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It’s Not About the Others
Written by Julia on Thursday, September 25, 2008
Last week I got interviewed by Michael First, whom I wrote an e-mail after I read a post written by Sean over here. One of the questions he asked was something like “Would you like being seen in a wheelchair by others?” – I don’t recall how he put it exactly, though. I actually thought a lot about this question since then. I don’t know why it is, but I’ve always been someone who was rather hiding than outgoing. I never liked being in the center of attention. And I can say that it’s not at all about anyone else but me.
It’s not about being seen, it’s not about getting sympathy, it’s not about interaction of any sorts. It’s more about adjusting reality to my perception. Thats what makes it so hard to “fantasize” about the desire becoming real, because I am used to always think about others. I’d hate to lie to people or to affect their lives negatively in any way. This is my problem and it should not be anyone elses burden. Which is also my problem because I actually think it should be normal to be cared for just as I care for others. If one of my friends had issues of any kind I’d be happy to be there for them and never put it into question. It’s just that I can’t let people get really close to the things which are so heavy to me because I am afraid they might be heavy to them, too. And I’d love to keep things easy and light to everyone. Not because I am such an awfully good person, but for other reasons. I’m what you call an HSP, a Highly Sensitive Person. When somebody feels miserable around me, I sense it very easily and respond to it, sometimes with feeling miserable myself, sometimes with the attempt to make things better for them. Sometimes actually my burden is getting to heavy, when I forget to load other people’s problems off to God. I can’t imagine what it’s like to not be an HSP, sometimes I try to figure it out and I guess dealing with this sort of things is much easier. Even though I keep telling myself those of my friends who aren’t HSPs won’t even feel all the pressure I would feel if roles were swapped, I just can’t get used to this way of thinking and so I just remain silent, shutting away those emotions when I’m with them so I won’t bother anyone with my crap.
Considering Michael First’s question, which might have aimed at whether the motives for wanting to be paraplegic are that I’d get sympathy, I can say the opposite is true, and it’s no better or worse than trying to get sympathy. It’s just a different problem, or maybe rather: getting sympathy is the front and shutting away emotions to protect people is the back of the same problem.
Need to find some balance between those two. I really do.
Tags: Attention, BIID, Lie, Wheelchair
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9 Comments
These are very interesting issues. I indeed remember a question along those lines from my interview with Michael First, which was late March as I recall. My response was that I would hate to be seen in a wheelchair, that I would be far too self conscious, that I would not be able to stand people looking at me.
That was then! Six and a half weeks ago I started wheeling in public more days than not. The reality is that so far I have not felt in the least bit self conscious and it doesn’t bother me at all when people look at me. I just feel very comfortable with myself. What does bother me is when I pass someone going in the opposite direction, and they very obviously and deliberately look away, as if having a wheelchair in their field of view is an assault to their sensibilities. I definitely feel more outgoing when I’m in a wheelchair. I like to give people a lot of friendly smiles, and I like to talk. And I admit that I like being seen. However, it has nothing at all to do with getting sympathy. It has to do with other people validating my self image of having a mobility impairment.
I too like to be there for my friends. The majority of my friends have deep emotional issues. With some of them we spontaneously start crying together. With others I hold it in and burst into tears some time later. It can get pretty heavy either way. One thing I have found is that it can be very good to reveal one’s own vulnerabilities (I have plenty). For starters it makes them feel more useful (and they are), and it also puts them more at ease about getting deeper with themselves.
I pass all the criteria myself (lucky me!) for HSP. It’s so important to keep this in mind and make sure that we don’t get rattled or have ways of protecting ourselves when we do.
4 On 25 September, 2008, Sophie said:
I’m a HSP myself so I know how you feel Julia. I sense how others are feeling, I sense what they’re really saying when they are lying to me, I notice things about people that others would be oblivious to. I also take things to heart to often when the statement often isn’t intended for me specifically but rather a whole group.
My Mum says that being a HSP (never thought to put it that way before) is a gift from God that helps me relate to others easier. A lot of the time it feels like it’s more grief than good lol!
I remember that question too. I don’t think we want attention, I think we want to be able to interact with people as the individuals we are. For example I find I have more confidence in talking to people when I’m in my wheelchair, and it’s a totally different thing to getting attention.
Absolutely…. this is not about others, it is about each one of us as an individual, and secondly as a group. It frustrates me to no end to read postings from people who are hung up on what others think about them and structure their lives in accordance with what reaction they receive or anticipate receiving. For that mattern, not just with BIID related issues either.
I believe it is human nature at play when individuals react to others. Their actions serve their own internal needs, either consiously or subconsciously.
So, screw them all!!!
6 On 26 September, 2008, Claire said:
Actually I want to retract this statement: “Anyone who thinks that being disabled gets you tons of positive attention … if they are disabled themselves, hasn’t given the matter much serious thought.” I have given this some more thought and talked to a couple of my friends who are physically disabled. Most agree with me, but one swears that he gets more positive attention as a wheelchair user than he did as a walker. I wouldn’t want to suggest that he hasn’t given the matter any thought. That’s just his personal experience. I get “positive” attention as well, but it’s very often unwanted: help when I don’t need it, overly smily patronizing attitudes, unfounded concern. Gah, spare me the “positive” attention.
My point exactly. The attention is not desired or solicited by the person receiving it, be it positive or negative. It only serves the purposes of the individual offering it. And again, wheelchairs seem to be attention magnets.
Hey Sweeties,
I’m with my parents at the moment and their internet provider is terribly slow plus my siblings pile in front of the only computer in the house ;)
I’ll answer you all when I’m back at my own, speedy internet and computer, it’s really impossible here. ;)
Love to you all. :-)
Julia
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1 On 25 September, 2008, Claire said:
That’s such a good point. I know so many people accuse us of doing this to try to get attention, but time and again I find that it’s just not that at all. For one thing, often the attention you get as a wheeler is negative, if you’re not outright ignored. For another, I feel (often) quite self-conscious about being in my chair. Not like I’m showing off and I’m basking in all this positive attention, but like I want to be left alone or just treated normally. Anyone who thinks that being disabled gets you tons of positive attention either knows nothing about disability or if they are disabled themselves, hasn’t given the matter much serious thought.