work at it. And who knows, maybe it will work? And if it doesn’t work, then that’s one more thing to chalk up to the list that didn’t work, which is also important information