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Wellspring of Desire
Written by Sarah on Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Quid Pro Quo was a movie with many faults, butit was certainly refreshing to see ourexistence portrayed on screen even ifall of the details weren’t quite right. My favorite scene is the one in which Vera Farmiga comes out of her room wearing a corset and leg braces and asks Isaac whether he’s offended. At one point she acknowledges to him that she’s never shared thisaspect of her life with another humansoul. My favorite moment comes at the end ofthe scene when she tells him that she needs to use her chair but can’t with him there.That was the mostauthentic aspect of the whole movie for me.
I can’tfathom ever telling another person face toface that there are times when I*need* to wear a neck brace and imagine that I’mcompletely paralyzed. There is no way that I could share that information with someone who didn’t share this disability and not be seen as totally insane. How do you explain to another person the sense of overwhelming peace, calmness, and wellbeing that goes along with being unable to move? I just know that ever since I was a little kid, the most comforting sensation I am capable of experiencing involves having my neck encased and immobilized. Some people have a favorite singer, or a movie, or a place they like to go when they need to be comforted…..I need to be unable to move my head (and preferably the rest of my body as well). It’s disturbing because it’s so unusual, and isolating. But it just feels too good to even think about stopping. Just thinking about it takes me to a transcendent, zen-like state of happiness, and this is just magnified by actually doing it. This is of course not to mention the fact that I like the way I look in a bulky restrictive neck and back brace. It just looks right to me. I walk around all day at work wishing that people were seeing me in my brace. I kind of can’t even believe I’m admitting this out loud, even in an anonymous fashion. I’m not sure why it’s so hard to admit this to myself, even though I’ve had these fantasies and desires for almost 30 years.
All of this would probably be fine if it weren’t for the fact that I am totally unable to express this to the people I know and love. The fact is that it’s taken about two decades to be able to admit to myself that I want to be able to use a wheelchair and neck and back braces because they make me feel good. That’s it, that’s the whole rationale…..it just makes me feel good. How selfish. How self-absorbed. But then again,in a perfect world, what would be so wrong with me coming home from work and putting on my brace and using a wheelchair? The problem of course is that it’s not exactly what my spouse signed up for. He wants me to be happy, no question. But he would never be able to understand or accept that this makes me happy. And it certainly wouldn’t make him happy. My needs wouldprofoundly inconvenience him.
Maybe that’s what this is all about? Did this stem from the fact that as a kid I was entirely powerless in terms of getting my needs met? My parents had a lot of issues of their own, and my job was to not inconvenience them. My job was to stay out of the way of them achieving their goals. Was the desire to be totally paralyzed born out of a subconscious effort to force my needs to be met on the most basic level?
Tags: Corset, Leg Braces, Paralysed, Quid Pro Quo, Wheelchair
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5 Comments
Thanks so much for sharing this!!!
That zen-like state, can you describe that a bit more?
Hi Sarah,
“How do you explain to another person the sense of overwhelming peace, calmness, and wellbeing that goes along with being unable to move?”
I know just exactly what you mean. It’s like coming home.
“Did this stem from the fact that as a kid I was entirely powerless in terms of getting my needs met? My parents had a lot of issues of their own, and my job was to not inconvenience them. My job was to stay out of the way of them achieving their goals.”
I have slowly realised that my job was ‘to fulfill my mother’s intellectual expectations and to keep out of my father’s way so he could attend to my mothers’s every whim.’
In my dad’s eyes I was a bi-product of loving my mother, nothing more.
Sound bitter and twisted eh? No just realistic.
I came very close to buying a w/c on Ebay today. Lack of funds and cluelessness about what to choose has dissuaded me so far. Plus I have nowhere to put the thing when enquiring friends appear at the house.
I too have wondered just how much pleasing my mother has impacted upon my BIID needs.
My mother could not have been more loving or considerate, but, on the other hand, she was also pretty ****ed up in her own way (and that’s not to say all my problems are my mother’s fault!).
I have tried to pose this question before, and although i did it in a rather confrontational way, i am very curious to understand the impact our parents might have had on who we are in this respect.
And, to get back to Sarah’s post - i loved the fact that Quid Pro Quo put the issue of BIID on the table for discussion - i agree that it was not perfect - but at least it was someone out there discussing the issues in a wider forum (and Nick Stahl is pretty darn cute, particularly in a chair!)
I too am struggling with the fact that my decision to act on my needs will impact on my husband, but is it really so bad to be who we are?
And if our loved one’s would accept and love us if we validly acquired the injury, is the only reason that we dont ‘invalidly’ acquire the injury because to do so requires us to lie to them?
So is the real problem then that we have to make the decision that we either continue to lie to ourselves about who we are - or we bite the bullet (though not literally) and make the decision to change our lives.
And please do not use this post as encouragement to literally bite the bullet - because i know i dont have the guts to do it myself - and i also dont want to encourage anyone else - the question i pose is purely theoretical.
5 On 4 December, 2008, Roger said:
Thanks for this reflection Sarah. It is very hard to REALLY explain to those who are otherwise close to us just how we feel about our needs. I am a leg-brace wannabe who has never worn leg-braces of my own as I don’t want to upset my wife and kids. Sometimes I think, no, this is not the way it should be: this is MY life and MY happiness also matters.
BTW, are you sure your partner would not accept the you you want to truly be? Is it not worth trying to find out? You never know, your partner might understand more than you think and wouldn’t life be easier if this was so? In my case I levelled with my wife but the acceptance was at best 10% and I am no closer to living the disabled life I so want. Our relationship is otherwise very good and we have been married for 37 years now!
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1 On 25 November, 2008, Chloe said:
Sarah, thank you so much for having the courage to share these things with us.
Some of the things you mention particularly hit home with regard to my partner. She has said a number of times that this isn’t what she signed up for. She has called me insane quite a few times. She has expressed her displeasure about the inconvenience, particularly when we are out together and I am walking so slowly because of leg braces.
However, time and constant communication has changed this. She has found that I am a more pleasant person to be with when I am in a wheelchair. She reprimands me at home if I get out of the chair without crutches, because she knows the more I use mobility aids the happier I will be; and that makes her happy.