Home / Thoughts / Other's Thoughts / Mary's thoughts / In need of a wheelchair
In need of a wheelchair
Written by Mary on Thursday, June 19, 2008
I understand that many of you have a wheelchair of your own. For me that’s still just a dream. I’m looking on the internet every day for wheelchairs, different models, what kind that would suit me, and ones for sale. But I know there’s just too many obstacles in my life right now, that stops me from having a wheelchair. Even though, when I read about how some of you use your wheelchairs, it makes me jealous and enlarging my longing.
Where I work right now, for some reason (I don’t work in a hospital or something like that) there’s a wheelchair standing in the hall. It’s the kind of very old, simple chair used at hospitals just for short transportation. But still, it’s a wheelchair… Every time I pass it, I just want to sit down in it, wheel away in it. Unfortunately there’s always someone else there who can see… I sure doesn’t have the courage to try the wheelchair in front of others.
I’m in need of a power wheelchair, that’s my greatest desire. But a manual wheelchair would be fantastic as well, and if, when, I finally someday get one, it will problably be a manual wheelchair.
One problem is that my apartment isn’t good for wheeling in, I wouldn’t be able to move in the narrow kitchen, and the toilet is not reachable at all with a wheelchair.
Maybe this condition will make me move. I love my nice little apartment, but maybe it’s not just right for me, the way I am. I’m sure you all know how strong those feelings are.
For me, when I kind of opened my eyes for my true identity, all those feelings has accelerated. Maybe this now means that my need to be, or at least be able to pretend, is stronger than my love for this apartment.
Right now I’m looking for an apartment more suitable for my needs. I don’t know if I’m taking this too far, rearranging my housing after my desire. It would mean giving up on all other dreams about how I want to live, for just this one.
But it would certainly be a more than wonderful dream coming true, being able to live more disabled. A new apartment would at least give me the chance to pretend with a wheelchair.
I know people wouldn’t understand why I would leave the great place I’ve got, since they don’t know about my deep wishes and needs.
I’ve found a perfect little place, that is on the market now, but since it is a new building I couldn’t move there until next year.
It has a walk-in-closet where I would be able to have my wheelchair when I’m not using it, I’m sure I could also find a way there to hide it if necessary. Because for me there’s a very long way telling friends and family about my condition, maybe never.
It has also got a large bathroom.
The most wonderful thing about this place; it’s got a pool in the yard! A swimming pool for all the residents.
I could only imagine how great it would be, wheeling down to the pool, crawling down from my chair, in to the pool, swimming to keep my "disabled" body in some kind of shape and to release the tension of the muscle tone.
I don’t know if I’m ready to take a step like this, but, on the other hand, I’ve come to the age, the level in life where I more and more do the things I want. I’m trying to listen to my heart and feelings in all my decisions. I want to live the rest of my life as the person I am, not a person others would want me to be. Even if my life takes other directions later on, this is what I want now, and maybe it’s better to live the way I want now. If I want something different later on, then let’s deal with that then.
Tags: Disabled, Pretend, Wheelchair
This entry appears in Mary's thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You may have your say, or trackback from your own site.
3 Comments
Mary, I too share your feelings on needing a wheelchair. Like you I am not in possession of my own chair. I also spend hours looking at different models on the internet, imagining how it might feel to be seated in a manual wheelchair and propelling myself along with my flaccid and useless legs supported on the footrests. Lately this has become something of an obsession which is frustrating me to say the least.
I actually do some voluntary work in a hospital near to me and I have had the opportunity to sit in a chair (however briefly). The wheelchair in question is one of the high backed recliners with elevating legrests (this feature really appeals to me). A wonderful feeling despite the brevity of the experience.
I would love to correspond with any others here including yourself on the subject of our mutual fascination. My email address is matrons@hotmail.com
Yours
Margaret
yeah. this reminds me of the time I was on holiday in Center Parcs, and there was this wheelchair by the pool (manual) to help disabled/elderly get in the pool - there was a ramp too. I was working up the courage to sit down in it (there wern’t many people around - amazing for center parcs I know) when i noticed the lifguards seat was just above me (with a lifeguard sitting in it). gutted.
Post your comments
© transabled.org - 1994-2008 - All Rights Reserved.
1 On 20 June, 2008, Chloe said:
Your words strike such a chord in me, Mary. I work in a psychiatric hospital (yes, the irony does not escape me!), pretty much off by myself in the research wing. The rooms close to my office and lab are used for storage, and among the items stored is a wheelchair. So when I get into work, I stroll down the corridor, sit in the wheelchair, and wheel back into my office. Here I am, typing. I haven’t yet dared to wheel myself to the cafeteria for lunch, or wear my leg braces to work.
A few days ago I was browsing through a home health care catalog, checking out the wheelchairs, and said out loud “Ooh, there’s a nice one!”. My partner and I exchanged meaningful glances.
Every morning I use my arms to push myself up and transfer out of bed into my (currently imaginary) wheelchair. Our shower already has a built in seat. I think this is going to work out.