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It’s All About You!
Written by Sophie on Thursday, July 30, 2009
That’s right, it’s all about you. Sounds a little selfish but it’s true.
I’ve spent two afternoons now talking to Aunty Tina about my problems and my family’s problems and ultimately I’ve started learning from this that it doesn’t matter what other people think. I’m no help to anyone else if I can’t help myself, and I’m not helping anyone by running to their rescue trying to defend them rather than letting them deal with their problems themselves. My Mother is a very big part of this and growing up many of my problems are really my Mother’s problems that she has offloaded onto me rather than dealing with them herself. Whether it be my attitude towards BIID or my attitude towards food. Put simply by my Aunty Tina it isn’t healthy to worry about food all day and being too scared to eat because of peoples reactions. I need to learn how to filter what I hear and discard anything that isn’t my problem. She thinks this is a reoccuring theme in our community worrying so much about other peoples desires, problems and well-being that we sacrifice our own well-being. Even in situations where we try to respect our loved ones by not actually dealing with our problems but hiding them so they don’t have to deal with it. It sounds a little mean but it’s their problem that they aren’t happy with who we are, we need to learn to accept that we are who we are and make decisions based on what makes us happy and healthy. I’m not saying ignore your families completely, going too far in either direction makes life unlivable and having friends and loved ones to support you is important too.
There are small changes I am going to be making to my life. Changes that will hopefully gradually effect how my parents treat me. I’m going to start talking and interacting with my parents as an adult rather than as a child (like how they perceive me). When they talk to me and nag me about something if it isn’t directly my problem I stop the conversation and simply walk away. If I haven’t done something I promised to do I apologise for it and we move on. It will take a while but hopefully it will make my parents respect me more as an adult rather than feeling they have to keep coming to my rescue when they think I have a problem.
My Aunty thinks I’m amazingly strong to not only recognise who I am and where I want to go, but to actually make the decision to follow my dreams and aspirations. It would be far easier just to sit in my bedroom and give my parents what they want but then I would never grow and learn as a person. She also thinks that all of you here have been an amazing tool for me and an incredible addition to my strength. You have all (especially Sean) taught me to look at problems and events in life critically rather than as a victim and I thank you all for it. I’m a lot more mature with my outlook on life now than I was three or so years ago when I first discovered what the internet really was. She recognises that the life I aspire for myself isn’t the poor little disabled person at home who can’t do anything for herself, but the active wheelchair user who deals with problems head on and comes up with solutions to barriers rather than not working towards any goals. If there is something I can’t do I figure out another way to do it. I think that is really good because I was initially worried her perspective of paraplegics wasn’t as accurate as my own.
Last week she encouraged me to sit down and write a list. A list of positive things about myself (nothing negative). It sounds hard, and sounds annoying to try and set aside the time to do it but honestly once you get started it’s easy to think of extra things. It’s incredibly easy to think about bad stuff about yourself, it’s a lot harder to think of good stuff about yourself in comparison but because of that the effect it has sticks with you a lot longer. I think it’s partly why I’ve managed to live under this pressure for so long. I look for the good things in my life. I daydream. I have “what if” scenarios. It doesn’t make my problems go away but it makes them easier to deal with when I have good things to think about.
I thought I’d share my list with you all:
- Good Listener
- Loving
- Caring
- Always concerned with the well-being of friends and family
- Always ready to help others
- Great with computers
- Always striving to improve myself
- I work on my strengths and don’t worry about the things I can’t change
- I always make sure I am well researched in things I’m passionate about (something Aunty Tina noticed very quickly when talking to me)
- I draw on what I learn from negative situations and try to avoid them in the future
- I am intelligent and mature in matters that count
- I accept people for who they are and give them the benefit of the doubt
- I stand by my friends and support them in times of crisis
- I always try new things, even if I am out of my comfort zone
- I volunteer my time helping people and groups who need it
- I love reading and writing stories (this surprised my Aunty)
- People have confidence in my advice knowing I’ve either lived it or researched it
- I sense things in people and situations that other’s don’t notice
- I don’t hesitate to be truthful with others in regards to my opinions and feelings
- I strive towards goals and ambitions rather than boring myself staying in one place.
If you were to sit down and write a list about yourself what would it say? You deserve to take some time out to appreciate the good things about YOU!
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11 Comments
This is GREAT, Sophie. I know I really need to do that exercise of writing down the good things about myself. It is way out of my comfort zone. It is SO much easier for me to believe bad things about myself.
You are an inspiration. Maybe I’ll do it. It would be great to get everybody to write down their good points in the comments here. I’m definitely too chicken to go first though.
3 On 30 July, 2009, Sophie said:
Honestly Chloe I think it would do you the world of good, especially given all the bad stuff you tell yourself on your tramping trips etc :) It was hard for me to give that list to a woman I hardly ever really saw until now but I’m definately glad I did it.
4 On 31 July, 2009, Phil said:
Dear Sophie, what a luck to have such an Aunty! I rarely ever heard about a person so open-minded and understanding.
