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BIID sneaking out through the back door
Written by Julia on Friday, August 29, 2008
As a well-trained and experienced full-time-represser (insert smirk here), I’ve experienced that many times: Things you repress eventually sneak out in some way you wouldn’t have expected them to. As soon as I realised that I made some decisions, like confronting myself with the difficult things in my life and not wanting to repress anymore and to do what I can to avoid it. Since I’ve made those decisions, several things really changed in my life. I still find it hard to face things instead of fleeing from them, but I can see the results, which are clearly positive.
So when BIID became a topic not too long ago and I realized I’ve had those desires all my life but always hid them from myself by repressing, I immediately came up with the theory that this might be the reason why my body has so much trouble. Actually I am not very far away from really needing a wheelchair (and of course, I don’t find the thought that bad ;-) ), but the bad thing is, I am in huge pain all the time.
Many times I lay on my bed phantasizing massively about taking a hammer and just pounding it on my lower spine where the most awful pain is, to just put an end to it (Stupid way of putting an end to it, I know, but when you’re in so much pain…). The only thing that kept me from doing it was that I didn’t want to be perceived as a nutcase. Which was only a tiny tad bigger than the wish to destroy my spine and the nerves.
For some days now I deal with the subject of BIID and I begin to understand - or, rather, to surmise that BIID is the source of some of the physical problems I have. I didn’t let the wish for being paraplegic be there, so it somehow searched for another way out. The thing is, for some days now I feel better, physically. I am not healed and it’s not all “psychosomatic” I think - I’ve got some other conditions which support the back problems, changes can be seen on the x-ray-pictures, but several orthopedists told me I shouldn’t (some even said I CAN’T) be in so much pain as I am, not for so many years, not that bad.
I mean, of course it might be that this is just a “better” episode of the pain. It might all come back in a few days and it might get on just like before. But there is this thing about times I have going with God. Please don’t think I am preaching to you, I’m just sharing my experience in that field… There is a verse in the bible which says “There is a time for everything”, you might know it because there was a hippie song about it in the seventies I think ;) … Anyway… I always try to understand “what time it is” and what God is wanting to do right now in my life. And just some weeks ago I decided to go on spine rehab, it will start soon… And this is just the perfect moment for the BIID thing to come up from deep down, because rehab would’ve been absolutely pointless, I guess, when I wouldn’t have been able to meet an active decision because I wouldn’t even have known this thing is influencing my life and decisions subconsciously… Know what I mean?
I am both active in the process and at the same time I feel like leaning back in the cinema seat with a big bag of popcorn just watching what happens next and how things will turn out. I think it’s quite a thriller I am watching…
Tags: BIID, Pain, Paraplegic
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8 Comments
2 On 29 August, 2008, Claire said:
Wow, I have back pain too…when I walk. It’s nearly constant…when I walk. I also have documented real issues but they only hurt…when I walk. All this means: I get to wheel and feel legitimate about it. When I say that I need my chair for long distances, I mean it. If it’s psychosomatic, I don’t care. If most people with pain comparable to mine would rather stay home and do nothing than be seen in a wheelchair, I don’t care. And if the back issues are exacerbated by my not walking enough, I don’t care either. Pain is pain, and the need is real no matter how you look at it. The chair allows me to stay active, both from a physical and a psychological perspective.
@ Chloe *hands you a coke, too* ;)
Will your pain remain no matter what you do? That would be ugly :-/
@ Claire: Cool that you feel legitimate about it. I really don\’t yet.
*goes to sing claires mantra* \”the pain is real, no matter how you look at it\”
Yeah, I guess it is. Just why do I feel like a cheater?
Seems like we each have real back pain; but there’s a psychological overlay which connects it with the BIID.
My back pain has been continuous since I had a reinjury this March (2008). It’s significantly better when I wear a back brace, but I don’t like to wear it in the daytime since I’m quite self conscious about it; at least when it’s hot, as it’s difficult to conceal with summer clothes. I’m not even remotely self conscious about the wheelchair or leg braces. Haven’t figured that one out yet!
I actually “like” the pain because it makes me think I have a chance to reinjure again and get more nerve damage.
5 On 29 August, 2008, Sean said:
Julia, I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose ;)
Chloe, you’re silly to be self-conscious about the brace. Many of us would kill (well, not literaly) to have such a “toy”…
sean, you must have mixed up the articles. “a” coke you drink, “some” coke you sniff. take care about that the next time, ask when in doubt. *giggles*
When I’m sitting down & not wearing my braces, my legs don’t feel comfortable hanging below me with feet on the floor; I have to sit crossed-legged in order to make them comfortable, even at the table.
But when I wear my braces, my legs are comfortable in any relaxed position; I can sit in a normal sitting position for hours on end.
I wonder how many different factors are at work to produce this phenomena.
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1 On 29 August, 2008, Chloe said:
I understand about feeling that there is a time for things, Julia. When I had my back injury, my BIID feelings got a LOT stronger. It was like a wake up call from the universe telling me to get real about my issues. The constant back pain is a reminder of what I need to do.
I’m watching you with popcorn too :)