Blog > Thoughts > Other's Thoughts > Sophie's Thoughts > I want to talk!
I want to talk!
Written by Sophie on Thursday, October 16, 2008
I’m at a stage in my life now where I’ve been actively aware of my transabledness for at least two years. I’ve considered talking to a doctor in the past about BIID but I’ve always been too scared thinking he wouldn’t understand and I’d end up going on the defensive trying to justify a problem I don’t understand myself. This blog entry is partly inspired by Sean’s recent attempts with doctors, GPs and Therapists.
I know in his life he has had some awful experiences with therapists and his recent attempts to talk hasn’t worked out how he expected either but it doesn’t help my feeling that I need to talk. In part I guess these urges are being made stronger by having to suppress my BIID. Part of me dreams at night that I talk to my doctor and he actively prescribes pretending as therapy. I know that would never happen, it’s rediculous. My GP barely listens as it is beyond signing my sickness benefit form and then dealing with mum’s nags she wants me to talk to him about (I go to a diaticien and green prescription person soon). I can’t help but wonder what he would say.
What should I do? Who can I trust with this painful part of my life? I’m tired of struggling through this on my own and I know I’ll be struggling through it ten years from now. I’m tired of putting on a brave face and telling everyone I’m ok. I’m not ok.
I spent some time reading old posts I made here and some of them still bring pain including the following blurb. I wrote this when I was really depressed. Sean pretty much forced me to go to my GP (he would have dragged me in there if he could have). I’ve edited it a lot, cut out the non relavent bits.
The easiest thing to do would be to move somewhere completely new and start fresh. Get a job from your chair, make friends from your chair, go to church in your chair, but you would still be running away from the things that are making you so insecure with being who you are with the friends you left. I don’t know if I could open up to anyone…I don’t know if I could keep anything secret…How can I open up to someone fully? How can I expose myself to someone and prevent them from seeing this part of me that seems to be consuming me every day? How can I deal with my hurt but not have to tell why? Even running away is too hard for me.
Tags: BIID, Doctor, Pretending, Therapist
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1 On 16 October, 2008, Chloe said:
Ouch, Sophie! Yes, I totally understand the need to talk. One of the first things I discussed with my psychotherapist earlier this year was my fear of disclosure. He gave me a lot of encouragement to just be myself and go for it. I have talked to 40+ friends and family about it. I have clearly irretrievably lost one friend, and another is iffy. However, it has been worth it because of all the emotional support that I have got from the others.
I told my GP two days ago. You’ll be able to read about that soon.
I have two pieces of advice about disclosure. First, be sure to exude self confidence about it; avoid being insecure; it’s O.K. to show that you are in pain though. Secondly, if it is possible, have someone with you who already knows about it and is very supportive.
Be selective about who you tell too. With hindsight I have probably told too many people already. I’ve stopped telling further friends and family unless I really feel they have a need to know.
At least you can talk to us, Sophie. We care about you!