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Change Can Be Good
Written by Sophie on Friday, May 14, 2010
Things are progressing nicely. I’m still going through hard stuff, last night I had to admit to God, Gwen and her husband how it really felt to be unemployed for three years. That was hard, being honest about how I really felt, and I was "accused" of praying "nice prayers" rather than being honest about how I really felt.
I think the whole point of that was to stop me from bottling things up inside me, if I can’t tell others how I really feel I should be able to tell myself and God. I know one of the things I’ve done in the last three years to protect myself has been to ignore the problems and focus on other things that didn’t matter quite so much. Ultimately I feel the things I’m doing in my life is in my best interests.
It’s had a follow-on effect. My room is still clean. I don’t spend my nights in bed coming up with fantasies anymore. I’m feeling like I don’t need computer games to escape from the real world anymore. I’m looking for things outside the house to get involved in. Most importantly I’m feeling a reordering of priorities in my mind. BIID is still there but it isn’t as much of an issue anymore. Enough sunshine has been sprinkled in that part of my life to the point where I’m reconsidering full time wheeling when I go study. Right now I still don’t have any option over whether I choose to use a wheelchair but for the first time in three years it doesn’t seem to be much of a problem as long as God is number one in my life.
I’m not naive enough to think this is the end of all my BIID problems. Gwen knows from personal experience what it’s like to have your mind thinking or doing something completely stupid. I’m not going to withdraw completely from the online world either. I sound a bit like a Jesus freak at the moment but at the end of the day I think we’d all agree that if something is working even just a little bit it’s worth the trouble. It’s bizarre, when Gwen and I had that first morning at the cafe she asked me if it was in God’s plan to get rid of my BIID, would I agree? I said yes, it was the only certain answer she’d gotten out of me that morning. Caring for my spiritual side seems to sooth my mental/emotional issues as well.
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4 Comments
Change can be good. I just wish I could figure a change that would help ease me some …
I know meditation works. I completely lose track of time – go completely at ease …
Like last night. I wont give you full details as your a Christian, I’m a Satanist blah blah but …
I felt complete and total peace. It only felt like 5 minutes had passed but over half an hour passed. The incense I was burning burned down to the stick by the time I noticed and the candles did some weird shit too. Like .. I’ve never seen before. It was strange … I’ve never seen a candle burn a perfect hole in one part of itself =/ And then the other one melted a little trench in its side. It was strange …
Either way. I know some things need to stop. I need to do things outside of Azeroth and in the real world >.>
Synchronicity strikes again. Like you, Sophie, I’m feeling that things are progressing nicely. Likewise I’m trying to address the elephant in my room, of chronic underemployment.
I am also mindful of Sean’s experience, that this may be a window of opportunity which won’t last forever.
4 On 17 May, 2010, Phil said:
In my case things don’t progress nicely. Or am I just unable to see them?
Underemployment… well, I panic a bit in the last weeks or months. It’s gettinger better, slowly, but still I panic.
Maybe I would panic less if I was in a wheelchair, but I would probably earn less, too.
I want to go a new way into a new job, but paths seem closed at the moment.
Maybe I should start with cleaning my office. I know that it often helps a lot.
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1 On 13 May, 2010, Sean said:
Change can be very good. I’m glad things are feeling better for you at the moment.
And I do hope it lasts for you. I’m not aiming to be a “party pooper” or harbringer of bad news. I just look at my own experience and in my early/mid 20′s, I have had times where things appeared/were better. I didn’t have God in my life, so perhaps you won’t end up with a big attack of BIID in a few years.
I hope that’s the case for you. You deserve to be happy.