You said: “She thinks this is a reoccuring theme in our community worrying so much about other peoples desires, problems and well-being that we sacrifice our own well-being.”
Well, does this apply to the BIID community as well?
There are researchers who think this might be one of the causes of BIID - not just an effect.
A lot of items on your list would stand on mine, too. Maybe on others’ lists, too? Then we might find a typical “BIID personality” (which hasn’t been found by psychological testing so far).
Good luck and go on to take care for yourself, you deserve it, and I want to add one of the most important sentences my therapist said to me: “You can’t make a bigger present to others than to become yourself.” (She didn’t mean it BIID-wise, but more in an emotional way, in everyday habits, etc.: free yourself of limitations, become more spontaneous - maybe even BIID will be less important then).
Phil
Gosh Sophie, I am realising how much courage your post must have taken. I made my list. It was a really tough exercise. Half a dozen bad things flew around in my head for every good thing I thought of.
What is even harder is to share that list. I’m winding myself up to share it. This makes me feel extraordinarily vulnerable. I’m expecting everyone to think I’m full of shit, or something. Okay, here it is; the list of good things that I am:
Attentive to detail
Extremely compassionate
Extremely empathetic
Patient
Confident
Friendly
Courageous
Authentic
Independent
Persistent
Open to change
Loving
Accepting
Intelligent
Caring
Emotional
Fun loving
Social
Adventurous
Respected for my work
The fact that the tears are now streaming down my face means you have done something very important for me, Sophie. Thank you SO much.
Somebody else’s turn:
6 On 31 July, 2009, Sophie said:
well done Chloe, those traits (and more) are what we see in you every day :)
@Phil
“You said: “She thinks this is a reoccuring theme in our community worrying so much about other peoples desires, problems and well-being that we sacrifice our own well-being.”
Well, does this apply to the BIID community as well?”
I was meaning the BIID community in that statement
7 On 31 July, 2009, Lane said:
I’m scared to even start this. When I start to think about it, it could easily become listing of things that I need to improve upon. …and I know I _can_ improve on many things. Argh. Here goes:
Not constrained to details - can work at various levels of abstraction
Have great empathy for living things
Defender of the abused, neglected
Aggressive supporter of those who’s potential has not yet been discovered
True believer in equality (probably to a fault - oh well)
Neither a follower, nor an aggressive leader - skilled as a leader when that is required
Intelligent
Respectful of the work and skills of others
Able to see the good in people
Freakish ability to sense danger (I’ve been told)
Not afraid to experiment and of experimental failure
Embracing of the wide spectrum of humanity
I have to include two from Chloe, because they are most definitely intertwined into my own personality, but I can’t be certain say whether they are good or bad. These can absolutely allow us to savor all that life has to offer, or they can stop us in our tracks and prevent us from engaging in those things that will move us to the next milestones in our lives:
Emotional (& Sentimental)
Independent
9 On 31 July, 2009, Phil said:
If this:
“She thinks this is a reoccuring theme in our community worrying so much about other peoples desires, problems and well-being that we sacrifice our own well-being”
applies to the BIID community, then we might think about it as a possible cause of BIID. Or as a side-effect?
What do you all out there think? Are we so nice to others that we “cut off” too much from our own life - and the desire to get a paralysis, blind- or deafness or amputation is a signal, a symbol, a warning sign for too much sacrifice?
THANK YOU SOPHIE! Your post came just a couple of weeks after my car wreck last year, at a time when I was feeling particularly open to change. A year later I can say with confidence that you made a significant contribution to my psychological growth between then and now. Thank you for having had the courage to write this post. The exercise itself is more difficult than might appear. Going public with it is just as difficult, but an important part of the process. I highly recommend Sophie’s suggestion to anybody with issues of self esteem, negative self image, etc. This post is a wonderful example of how the support group aspect of the website can make a difference to people’s lives.
11 On 30 July, 2010, Sophie said:
Thank you for your encouragement Chloe, I can’t believe I wrote this a year ago, in many ways it took me a year to feel I achieved any of the goals I wrote in this post, I’ll admit I feel a lot of the change in my opinion of myself has taken place after Gwen and her husband prayed for me and has been meeting with me once a week (sometimes once a fortnight depending on her schedule). She still thinks I’m rather critical of myself, I think I’ve reached the point where I don’t even notice I’m saying the bad stuff I say to myself. It is definitely a lot harder to think well of yourself than it seems, I ended up asking God in my quiet time at home to show me during the days when I’m being mean to myself. Maybe with a little more awareness it’d be easier to work through.
My parents definitely treat me more like an adult now. They don’t feel like they have to come to my rescue any more (even though I’m still on sickness benefit). Life is going to change a little though. My two brothers are moving out tomorrow and will be living in a flat together. Mum won’t have two other people round to distract her any more. And sadly no, I don’t get a bigger bedroom, Mum’s already planned what she’s doing with the two extra rooms she’s getting.
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1 On 30 July, 2009, Becs said:
Sophie, I’m so glad you’re talking to your Aunty Tina. I think she’s able to help you see more directly what commenters have previously said. Continue gaining strength and listen to your Aunty!