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The String (Le Fil)
Written by Phil on Sunday, August 8, 2010
Recently I saw the film "le fil". It is the story of a young architect who comes home from France to his mother in Tunis. She is French, but was married to a Tunisian who died some time ago. (See also http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1302559/).
The young man is gay but doesn’t dare or find the appropriate moment to tell his mother. He has undergone therapy because from early childhood on he imagined that he was tied to a string or twine, and at night, before he could go to sleep he had to unentwine by turning round and round…
Whenever a stressful situation comes, he feels this string and often starts to turn around himself. But he needs it less and less after he comes out and finds love and lives the truth. This was very touching for me, and I felt how much I long for a life and a world where I can live openly and everybody shows each other his and her true desires, feelings and need for love.
— That’s what I wrote the day after I saw the film.
Now what has this to do with BIID?
Obviously I am thinking if my wheelchair is my string. And that my wheelchair protects me like a shield, but at the same time ties and binds.
Or my inner reality, my inner identity as a double above knee amputee is sort of my string. It binds me, I flee into it. When I sit in it, I don’t have to touch the ground. (Recently Chloe wrote she feels more grounded in it, though.)
With Dan of fighting-it I have discussed years ago that we feel trapped like a fox in the trap which bites off his leg to become free again. Now Dan has "lost" his leg and feels free, even in situations which don’t look like perfect freedom. But he says and seems much more able to take and give himself more freedom.
–
Maybe not the wish to be an amputee or the wheelchair are my fil (string), but that I try to explain it, find a cause, find a therapy… Maybe I am just bound to ideas of convention, of normality.
It would be great to talk about this with somebody else with BIID who has seen the film.
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5 Comments
2 On 8 August, 2010, Phil said:
Dear Elizabeth, you ask the right questions. I think you are right, I am still fighting it. I want to be normal. I want to be able, able to do anything that comes to my mind. I want to fit in. I want to be like the beautiful young sportive guys whom I see around and find so attractive, beaming from life and energy and obviously feeling so comfortable in their bodies.
Yesterday I made a short wheeling with a friend who wanted to try out my wheelchair, too. When I walked beside her, it felt good. The lower body moves much more.
“Normal” means with two legs, yes. “Normal” means not: in the usual model. I am gay, so I am not normal, and I don’t really desire to be normal in that sense. “Normal” means all those little things: Jumping up and walking somewhere to fetch something, jumping over walls, running up and down stairs, dancing, standing in a crowd and still see something, standing in front of people and be seen, going to any cinema, bar, toilet, whatever, without thinking.
Without thinking? I am often thinking “how would I do this without legs?”, and the thoughts then lead to mixed feelings.
No, I am not happy with my able-bodied life now.
I would prefer to be able-bodied and not suffer from fighting BIID; I want to be free of BIID and keep my legs; and maybe that’s a childish fantasy only.
This week I met a female-to-male transident person. We talked a lot. I’ll try to write my feelings about it down later, in another “thought” (posting).
To answer your repeated question: I like it comfortable. I want to fit in. I don’t want to have to choose. I envy other people for their being naturally themselves.
I want a body without legs, but the ability to do everything. I want too much.
I just fear what I desire. That’s it. Because a de-cision means literally to cut away the other options and a lot of possibilities, to gain a reality which I can’t foresee, which I desire and fear at the same time.
3 On 8 August, 2010, Phil said:
An additional remark:
I met a friend this week whom I have told about my BIID. He asked a lot of questions, many of which we have discussed here, too. One question was:
“If there was a procedure like for transsexual (transident) people (with therapy, two independent expert opinions, real life test), would you do it?”
And I said: “yes”.
But I’m not so certain.
It’s a matter of “can” versus “be”. And a matter of being what I feel inside or what I admire outside.
From my perspective, being in a wheelchair soon became normal. All those little things, yes even dancing, you just start doing without thinking.
Wishing you peace, Phil.
Hi Gordo, I’m not so certain I want to reach this threshold; and hi Chloe, I’m not in a position where I could use a wheelchair every day.
I guess I’m still afraid of the slippery slope.
I have to manage my daily life, and at the moment I spend too much time and energy for this all. Okay, maybe when wheeling I would spend less time and energy for it. But this is not an option right now, unfortunately.
By the way, there will be a meeting of people with BIID on 28/29 August in Germany.
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1 On 8 August, 2010, Elisabeth said:
“Maybe not the wish to be an amputee or the wheelchair are my fil (string), but that I try to explain it, find a cause, find a therapy… Maybe I am just bound to ideas of convention, of normality.”
What is the real reason for you to be free of BIID? Each of us might have a different reason. Phil, you are still fighting it. You still want “normal” life. Does normal life mean being able-bodied? You still feel that having an impairment would make your life worse on some level. But why do you think so? Sure, you wouldn’t be able to do certain things but are those essential to your happiness? Are you happy with your able-bodied life? Do you prefer to suffer from fighting BIID and be “normal” or do you prefer to answer the call to inner freedom and be partly limited on the outside? Personally I think that you are still hoping to have it all – inner freedom and working legs. I do hope you can have both, I hope that you find the way. But I am tired of trying to find the way to keep both. My balancing act means inner freedom and physical limitations.
So to repeat my question again: Do you think that the main reason for you to keep walking lies in conviction that a life of able-bodied person is better than a life of person with disability?