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Source of Solace
Written by Sarah on Saturday, November 29, 2008
I’m home alone for a few days and so of course I immediately put my neck brace on. I don’t have a wheelchair - that’s not as easy to hide as a case full of neck and back braces.
But if I had one, I would be sitting in it. But for right now, the neck brace alone is enough. What amazes me every time is the intensity of the feeling it provokes - it feels so good, so inexplicably and completely good that I can’t believe I spend most of my life away from it. I also can’t believe that something that makes me feel so elementally sound can also be the source of so much shame.
I’m connected to my husband on a deep emotional and spiritual level, but I would be mortified if he found out about this. Which begs the question, how close can we really be if I haven’t brought myself to share this with him? I tell myself I want to protect him from this aspect of my life because it’s too dark, too disturbing, and too incomprehensible. But is it really any of those things? Not to me. That’s what society thinks about this; not what I, or from my reading of the posts, anyone else here thinks.
Michael First was right to draw the parallel between Gender Identity Disorder and BIID. He’s right that this is a fundamental question of identity and not a lifestyle choice. So what does it mean to be ashamed of your internal image of yourself? I wonder if the sense of embarrassment and shame and mortification over the desire to appear disabled lessens when you actually allow yourself to engage in that desired disability. I know I don’t feel those emotions when I’m alone and wearing my neck brace; I feel totally the opposite in fact. I have an out of town trip coming up. I’m going to make myself wear my brace in this other city and see what that’s like. It’s a calculated risk, but I think worth it.
Tags: BIID, Disability, GID, Husband, Neck Brace, Shame
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1 On 29 November, 2008, Chloe said:
Earlier this year I thought I would be too embarrassed and self conscious to use leg braces or a wheelchair in public. I found that didn’t happen at all. Instead it felt normal and authentic. I hope you will have a good experience on your trip, and I look forward to hearing about it.
I also have a cupboard full of back braces, which I’ve had since long before my back injury. Now that I’ve had a physical need to wear a back brace for most of the last two years, it’s just part of the daily routine and nothing special. I’m wondering if I will feel that way about the wheelchair after I become paraplegic.
Do I understand that you prefer a neck brace to a back brace? If so, why?
Thanks for getting me thinking :)