Blog > Thoughts > Other's Thoughts > Silent's Thoughts > It’s Just A Wheelchair
It’s Just A Wheelchair
Written by Silent on Monday, April 20, 2009
I am sitting in my chair now. I got back from my trip, after hours upon hours of travel. Luckily my boyfriend was at work. The box was in the apartment. I had a moment of panic. "God, what have I done". My first thought was that he would be back in a few hours, I had to find a place in the closet for the wheelchair, hide it, run away. Turns out he was dogsitting and would be gone the whole evening.
I tore the box open, I put the wheelchair all together. My heart was pounding with nervous excitement. It really was like Christmas in a way, forbidden Christmas. Though I’m not sure that added to the experience, but rather took away. Then it was set up. And I sat down.
I DID have immediate relief. It wasn’t like my universe shifting, not really. It wasn’t like how I imagine I’ll feel when my legs are paralyzed :). It wasn’t just BIID relief, or even mostly BIID relief. The relief came from realizing… It was just a chair. Sitting in it was just how I thought it would be, in my dreams, albeit with flat tires since I had no pump :). And I realized I was in control, I could get rid of it if I wanted to, it was just a THING, something so far private, it doesn’t hurt anybody, and I could enjoy it, dammit, figure out the rest later.
So I rolled about and made dinner and unpacked. It really just felt very, very normal. Another way to get about. And now I’ve pumped up the tires and have been practicing this afternoon. I worked a bit from home and then I tried to pop some wheelie. OUCH I really whacked my back, ROFL. Wow, now, THAT is much harder than it looks!!! For some reason I thought it would be easy! I’m going to buy a hex wrench set to adjust the center of gravity, which is set to the extreme back, which I think is bad for learning. The chair is just a tad to big, but not bad fitting. Good size for a jacket. I have also learned my bathroom is not accessible- the door is a hair too small. Rugs are still the devil, at least until I can do even a tiny little wheelie without flipping backwards!
Yes, my legs are still the same. Yes, I still have BIID. I feel ashamed still, but I don’t feel guilty about this. I needed to do this to help me figure things out. I don’t know what the answers are, but I don’t in the least regret buying the chair. It gives me hope that perhaps one can find peace in this life.
[Note from Sean: Silent was very hesitant to post this, and I had to ask several times. I think she makes very important points that haven't been made in the past. She finally told me to go ahead and publish it, but stipulated that she wasn't sure she felt that way anymore.]
Tags: BIID, Peace, Wheelchair
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4 Comments
Thank you so much for sharing that, Silent. There is no doubt this is a big step to take, and I think it is very useful to talk to each other about what it is like. The feelings can change a bit over time too. We’re not all going to be exactly the same.
If somebody had told me, a year ago, the benefits I would get from using a wheelchair, I would have told them they were being utterly ridiculous and that “It’s just a wheelchair”. But the truth is:
I am more self confident.
I feel more intelligent.
I feel more attractive.
I feel authentic.
I am more social.
I am less anxious.
Others find me more attractive.
I find men sexy.
I have improved well being.
And yet, as you say, it feels so very very normal.
I look forward to hearing more about how your relationship with the chair develops.
Very well put Chole, amazing what wheelchairs, braces, and all our other toys/therapy/clothing devices can do for us and help out our personal situations, differences, problems, and personalities. They truely are a therpy device for all of us.
-Wheelman
4 On 20 April, 2009, Sean said:
@Chloe, yes, it’s having all these effect on us. And yet, it *is* just a chair with wheels. No reason to freak out when we consider getting one ;)
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1 On 20 April, 2009, Cath said:
Hi Silent. You are where I was last year – I had exactly the same fears and the same reaction. I still feel the same sense of relief and elation when I sit down in my chair to this day. It’s a huge step to take, but you did it. You’re not on your own with this.