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Coping Mechanism
Written by Sarah on Friday, December 5, 2008
So I’ve been thinking a lot about how to communicate about my problem with someone I love, face to face. The interesting thing is that up until about 3 weeks ago, I had never communicated this to anyone, in any capacity. And in the last 3 weeks, I’ve emailed two people and spoken (totally anonymously)with one person, and now I can’t stop thinking about finding ways to talk about this. But it’s so ridiculously hard. Pathologic need for silence and secrecy, shame, guilt, horror….hard to determine which of these emotions is predominant.
Anyway, what is my problem? Surely I can tell you guys about it…I’ve been lurking here long enough to know that no one’s going to get too bent out of shape by my silly little issues. I hope. Here is the deal. Since age 4 or so I have been obsessed with having my neck immobilized. The neck alone will do it, but it’s even better if my entire spine is immobilized. I achieve this with neck and back braces, and I indulge in their use as often as I possibly can. Being in a neck brace is pretty much the most comforting feeling I’m capable of attaining. Putting on a neck brace immediately makes me feel….centered, calm, contented…..it’s the best I ever feel, with a few rare exceptions. It feels right, it looks right, it makes me happy. I think if that were the extent of it I might be able to just accept it and move on. But it’s just a springboard for constant fantasies about quadriplegia and everything that goes along with that. Do I really want to be quadriplegic? Absolutely not (although it wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen to me, by far). But I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it for the last 28 years or so. I can’t stop myself from pretending in private that I am in fact completely paralyzed. And I can’t explain why that makes me feel so good.
How exactly does one broach a subject like that with a loved one? I thought it was just an odd quirk of mine, one of many actually. I thought I could just keep it to myself, as I’ve done for the vast majority of my life. But now I’m in a situation where I can’t indulge my simple needs – just to use the braces that give me the temporary feeling – and it’s seriously clouding my judgment. It’s a nightmare. Either I figure out a way to discuss this with my partner or I….keep this horrible secret to myself and feel deprived of my best coping mechanism. I’m not sure which aspect of this is more sad – that I deluded myself into thinking I could keep this secret forever, or that this is my best coping mechanism.
Tags: Back Brace, Neck Brace, Paralysed, Spine
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3 Comments
Dear Sarah
I have read your recent posts with much interest. Being a paraplegic in a wheelchair is my particular fascination and I too feel guilty about having theses desires. My partner does know something of my desires as she found a folder of pics on our computer full of women in wheelchairs. I know she isn’t particularly keen on my fantasies but she does occasionally pretend to be a paraplegic in bed when we make love. The thought of being helpless appeals to her very much (and me too) and as such she is at my mercy. My point is why don’t you test him out? Forget about the neck braces for the moment. Why don’t you tell him you have had a fantasy of being completely helpless during sex (I am assuming it would appeal to you too)and see what his reaction is. You never know he might be very aroused at the thought of you being unable to move. Try acting out the fantasy with him and see what happens. Then take it from there.
Good luck!
Mark
Sarah-i understand what your feeling. I just “came out” about 7 weeks ago online, and about 5 weeks ago to someone in my real life. I don’t have a partner, so I don’t understand that part, but I first came out to my best friend and it was fine.
As for the predominant emotions, it seems to still change multiple times daily for me at this stage, but that is better than the way I was feeling before.
I concur with Chloe, best to keep the word quadraplegia out of it at first. That word scares the dickens out of most people and it might cause someone to disengage mentally before you’re able to explain.
RE your last sentence: yes its sad to keep the secret, and sad that there aren’t formal treatment options for us. Until that day comes, we all have to find our own coping mechanisms. So these days I’m using a wheelchair sometimes. It’s not ideal, but’s it’s better than nothing:) And it’s better than before.
Being somewhat deluded:I sometimes think, the more people I tell who accept me, the more people they’ll tell, and then more people, and maybe someday, somewhere being transabled will be not so bad :)
Whatever you decide to do, we’re here for you!!
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1 On 7 December, 2008, Chloe said:
Hello Sarah. Yes, you will absolutely get kindness, compassion and understanding here. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
I used to use a neck brace in connection with BIID, so I know something of the comfort about which you speak. It seems to be a lot more intense for you than it ever was for me though. After I came to have a physical need to use a neck brace on occasion, to manage fibromyalgia, I lost interest in using it otherwise.
I think about quadriplegia every day; not because it is something that I desire, but because I put myself at some risk for it in attempting to acquire paraplegia. I need to keep checking in with myself that I am truly prepared to accept that risk.
The way you broach the subject is going to depend on both you and the person you are talking to. Since you are not saying that you actually want to be quadriplegic, I would be tempted to leave out all discussion of quadriplegia at a first pass. My partner’s first hint was when she came across a box of my braces. I think it let her in gently, simply to know that I had such things.
Be sure to let us know how it goes, if you tell this person.