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Blog > Thoughts > Other's Thoughts > Phil's Thoughts > Being Ashamed For Myself

Being Ashamed For Myself

Written by Phil on Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Often I feel ashamed for myself. Sometimes because I don’t feel to be prepared well enough for a meeting or so – and often just because of being who I am. Today I shopped for some groceries and such and in the shop I felt self-conscious and, well, yes, ashamed of myself. Without any real reason. When I thought I was there in a wheelchair, all this shame vanished – for a moment.

I often feel inhibitions. I hear them in my voice and feel them in my posture and the way how I use my body. My therapist even thinks that BIID is like an expression of these inhibitions which are deep down in my soul and which I should overcome. And she helps me overcome them, really.  But BIID…

Osteopathy releases, unblocks, makes me relax very very deep in my body. Everything calms down and even BIID is less hard and heavy then. For some time.

But when I see myself as a double above knee amputee, energies run through me which normally never flow. Paradoxically, I even feel them flowing into my legs, so that I could jump up and dance.

But maybe the inhibitions  and blockages which I have in my soul and in my body are (at least partially) an effect (and not so much a cause) of BIID. There are some good reasons to think that:

1. Most of the time, BIID is the biggest desire, wish or will I have. It is nearly always on my mind. But I can’t do much about it. Or I don’t allow myself to do something. It would mean find a way to get the short thigh stumps and change my life quite a lot. So there is a big inhibition. The big barrier I can’t overcome or remove. I have to swallow it again and again, until my intestines are twisted.
2. I have learnt and it has been necessary to suppress or repress my desire for so many years that it has become a habit that I repress a lot of myself. I couldn’t even admit to myself that I want it, and I couldn’t (and can’t) show it, talk to others etc.
3. I feel ashamed of myself because I am not who I am. Shame creates barriers and makes me tight.
4. Not being able and courageous enough to simply follow my desire makes me sad, and sadness makes me tight, too.

Tags: Amputee, BIID, Shame, Therapist, Wheelchair

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