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DAK Diaries - Part 2
Written by Jolina on Monday, September 29, 2008
Wednesday I cried very hard for more than two hours-and still am not sure why. Nothing had happened beforehand. I was Not nervous, upset or anything. Maybe my subconscious worked through the tension? Or trough at least 34 years of hiding of my BIID? Maybe they were tears of relief that all the pain and hiding will soon have an end? Or maybe I was simply crying over the end of the wonderful Paralympic games?
I had been doing a lot of talking with online-friends, writing them and trying to explain… How can I possibly explain something, if I don’t understand it myself at times? I cannot explain to my friends from where my BIID originates, what triggered it. Was it triggered at all, or was I born wit BIID? "Why don’t you tell your psychiatrist about it, you’ve always told me how great he is. He must be able to help you!"
My word, he had never heard of BIID and yes, he is a wonderful doc and great man. But he would section me immediately if he knew about my plans. And that is the only reason why I have not told my psychiatrist about my BIID and specifically my plans. I spent over 6 weeks in the closed ward last year, so thanks, but no thanks!
After I’ll be physically stable they will transfer me anyway to the mental hospital. But I don’t worry about that. The doctors and nurses will soon see how well I will be and let me either go home or to rehab.
Since Tuesday some things are weird because I do them for the last time on my legs (I hope). I say good-bye to my legs that way, I guess.
Last night I talked for a long time with my wonderful and unfortunately soon to be ex husband. Of course we talked about next Tuesday. It’s him who will stay with me the whole time; and he is scared to death and doing it totally against his heart. But he said it is my life and choice and he wants to see me finally happy. Most of our talk was about technical and practical stuff we are going to do tonight. I want to be set and ready at the end of this day. That way we both can really enjoy the coming few days. No stress for my husband, that is what counts most for me, because he has to work the weekend. I will write more soon…
Tags: Amputations, BIID, DAK, Legs
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4 Comments
Dear Jolina,
I’m totally with you today and I pray for you that it works out the right way for you, whatever this may be. I won’t wish you that this procedure may work nor that it may fail.
As my former, wonderful landlord once put it: “If something is meant for you, it won’t pass you by!”
So if this procedure is going to be the right solution for you, it is going to work out well. If it is not, it might be the first impulse for you to overcome BIID. Anyway - I’m strongly thinking of you and wish you best of luck.
3 On 1 October, 2008, Claire said:
Jolina, I’m praying for your safety.
I can’t help thinking that it’s so fucked up that people have to resort to this kind of thing. :o( Why can’t we get any help, be it psychological or surgical? *sigh*
4 On 1 October, 2008, Sean said:
Last I heard, she had been on ice for several hours and was in stable condition at the hospital. no word on whether or not the legs have come/are coming off.
Claire, I have to agree, by refusing to assist us, the medical community is in fact putting us in MORE danger than if they helped :(
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1 On 29 September, 2008, Chloe said:
Jolina, I am thinking of you and wishing you the best for happiness in life, however you may find it. Take care.