Home / Thoughts / Other's Thoughts / Julia's Thoughts / Pretending when I’m NOT.
Pretending when I’m NOT.
Written by Julia on Tuesday, September 2, 2008
This is strange. I do have reason to use crutches. I have difficulty walking. My spine is crooked, I am in pain. I have no idea whether my orthopedist would’ve prescribed crutches if I asked her… Well she didn’t do it without my asking, anyway.
So I’ve been walking in pain all the time. Trying to keep my spine straight, trying to not let anybody realise I am in pain.
Asking for crutches or using them openly would make me think that “BIID” is written on my forehead, visible to everyone. Doctors often thought I was pretending (being in pain) when I wasn’t, maybe that’s been adding fuel to the fire.
I’ve thought for weeks now about ordering crutches online, without having to talk to anybody about it (like at a medical equipment supply store) and one week ago I did. I think I will just sneak out at night and find out how to use them and whether it does any good. And I could also use them at home when nobody’s there, but the ways in our flat are so short I can as well walk without them.
I feel like I’m pretending when I don’t. I’ve always felt like that with every problem, physical or psychological. It’s like there’s no reason to be sick, I can’t be sick, I’ve never been sick.
Actually this is something that might have it’s origin in how my father treated me as a child. He didn’t treat me badly, not at all. I was an only child for several years and I got all of his attention. But I was very sick as a child, for years, on the verge of dying several times, and when I tried to talk to him about it some years ago he said “You’ve never been sick. You just had some problems.” - which isn’t exactly my definition of what I experienced. I don’t remember how he responded to me being sick as a child, but from what he said to me I take it that my parents were coping by denying the fact that there have been indeed serious problems. I’ve always played it down myself and only some months ago realised how bad it all was, so I guess I’m right, I just adopted his viewpoint.
Well, I have moved out a long time ago, I live my live quite differently from what my parents live, I’m grown up, ready to have my own family, but I am still under the impression of what my father did and said, so much that I can’t even get proper care without being utterly ashamed. This is just so stupid.
Tags: Crutches, Father, Pain, Parents, Pretending, Spine
This entry appears in Julia's Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
4 Comments
Thank you Jen. I’m afraid I already bought them. Didn’t cost much, though. I’ve tried them several times when nobody was there (I wrote that post some days ago) and I have to get used to it, but it really seems to help.
Did I get you right - the doctor told you to use them even before you had your surgery? Gosh, I would’ve had a real shame problem then.
Although I must say that I wouldn’t think badly about anyone else (like they should be ashamed) who did anything alike, real pretending or using any “toys” as someone here put it… not at all! It’s just my very personal problem, I guess. *sigh*
Well, time to get out of this way of thinking about myself.
I think I have some analogous issues going on, Julia. Part of the reason I don’t like to wear a back brace is that I wonder if people think I’m pretending, even though I actually need it for back pain. However, I never feel this way about crutches/leg braces/wheelchair, even though I have no physical need. BIID is not visible. If you use crutches or a wheelchair, people will assume that you have a physical need.
I have issues with physicians and parents too. Sometimes physicians have massively underestimated the amount of pain I have been in. When I broke a bone, or cut myself, or got sick when I was a child, my mother would treat me as if I had been naughty, instead of with compassion. It made me feel guilty about being hurt.
We get ourselves tied up in psychological knots.
4 On 2 September, 2008, Sophie said:
I have a love/hate relationship with my Doctor. I like him when agrees with me on stuff my mum wants me to do but I don’t trust him enough to tell him any of the life changing stuff that he could affect.
Post your comments
© transabled.org - 1994-2008 - All Rights Reserved.
1 On 2 September, 2008, Jen said:
And sometimes it’s not pretending at all when you think it is. I was scheduled to have ankle surgery that would have had me on crutches for six weeks. I told the doctor I didn’t think I had the upper body strength to do it and was told to get the crutches now and start practicing to build myself up.
Go to the doctor. Don’t buy the crutches yourself. Specify what kind of crutches you think will work best for you and let your health plan pay for it.