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It’s Been a While…
Written by Sophie on Saturday, January 17, 2009
I was chatting with Ada last night through emails and I realised it’s been over a year (maybe two, I didn’t bother to record an exact date) since I’ve seen, let alone used, my wheelchair. As Ada said…"Yikes!" That’s a long time! I think although I’ve grown and matured a lot as a person since then I’m still in the same emotional state now as I was then.
Thinking about it I know I’ve learned a lot since then. I know I’ve learned to make better finacial decisions and I’ve been patient in waiting for my debts to be paid off without racking up new ones. Having my step-uncle appropriate my financial details has definately helped (although I’d never have admitted it) as I’ve had to learn to justify all my financial spendings to him. Hopefully one day when I move out and can take care of myself again I will follow the same practise justifying money decisions to myself.
Anyway, it’s been ages since I’ve been in a wheelchair. I’m trying my best to "sit on my hands" so to speak while I wait to hear from the hospital about my referral but my mind can’t help but think about the possibilities of what could happen. I know nothing significant probably will happen but I still hope that my life will improve from this. I need something to change, I’m finding it harder emotionally each day to get up and live the lie. I can’t do anything but wait for change, a further test of my patience.
On a slightly different tangent… Wheelchair encounters IRL. What do I do with them? I saw a lady in a wheelchair today while I was waiting for my little brother to have his haircut. I honestly didn’t know what to do. I think us transabled people have it harder than normal people because I’m constantly thinking "I don’t want to act weird around her, am I acting weird around her? Has she heard about devotees? Is she going to mistake me for a devotee for glancing at her wheelchair like that several times? Am I looking too much? Am I trying not too look too hard? Geez if I were in my wheelchair I wouldn’t be having this problem now would I!" And so the mental argument goes on. I’m so glad I don’t see people in wheelchairs very much or I’d be an emotional mess every day.
Tags: BIID, Wheelchair
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4 Comments
Hi Sophie,
allow yourself to look at wheelchair users. Don’t ask yourself if somebody notices that you look. Allow yourself all of your feelings.
That will make it easier.
Then you can try to step back a bit and relax. But if you forbid yourself to feel what you feel and to see what you see, you won’t be able to get some distance, you will be fixed to it. At least that’s my experience.
I totally know what you mean about being nervous around people in wheelchairs when you’re not… I have to deal with that every day at school because there’s a senior that was in a car accident and is now paraplegic… Hearing about her was actually what caused me to find this site (I couldn’t get it out of my head, so I went to see if there was anyone else that felt like that… And there was!). Anyway, but our schedules make sure that our paths cross at least once a day. Fortunately, it’s the time I’m almost always with my girlfriend, so she squeezes my hand and distracts me.
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1 On 17 January, 2009, Chloe said:
Your fortitude and resilience is amazing, Sophie. It makes me wonder how long I could stand to be without a wheelchair now. Things do indeed change eventually, no matter what.
My last wheelchair encounter was at the ski resort cafeteria. I had got up to go to the restroom, and walked right by the guy in his Quickie GPV on the way there and back. I had noticed that his tires were super heavy duty all terrain kind, which presumably helped him a lot in getting up the snow covered hill to the ski racks (he was alone). I SO wanted to ask him about the tires, but I couldn’t really think of a reasonable excuse to talk with him without it looking weird. Of course if I’d been in my wheelchair I would have wheeled right up to him and started comparing notes about our tires. Not being in a wheelchair is such a social barrier!