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Blog > Thoughts > Other's Thoughts > Jolina's Thoughts > Desperate

Desperate

Written by Jolina on Saturday, September 13, 2008

I’m 42 and my name is Jolina. And I suffer from BIID for at least 34 years. My first BIID memories date from age 8 when I played with Barbie dolls of which I had ripped off the legs. I wanted the dolls to be like I wanted/needed to be. My life was already hell “thanks” to my cold and hateful parents and BIID did not help. I was in so much emotional pain that I banged my head against the wall till it was bloody. My parents saw it but never thought it was necessary to do something about my depression .

From about age 13/14 on I pretended when I was home alone, which was rarely the case. My parents had a very disturbed relation to disability and disabled people. My mum still has. I pretended till I was about 24 years old. I had to give up because of two reasons. The main reason was polyarthritis, which affected my knees badly. And there was my boyfriend, my future ex-husband. I didn’t want him to know. The 3 years of marriage were hell. 3 months after the divorce I got married to my future second ex-husband Joe. My lifelong depression lifted since I was with him and the first 4 1/2 years of our marriage were absolutely perfect. But then in spring 2001 I did not sleep for 3 months and in July I had a total breakdown and was finally diagnosed with severe depression and put on meds. In January 2002 I had my first of 14 stays in mental hospital, most of which lasted 3 to 5 months. I was a bad self-injurer: I cut my left arm and thighs deeply or burned my arm badly with cigarettes. There were weeks I did not talk at all, nor sleep or eat. In october 2002 I had a bad stroke, which left my left side paralysed. After weeks of very hard rehab I could walk again but not well. I trained hard at home and now my leg is 70 % ok again. My arm is only 10 % ok but was maybe 3 % ok 1 month ago, so I made great progress just recently. In summer 2003 I had a bilateral lung emboli and nearly died again. So I was just wondering what was going to happen to me the following years. Nothing happened until last october when I was inpatient for the last time. My husband Joe told me that he was going to leave me. I was not even surprised but very sad nevertheless. He moved out mid-November. I stayed inpatient till mid-May. And fell in love with a co-patient.

During this whole time BIID was sort of almost dominating my life. It was very dominant in my thoughts and feelings. But not in my actions. Although I have tried my whole adult life to find a way to get rid of my legs. 7 years ago I met someone online who had/has BIID too. Over time we got very good friends and about 3 years ago this person told me that they had used the dry ice procedure to freeze off a foot and part of the tibia. I had found the way of how to get rid of my legs! I’ve had 34 years to think about it… Or let’s say 3 years i’ve been thinking about it really. In only a couple of days I will finally get rid of my stooooopid legs. I’ve got instructions from someone who has done this dry ice procedure with success 3 times already. But I’m always grateful for good tips. That is my story so far. I truly hope that I can add in October here: surgery over with success! Fresh DAK and very happy!

Tags: Amputee, BIID, Childhood, DAK, Depression, Legs

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