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How well can you hide your own feelings from yourself?
Written by Julia on Wednesday, August 27, 2008
When I read Gordo’s screenplay, some childhood memories came back. For which I am really grateful, because I’m a digger for memories. I miss the first ten years of my life almost completely, I don’t know where they’ve gone. The couple of sequences I did remember until now mostly had to do with situations in which I were embarassed. Anybody relate to that? ;-) But now I also remember two BIID-related sequences and I want to tell you a bit about them and how it all developed to where I am now.
In the first memory, I must have been about four or five years old. I was watching one of my favorite television shows, which was “Heidi”, a story about an orphan girl who lived with her grandpa in the Swiss alps. (I’ve just got the feeling my English is really crooked today, I think it is because I am still so touched by Gordo’s play, please excuse any mistakes)
Later in the story she visits a cousin in Germany who is in a wheelchair. I remember I had a feeling of “she must be really happy” when I saw her. It was only an animated comic, no real persons, but this was possibly the first time I wished I was in the place of a paraplegic person.
Next thing which just came back was that I was lying on my bed, about eight years old, a friend was with me and we were playing “patient and doctor”. I lay on my back and acted I couldn’t move my legs which was driving her half crazy because all her attempts to “heal” me failed. She wanted us to switch our roles but of course I couldn’t be the doctor when she wasn’t able to heal me ;) I just couldn’t get up. And I felt SO good. At the same time I often snatched my father’s big wooden ruler when he wasn’t there, stuck it in my socks so I couldn’t bend my knee. And enjoyed it.
When I was about ten I saw a series on television… It was a 6-part-series they always broadcast around Christmas in the eighties. The protagonist is a girl who wants to become a ballerina and then has an accident caused by her brother and her spinal cord is temporarily “out of service” so you can see all that rehab stuff, her in a wheelchair and so on. I read the books and saw the series and all I did was ENVY her for what she experienced. Of course I didn’t talk to anybody about it. But I read the books again and again to phantasize about me being in her place (when I watched the series again as a grown-up about 20 years later, I still knew many of the conversations by heart, which means I must have read it really often as I usually don’t remember books very well). It felt so darn right. And I hid those emotions very well.
After that, again and again I would sit in my room, door closed, for hours on my chair at the desk without moving my legs. Or lying in bed, not moving. Just pretending or rather getting the grid of what it feels like. I was (and still am) able to completely blank out the fact that I’ve got legs. And then the door bell rings, the telephone rings, somebody knocks at the door, I have to go use the bathroom and every time I had to get up again and use those bloody legs I just hated it. It was like an interruption of the real thing. I always felt like it could happen anytime: If I wouldn’t move for a certain amount of time, maybe my legs would get used to it by and by and maybe they would just stay dissociated from the rest of me and I’d really need a wheelchair?
I remember again when I was about eighteen, I visited my parents and watched another movie on tv, somebody had similar trouble as the ballerina girl and was in a wheelchair then. And again there was something in me which responded very strongly. At that time I’ve been working in a home for disabled people and some of them were also using wheelchairs. When nobody was there, I would snatch a chair and try it out. It felt so right, again. Heart beating. Sighing hard, a feeling as if my guts were torn when I needed to get out again.
Then I read a book later where a person with (sorry for the detail) an amputated leg was being raped and I saw myself in her place and it felt right again. That’s weird, huh? *sigh*.
Whenever I thought about it, lived my phantasy privately, I had a big problem with what would happen if it really came true: People would look at me. I’ve always seen them look at the disabled and I always wanted to get as little attention as possible. I’ve always been quite sick from childhood on and always got some attention for that and I felt SO guilty about it. There was a moment in my childhood, I think when my brother was born, when I decided to take a step back and let HIM get all the attention he needed. My parents did so much for me, I didn’t ask them to do all this and I felt like I should vanish. Which I did, as good as I could.
All this was incredibly well repressed until I watched “Quid pro quo”. I always felt like it was wrong, not normal, and being used to being considered “not normal” in other aspects of my life and knowing the reactions of my parents to those other areas, I hid it all very well, even from myself. I read the abstract of the film first, I stumbled upon it accidentally on the internet, and went “What the heck? There are even other people who feel like that?”
I watched the movie afterwards and then I started to search the web. From the film I only knew the term “wannabes” so that’s where I started and it took some time until I found it’s called BIID. And it took some more time until I found transabled.org . Which is awesome. Not that it took some more time, but that I found it. Just reading your experiences and thoughts has helped me so much, I’d never have come that far with my thoughts if I had to do it all on my own. I’d love to meet you all, just sit together and talk and … Be ourselves. It’s so great to know there are at least some people who understand. So, thank you for being here and sharing your thoughts and experiences so freely. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Tags: BIID, Feelings, Paralysed, Transabled, Wheelchair
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23 Comments
Thank you for sharing this, Julia. You need not worry about your English. It is excellent.
