Home / Thoughts / Other's Thoughts / Lane's Thoughts / Yeah, I’m Crazy
Yeah, I’m Crazy
Written by Lane on Sunday, April 12, 2009
So, I knew I needed help, but it turns out that good help is hard to find. I’ve now talked to about a dozen mental health professionals and I trust only the two that I’m working with now. Basic statistics would suggest that the average tdoc/pdoc (therapist/psychiatrist) sees average people. Most of their interactions, depression due to job loss, anxiety about a failing marriage, etc., are probably fairly mundane. You can guess part of my diagnosis – a relatively mild form of bipolar disorder – without psychotic symptoms.
For those of us with conditions that are atypical, we require pdocs that are prepared to deal with people who differ from the mean and use techniques that are perhaps as unique as the people. I believe I have a good shot now at either beating or controlling this thing we call BIID. My pdoc has a demonstrated history of working with more difficult cases, is clearly highly intelligent, creative, and very personable. He also completely respects the intelligence of me, as a patient, and isn’t patronizing or passive. In fact, he takes a very active role in diagnosis and treatment. Finally, due to a illness that he has since recovered from, he was a wheeler for quite a while. He talks about that time rather fondly and talks with great regret about the time when the chair was no longer "necessary". He strongly encourages wheeling (…but I’m getting ahead of myself – more to come later). Wow. Believe it or not, I chose him randomly out of a provider’s list.
So, in therapy there were two goals, stabilize my mood so I didn’t do anything too stupid again, and get to the bottom of the whole BIID thing. Turns out that the mood thing is actually not that hard to control. There are great drugs out there. A few anticonvulsants plus a year of therapy have stabilized that situation, for the most part.
As you know, the BIID is tricker to work with. However, as I tried this and that medication, I noticed changes in the way that I viewed my paraplegia desires. They haven’t gone away – my news isn’t that good, but for the first time in the 25+ years that I’ve lived with those thoughts, my relationship with them has changed.
I skip many of the fine details and mention the two things that have actually had some direct impact on BIID. (YMMV) First, quetiapine is a used for several things. The most common are schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. It has some powerful side effects, but I must credit it for turning the volume down on my paraplegia compulsion by a good amount – maybe 50%. Not bad. So the thoughts are still ever-present, but they don’t bother me as much.
The second problem I’ve long had is that there are ebbs and flows to my BIID. It is clearly more prevalent during periods of stress both in the short and long term. Sometimes, the desire reaches a crescendo and I just have to do something. I get complete tunnel vision and I have absolutely no choice but to do something. I’ve held my best, razor-sharp German Stainless knife – just the right kind for the job – at just the right spot and waited for just the right moment to take action.
As you might guess, that moment hasn’t yet come. I talked myself and cried myself down time and again. Now, a surprisingly simple thing has really improved my life. Clonazepam has taken those moments of pure, raw intensity almost completely away. I’m sure that the other drugs I’m taking contribute, but the change after starting this benzo has been marked.
If you asked me a year ago, I would have told you without reservation that a spinal cord transection would finally squelch the voices in my head. I was sure that paraplegia was the only course to happiness. I still clearly hear that voice, but this stew of medications, and other pysch treatments has at least called that into question.
So what’s the plan going forward? Because I like to create suspense, I’ll give you this teaser:
At the suggestion of my pdoc, I’ll be trying a combination of four novel techniques and Rx drugs in the very near future. He has a plan, a deserved confidence in it, and I have more hope than I’ve ever had. The first word out his mouth when describing the newest phase of his plan for me: lidocaine – under his supervision. Whoa! This guys definitely thinks out of the box.
[more to come...]
Tags: BIID, Clonazepam, Paraplegia, Psychiatrist, Spinal Cord Transection, Therapy
This entry appears in Lane's Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
7 Comments
Interesting story Lane. I also experience the “ebb and flow” with my BIID.
That’s very lucky that your psychiatrist talks fondly about wheeling.
Does your psychiatrist see your BIID as a mental illness in the sense it’s something that will go away once you reach the “root of your pain”? Or does he see it as a mental illness in the sense you deviate so much from the norm defined by society that it affects your day to day functioning? I’d be interested to know.
@Nika, my pdoc is most concerned about me doing something I’ll regret. He just wants me to make choices that are truly rational.
He has asked a lot of “root of your pain” questions, but I think that’s mostly to rule those things out - not find “THE” cause. He’s more and more plugged into BIID as a legit condition with its own peculiarities.
Your questions are good onea - I’ll include some answers in my next post.
@Lane - great posts by the way. I am a little concerned that your psychiatrist is disclosing personal info to you at all - this is not professional or helpful to patients and can be damaging.
I use quetiapine for bi-polar and yes it is an antipsychotic, Chloe. It hasn’t made an iota of difference to my BIID though.
What it does do, Lane, is dampen recurrent obstrusive thoughts in general and it acts as a tranquiliser - so if it is helping BIID for you it will be on that basis.
@Cath I understand what you’re saying about professionalism. If you’re in favor of 0.00% disclosure, then his technique wouldn’t fit the bill. Personally, I’m glad that he isn’t one of those cold clipboard-holding, silent, “how does that make you feel?”-types. I don’t want my pdoc session to be like Catholic confessional.
Just a few (and not more) details create some warmth and trust. I feel that he has been able to strike a good balance.
re: atypical antipsychotics - you’re exactly right. The BIID theme song is still right there playing in the background.
@Cath @Lane. I think it depends on personal preference. I lost count, but I think I’ve seen around ten psychotherapists/psychiatrists. The ones who stick out in my mind as being particularly helpful are the ones who HAVE disclosed about their personal issues. I’ve discussed this at length with psychotherapist friends. Several have commented what a useful technique this can be.
I don’t rule out all personal disclosure, but there is a huge risk of creating dependency. The naive patient/client can go away thinking the therapist has become a personal friend and they cannot be a friend within the therapeutic relationship because the process of give and take is necessarily one way. It can also make it a lot harder to end the therapy and if the client is paying money for it - well you get the gist.
Post your comments
© transabled.org - 1994-2010 - All Rights Reserved.
1 On 12 April, 2009, Chloe said:
Interesting stuff. I’ve never tried any antipsychotics (which I’m just assuming quetiapine to be without having looked it up).
I don’t really get ebbs and flows with BIID. It increased dramatically a year ago, and has not let up at all. In that time period I went off, and then back on, clonazepam. I don’t notice the slightest effect on BIID, even though my partner says there is a reduction in my OCD symptoms from it. There are some peripheral effects relating to BIID, such as allowing me to ski off cliffs with more serenity than I might otherwise have.
Keep it coming! You have a very interesting and relevant story to tell. Thank you.