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Coming Out To Your Spouse About BIID
Written by Jerry on Saturday, February 7, 2009
In a Yahoo! Group recently was a most wonderful post about telling one’s spouse. I reproduce it here as I think it’s good to consider. Sean
Speaking of ‘coming out’ – for the sake of the group… I finally told my husband two nights ago. It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done but I just couldn’t go on anymore without him knowing. I think the whole thing went pretty well considering… he told me the next day that he loves me even more for being so honest with him and that he always knew that something was troubling me and this seems to explain most of it. He also said that he doesn’t completely understand this whole disorder and thinks it would be very sad if I lost my leg. I guess I can’t blame him for saying that… it is the way people who don’t have BIID think… I am hoping that in time he will understand a bit more and support me through my struggle. I also hope (and pray :) that maybe there is a little itty bitty bit of a dev inside of him that will come out… wishful thinking? who knows…
First of all, HOORAY FOR YOU!! I have been there and (finally) done that about a year ago, after 46 years of our marriage. I agree that it is essential for us to be honest with our spouses/partners about our BIID if we hope that our relationships will survive any action that we take about it. For any others that might be lurking out there, let me echo Sam’s report of her husband’s comment that "he always knew that something was troubling me." I don’t think that one can live in a close relationship with a spouse or partner without the spouse or partner noticing our fascination with amputation, and the effect that meeting an amputee has on us. Certainly my wife knew well of my fascination before I "came clean" with her.
But even with my wife knowing of my fascination, she was a good bit taken aback when I explained that I wanted to have my right leg amputated. At first she was angry, then anxious. "Is this an early sign of senility or mental illness?" She urged me to see a psychiatrist, and then a psychologist, who were not to be someone "in" this field, because she was suspicious that they might be co-opted by this "mad desire." Like your husband, Sam, she tells me that she will be very sad if I lose my leg. She tells me that she has always admired my legs (as I admire her bosom — we all have parts of our partners that turn us on particularly strongly) and would hate to have me lose one. She certainly does not "understand this disorder" any more than your husband — or, for that matter, any more than me, or, I suspect, you. Given the results of my tests done at UCSD, she now accepts that there is probably some neurological basis for it, but she would still like me to "control it" rather than to act on it. I am pretty sure that there is not even the smallest bit of dev in her, though I am now pretty sure that she will, indeed, still love me when I get my amputation.
But how should those of us with BIID understand this strong, visceral, rejection and dislike of the idea of amputation on the part of our partners (or anyone else)? One of the best things that my psychologist did for me was to turn back on me my complaint that my wife was trying to make me be "rational" about my desire for an amputation. As I have written before on this list-serv (I think), my wife asked me why I couldn’t control my desire for an amputation. "You are a rational man, after all." I explained to her (and on this list-serv) that NONE of our real strong preferences, like mine for blonde hair, blue eyes, Nordic features, and a generous bosom, or her for handsome, strong, and hairy legs, are based on rational choice. This does not mean that our desires are irrational — internally inconsistent or opposed to other things that we want for ourselves. They are "a-rational." They just ARE. What my psychologist brought me to understand is that the horror or rejection of the idea of BIID by our partners, and all of the rest of the world, is just as a-rational, and just as strong in their minds as our desire for an amputation is on our minds. Just as there is no arguing us out of our desires, there is likely to be no arguing them out of their resistance to and distress from our BIID. It is no more reasonable for us to imagine that we can talk them out of their resistance than for them to imagine that they can talk us out of our desires.
Is there no hope then??? Yes. There is hope. And the hope comes from the same source that most of the reconciliation of opposing ideals has been since the origin of humanity. The hope is in patience, acceptance, tolerance, and love. Just as a pair of straight parents can find their way to love and cherish their gay son, or just as an Israeli and a Palestinian can find their way to respect each other and to work cooperatively together in my US hospital, so can a spouse/partner, and ultimately a society, come to accept and respect a person with what is, admittedly, a desire that is rather unusual and troubling for others. But this takes time, patience, yes, and persistence, and mostly respect and love. I think that those of us with BIID often don’t understand how upsetting our desires are to others. This doesn’t mean that we should give up on our own desires. They are intimately and ineluctably ours, and we shouldn’t have to change ourselves to "blend in" any more than gays should become straight or Blacks should find a way to become White. But I think that it is important for us to understand that at least most of them on the other side are not inherently evil or intolerant. They will be willing to accept us just so long as we give them a chance to become used to our bizarre ideas.
So this is a plea from me to any that are still holding their BIID a secret from those closest to them to "fess up," "come out," be more open. And while it is also a plea for understanding of those on the other side for acceptance and tolerance of us, so it is also a plea for those of us with BIID to be more mindful of how much our BIID may be tremendously difficult for those we love.
So, again, congratulations for your courage. You will find that it was a very good thing for you to do. And congratulations to your husband for his open mindedness and his love for you that overrides his upset and confusion. And, finally, thanks for giving me the excuse for writing what I have written above.
Tags: Amputee, BIID, Coming Out, Husband, Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Spouse, Surgery, Wife
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3 Comments
dear all, YES, i have to admit that one feels much lighter after a “coming out”..(i had it 6 months ago) and yes, it takes time even though your partner on the first view takes it relatively easy. my husband for example just asked me three days ago, after a beautiful winter trekking: don’t you think yor biid fades a little? my answer of course was NO – and then, yesterday he seemed quite melancolic and said: wow, sometimes i just have the feeling of not taking this biid thing seriously enough..another reason to love him even more than before,. but the distance between me having biid and him wanting so hard to understand biid will sadly:-( last on..anyway: courage to all of you who didn’t have the coming out yet to the closest ones – go ahead, it is at least giving a little relief :-)..
Not sure if it was an advantage or not but for 38 years I was in love with, and married to, a girl who was disabled and ended up in a wheelchair. But it was not until she was dying of cancer I truly realized how degrading life in a wheelchair can be. It isn’t the inability to get up kerbs or into buildings but the sheer physical problem of finding, for example, that the disabled public lavatory is locked up and the ordinary cubicle is impossible. Add to this a heavy discharge caused by the cancer and you know what it is like to be wretched. But now I’ve lost her my pleasure in life has gone. But if you want to be disabled think what it is like as you get old, ill and bits of you seize up. Any thoughts? I like the anti spam question – what colour is snow – white, but silver, grey and blue in the places I’ve lived in.
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1 On 7 February, 2009, Chloe said:
Yes, this is a wonderful post. It has also been about a year since I told my partner. Don’t expect them to immediately be just fine about it. It is a LOT for someone to bend their minds around. However, a year later we are closer, more open, more honest, more loving than ever. It is a risk to take such a leap of vulnerabilty, but the potential rewards are tremendous. Knowing that you have nothing to hide and that you are being loved for who you really are is a beautiful thing.