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Photo Finish
Written by Lane on Saturday, July 11, 2009
I’ve won a prestigious award that will be presented to me along with four other people at my company in the near future. I’m debating whether to attend and pose for the picture seated or not.
In just a short time, my coworkers in my division of the company have transitioned to see me as a wheeler, so it would be natural for me to pose this way. Additionally, what a great validation to have a professional photograph with me posed as my true self.
However, there are a few potential kinks. The first, is that there is a small possibility that my wife and kids will attend the dinner that will be part of the presentation. If this occurs, and I hope it does not, then the chair will be out. Period. My wife says if the kids are present – then no chair.
Another second kink is that the a picture of five people, with one seated, is just not visually pleasing. I wouldn’t want to degrade the picture for other people – just for the sake of my own vanity. This is important for them too.
Further complicating matters is that, the larger company probably does not have the open-minded view of my wheeling status as of yet. They’d be quite foolish to object, but this might not be the ideal time to introduce the chair to top-level management who will naturally attend.
I want to be myself but how to I ethically balance that with these other concerns. I could use my brace/s and still be fairly OK physically and BIID-wise, but I know I’d look back at the photo with a degree of sadness. Had it been taken a week ago, it would have been a nice pre-GTi milestone. Now it could be a highly visible regression.
What to do?
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10 Comments
My two cents - if there’s a chance your kids will be there and this is the arrangement you’ve made with your wife, honor it.
There will be many other opportunities for photos.
Ouch! What a horrible and complex dilemma! I don’t envy you this one.
4 On 11 July, 2009, Sean said:
@Lane, I’ve responded at length to you by email. Should I post here what I wrote to you in the email?
@Sean I thought that the points you made were well thought out and well articulated. I’m sure that other people would benefit from your advice, as they deal with similar circumstances. I’d say yes, please.
If this was me, I’d ask my collegues or at least best friends at work.
Can’t comment on the kids. I still haven’t understood why they’re allowed to see the braces but not the chair.
I believe (I might be wrong) that you’re the one hung-up over the chair.
7 On 12 July, 2009, Lane said:
@Peter I guess I should write more about the kids and wife confusion. BIID + real-life injury + young family = VERY complicated.
My wife is concerned about my physical regression, the potential for my triggering my kids latent BIID (if it turns out to be genetic), and she loves me dearly, but has clearly stated that she cannot accept me if future fate or past neurology causes me to be permanently seated.
We have had frank discussions about this and she understand that, despite her MANY positive attributes, this may one of her few character flaws. In the end, I value her happiness over mine, so as long as the medications keep me from making any rash decisions, we’ll stay in an imperfect equilibrium.
It might be interesting to survey how many of us remember a “triggering” event, vs. those who are convinced (as I am) that their BIID is hardwired, i.e. it was always there as far back as they can remember.
*raises hand* my biid was always in the background as long as i can remember, but it finally got bad enough that i realized there had to be something up just this year when a girl at my school became paraplegic in a car accident…
also, @lane, if your wife isn’t accepting who you are, that’s totally LAME.
I think you should honor the agreement you have with your wife regarding your kids. If the braces seem like a good compromise than I encourage you to go for that. Just don’t think of it as “repression” but rather a father’s small sacrifice for his children. Just a thought . . .
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1 On 11 July, 2009, Sophie said:
The whole story is gonna come up next week in a post I’ve written but I told someone today pretty much the same dilemma.
We live with such shame and guilt over who we are that we go out of our way to make the people around us more comfortable with being with us at the cost of our own happiness, sanity, emotional well being, all of that. You need to find a balance between being true to yourself and keeping the people around you at ease. Lean too far in either direction and life won’t be worth living.