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I’m Forging, or Rather, Limping Ahead
Written by Julia on Monday, September 15, 2008
Yesterday I was so angry with myself I decided something’s got to change. Angry, because I had to take quite a long ride on subway and walking to get something I needed urgently, I was already in a bad state before (pain) and I knew I’d feel rotten afterwards. But of course I couldn’t get myself to use the crutches.
When I came back I had some things to do and also I expected a friend to come over. I’ve got to add I only met her recently, I’ve known her for quite some time via internet, but we’ve only met twice (and immediately loved each other). Think Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. Both of us being either of them, depending on who’s more “monkish” at the given time. It’s just perfect. I’ve got the feeling I am looking into a mirror many times when I hear her talking. So I thought, if I know one person who I could trust with talking about being weird, it would be her. We’re weirding one another out every now and then (and I am so happy I could finally use that phrase I’ve learned when I was watching “quid pro quo”. Haha. I loved that one).
So when she arrived we decided we would go to the park and I just started saying quite hesitantly “I guess I should be rational for once and…” and she finished the sentence and said “… and take your crutches, right?”
My jaw not only dropped open, but kind of shattered on the floor. I don’t know how she did it. I have no idea what let her know I had a problem with that (she saw the crutches at her first visit, but we didn’t talk about it). She just knew. So I didn’t have to explain anything. Actually she told me some of her experiences with crutches and how she feels about using them when she’s hurt her leg several times and I felt like I am looking into a mirror again. I don’t think she has BIID as well, but it was really amazing to me. I guess you could call that my first positive experience with crutches. It helped the pain a lot. And she kept distracting me from thinking about anything crutch-related, we just walked through the park and she was talking and talking and I didn’t even waste one second thinking about anyone’s reaction or glancing at me. That was really cool. It was already quite dark when we left, though.
Today I was courageous again and when someone asked me to show her a certain place over here I thought “Well, I’d like to, but I guess I shouldn’t walk too much because of the pain” and then in a second I decided I’d take the crutches. And this was my glorious second time. Again I was distracted enough to not think about it while I used them. I guess this is a good thing to start with. Distraction. And eventually I’ll get used to it and not mind it anyway, distraction or not.
That would be really helpful… Because it really does help a lot with the pain. I can walk much longer and easier with them. And feel much better afterwards than if I’d have walked without them.
I just thought I’d let you know I’m kind of forging ahead. Feels good to.
Tags: BIID, Crutches, Pain, Walking
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1 On 15 September, 2008, Chloe said:
That’s great, Julia. The psychological barrier gets easier the more you do it. I enjoy reading what you are doing, and it made me think some more about using a crutch at work soon.