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Fever
Written by Phil on Wednesday, August 11, 2010
After too much work at too late hours, I got a fever. Over 40 degrees Celsius (104 degrees Fahrenheit). I was in bed and slept most of the time. And in between sleep and being awake, I felt my stumps so vividly, so clearly and so detailed.
I think this was because I had no energy to control my thoughts. Or does it show that I have even less energy for my legs when I am ill?
How much do I control my own thinking during the day, and how much energy does this cost?
Sometimes when I am ill it seems to be the other way round: I have no energy left for BIID, it pales and I concentrate on the rest. I even feel a bit happy when an illness approaches, because I see the chance to just be, just live, just exist, no more obligations, just being ill (which is work) and become fit again (which is inner work and development, too).
And every time I am ill I hope that the fever or whatever will take BIID away, like sometimes a slight, nearly non-perceptible dis-ease went away, giving way to new developments, when I had a fever as a child.
I desire a crisis which makes me calm down, and I wish that after it I can stand with both feet firmly on the ground, on the earth, feeling it and walking freely.
But that’s a dream which reminds me of the title of a book I once saw in the bookshelf of the parents of a friend: "Good-bye to the dreams of youth"…
Good-bye to which dreams? The dream of myself with two thigh stumps, or the dream of myself walking happily on my feet, feeling the earth and being one with myself and the world?
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