Childhood memories really get to me. That’s why Gordo’s play has an immediate emotional impact on me right from the beginning, because it starts with childhood. It never ceases to amaze me just how similar our childhood experiences have been.
I certainly relate to being embarrassed. I was extremely self conscious. On occasion there was a BIID connection. One morning, I think around eleven years old, I was bandaging up a leg so that I could spend the day thinking there was something wrong with it, the bandages being hidden under my clothes. My sister opened my bedroom door suddenly without knocking, to ask if I wanted to go ice skating with her. I said yes, but she said I couldn’t go if I’d hurt my leg that badly. I said I’d be fine. I was SO embarrassed! I would bandage a long ruler to my leg when nobody else was home, so that I couldn’t bend my knee.
It is indeed wonderful to know that we are not alone, Julia; that we have had the same thoughts, the same feelings, done the same things. The idea of meeting everyone in the same room is very emotional for me. The relief of not feeling alone, after so long; I think I would just sit and cry for the first hour.
As an English literature major, I could care less about how well someone uses grammar on the internet. Hell, I’ve been guilty of mistakes online too.
The idea of using childhood in the screenplay was actually very carefully planned. I wrote it by taking a lot of experiences from members here, and childhood seems to be of prime importance, no matter how repressed those memories may be. The idea of playing the paraplegic daughter in the game of House actually originated from my own childhood (except I played the son).
I remember, just before entering my teens, being a little obsessed with books and shows about disabilities too. I remember a novel by Carol Ellis (I think) called “The Body,” where a character witnesses a horrible crime and falls off a cliff, rendering her a mute quadriplegic. I remember envying the character in the wheelchair in “The Secret Garden.” The list goes on. That’s why I think fiction is such a powerful medium, and with the rise of visual entertainment like films, I decided to ditch the BIID novel I was working on and instead write a screenplay, which seems to have worked quite well.
And I’d love for all of us to get together in a room too, but I think you all would be a little disappointed at my appearance, haha. It’d be like, “Wait, THIS is Gordo? What the hell?”
I think I must have found a twin - I loved that ballerina series as well, recorded it on VHS and watched it over and over again.
I remember the story with the ruler and the bandaged leg and Heidi’s paraplegic friend. It feels so good not to be alone any more with those feelings…
5 On 27 August, 2008, Sean said:
Funny, the ruler thing, I used to do. My mother had a wooden yard stick she used for sewing. I would use masking tape to attach it to the back of my leg…
As for Heidi, I remember watching both the animated version and the “real people” version.
We do have loads in common!
It’s great that you’ve shared with us. Your English is great, probably better than mine even. :)
While I’m usually trying to repress childhood memories, I do remember a particular habit I had (even in the hottest days of summer) of stuffing earmuffs with paper and then wearing them to try and simulate impairment, while it wasn’t quite clear to my parents what I was trying to accomplish, they still thought I was a bloody loon.
My aunt (who worked at a school especially for deaf/Deaf children) never seemed to pick up why I was so eager to go to all the special events with her, though…
It would be interesting to have ‘Transabled - LIVE!’, but I too, believe most of you all would be quite dissapointed at my appearances :p
7 On 27 August, 2008, Claire said:
I got a little teary eyed myself thinking about us all sitting around together and talking. To this day I’ve never met another person with BIID face to face.
I also had a fascination with books and tv shows about the disabled. I was always SO disappointed when they walked again!
8 On 27 August, 2008, Claire said:
LOL Dante. We’d all be quite jealous of you, you know. But you’d be welcome, anyway. You might have to fight off some of the devs.
books and tv shows about the disabled. I was always SO disappointed when they walked again!
Yeah - I would always think, “That’s not real!” It really destroyed the story’s suspension of disbelief.
Gordo & Dante. So, just what do you think we think you look like? ; )
I think you guys would see me as an Asian nerd. :P
It’s interesting that Nobody mentioned the suspension of belief thing, because I have a similar problem when watching disabled characters on TV or in movies. They have able-bodied actors play them, which always leaves the door open for the character to be “healed.” Sean asked me about my “ideal cast” for Wannabe, and I said to him that I’d rather cast disabled actors to play disabled roles; it’d be a good career opportunity for them and it’d make things more realistic.
Anyways, I’m getting off topic here… That’s one of the things I’m really passionate about, because I really don’t like how able-bodied actors keep getting those parts. It seems less authentic, and is akin to painting a white actor’s face dark, to play a black character.
Enough ranting from me.
I don’t know why but many of us have had a very similar chilhood.
Things like playing doctors, or the ruler thing (At first I used to tie my leg with a bandage as if I were an amputee but then I discover that using a ruler to fix my knees makes me feel greater). Tv has a very strong impact too…to me Heidi was a little bit boring until the paraplegic friend appears.
The first thing I can remember related to BIDD is when I was a child I had flat feet and I needed to go to the orthopedic. There were a lot of wheelchairs, crutches… I thought that the people who need a wheelchair was because they hadn’t learnt to walk. In that moment I whished that never I’d learnt how to walk.
(it’s exhausting trying to express myself in english because they are the more strongs feeling I’ve ever had and if I have no words in spanish how can I say it in english)
Well, Lulu, some of us know a little Spanish (including me), so there’s a chance we would understand you…
14 On 28 August, 2008, Sophie said:
The girl in Germany wasn’t her cousin, her cousin was paid money to bring Heidi to live in their house so the disabled girl would have a friend.
I really liked Heidi too, cept the copy we had taped had the end cut off for some reason >.<
Lulu, soy bilingüe en inglés y español, si quiere escribir en español puedo traducir si lo quiere.
16 On 28 August, 2008, Sophie said:
Damn my spanish stinks, I’m still sure getting 69% was a fluke in high school, I only remember what bits of that means.
Chloe, I’m told if you look up the word ‘Ugly’ in the Oxford English Dictionary, my picture is next to it, lol. Ironically ‘Asian nerd’ could somewhat fit me well as a descriptor.
I also have a pretty good grasp of the Spanish language as well, I certainly add to the translation efforts.
Sophie, that grade sounds like the scores I was getting in my French classes!
18 On 28 August, 2008, Sean said:
PLEASE NOTE: If you’re posting anything in a language different than English, you MUST provide a translation with it. I have no problem whatsoever at the idea of having comments in non-English languages, but as the primary language of most viewers is English, we must offer translations :)
Grazie, Gracias, Merci, Danke, Dank U, Arigato, Efcharisto, Obrigado, Thank you!!!
So we all had rulers… ;) maybe we should think about a new name for BIID ;) something maths-related maybe? ;)
I was just wondering, aren’t kids without BIID playing just the same? And then I thought… well, they probably do, but the emotions behind their play and ours must be different. What do you think about it? I must say that yesterday and today I was repressing again and it all felt like a dream. Maybe this is where those thoughts come from.
As for your looks, dear Gordo and Dante, I couldn’t care less. Looks are the least important thing in my opinion, the heart is the important thing. I found that this is hard to comprehend for men because they are usually quite focussed about women’s looks and can’t imagine that women are more searching for ‘the good heart’. Well, probably not all of us. But there’s a definite shift in interests when it comes to that point. And then.. well, we wouldn’t have to marry each other. *grins*
It happened quite often that I was talking with a friend about someone and said “He’s gorgeous, don’t you think?” and she just saw him and didn’t know him and said “Well… no.” and I was wondering what SHE saw in him and watched her change her opinion when she knew him better.
(btw, I like the average asian nerd :-p)
I usually take it for granted that a person is enough the way they are. Just enough. Well, I’ll end this topic now or I won’t end at all, I’m a bit of a philosopher when it comes to worth/self esteem/dignity-related topics. ;)
Thanks Sophie for the hint that it was only her friend, it has been so long ago I can’t even remember detail. I just found it can be downloaded as a free (and legal!) audiobook at librivox.org, it’s in the public domain. (Is it ok to post this sort of Links here? If not, just delete it, Sean!)
Right now I really feel like hugging you all. Be prepared if we indeed should meet somewhen… ;-D
And thanks for your compliments on my English, although I hope you believe me it was genuine insecurity and not fishing for them! ;)
If BIID had a new math-related name, I’d fail my own disorder. lol
Sophie, Dante. My language skills stink so bad that I got less than “random” score in French multiple choice tests.
Dante, Gordo. I agree with Julia. Your hearts are such that you will always be beautiful to me, no matter what you may think of your outward appearances.
Julia, everyone. Expect lots of hugs from me too. Not sure how many of us will be standing up to hug though. ;)
Gordo. I am a total math geek!
22 On 28 August, 2008, Sophie said:
My spanish teacher decided my hands shook too much to write my answers down myself (it wasn’t a multichoice exam) so I had to dictate my answers to a spanish speaking writer. I was always told I was better at actually speaking the language than doing all the academic stuff so I guess having a writer did me good for that test.
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1 On 27 August, 2008, Julia said:
Ahhhh, five times “always” within only a few sentences. My English teacher sure wouldn’t approve of that! ;) I just saw it now when I read it again. I hope you can bear with that. ;)